Warning: If you have depression or have experience of suicide then you may find this post upsetting.
I can’t imagine the despair that Robin Williams’ friends and family are feeling right now. I can’t imagine the pain that Robin Williams felt when he made the decision to take his own life.
But I know how I felt.
I know how I felt when I decided enough was enough. When I made the decision that the world would be better off without me.
I felt calm and (oddly) happy. I had discovered a way out. I believed that I had found a way to take back some control.
I could end this.
I could end the desolation that I felt. I could end the sadness that I was bringing to my friends and family. I could end the depression that was poisoning my every thought. I could end it and I could have peace.
It didn’t work.
It was my third attempt. And it was unsuccessful.
The pain of that was immense.
But in failing to kill myself, I had given myself a new chance at life.
I was one of the lucky ones. I was given the help, support, love and understanding that I needed most. I had a great psychiatrist and I have a wonderfully loving family. I may have felt lonely and isolated in my sadness but I was never alone.
With the help of my family, my friends, my psychiatrist and anti-depressants I managed to pull myself back together again; bit by bit. Some pieces fitted together easily. Others were a little more difficult to locate and put into place.
Then a year or so later I met a man.
A man who could forgive me for all that had past. A man who could see the pain and would take my hand and lead me away from it. A man who could see the girl I was and not the depression. A man who loved me.
And now I am a mother. The final piece is in place. I am complete.
But I am one of the lucky ones.
Ps. If you are feeling depressed and you feel that you only have one way out then PLEASE, PLEASE reach out for help. There is no weakness in admitting how you feel. Talk to someone. Please phone The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. They are there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
PPS. If you are worried about a friend or family member and need advice about depression or suicide then there are some fantastic charities that can help. Mind, The Samaritans and Rethink all have online resources and phone numbers that you can call.
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