Mental health

Robin Williams, depression and me

depression

 depression

Warning: If you have depression or have experience of suicide then you may find this post upsetting.

I can’t imagine the despair that Robin Williams’ friends and family are feeling right now. I can’t imagine the pain that Robin Williams felt when he made the decision to take his own life.

But I know how I felt.

I know how I felt when I decided enough was enough. When I made the decision that the world would be better off without me.

I felt calm and (oddly) happy. I had discovered a way out. I believed that I had found a way to take back some control.

I could end this.

I could end the desolation that I felt. I could end the sadness that I was bringing to my friends and family. I could end the depression that was poisoning my every thought. I could end it and I could have peace.

It didn’t work.

It was my third attempt. And it was unsuccessful.

The pain of that was immense.

But in failing to kill myself, I had given myself a new chance at life.

I was one of the lucky ones. I was given the help, support, love and understanding that I needed most. I had a great psychiatrist and I have a wonderfully loving family. I may have felt lonely and isolated in my sadness but I was never alone.

With the help of my family, my friends, my psychiatrist and anti-depressants I managed to pull myself back together again; bit by bit. Some pieces fitted together easily. Others were a little more difficult to locate and put into place.

Then a year or so later I met a man.

A man who could forgive me for all that had past. A man who could see the pain and would take my hand and lead me away from it. A man who could see the girl I was and not the depression. A man who loved me.

And now I am a mother. The final piece is in place. I am complete.

But I am one of the lucky ones.

Hugs

Mrs H

xxxx

Ps. If you are feeling depressed and you feel that you only have one way out then PLEASE, PLEASE reach out for help. There is no weakness in admitting how you feel. Talk to someone. Please phone The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. They are there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

PPS. If you are worried about a friend or family member and need advice about depression or suicide then there are some fantastic charities that can help. Mind, The Samaritans and Rethink all have online resources and phone numbers that you can call.

 

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37 Comments

  • Reply
    Pen
    May 10, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    This is a really touching post. I am so pleased for you that you have met someone that you love and who loves you and that live is worth living again.

    That must have been a really difficult post to write so well done.

    xx
    Pen recently posted…The drawbacks of blogging anonymouslyMy Profile

  • Reply
    sarah Christie
    October 24, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Ah saddens me to think you ever felt like this my lovely friend, I am so glad you found a way through and are happy. Its great you are helping others and I too can’t wait to meet in in the flesh x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 26, 2014 at 8:40 pm

      Hello Sarah. Thanks for popping by and for your lovely comment. It will be lovely to meet you all. I’m looking forward to cocktails and a gossip. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Beautwins B
    October 12, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    So brave. I am so pleased you are here to tell such a beautiful story. You are living proof that you have to keep fighting. What a wonderful beginning to an end. So glad to know you via blogging and can’t wait to meet you. You are such a ray of sunshine! xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 26, 2014 at 8:38 pm

      Hello honey. Thank you for your lovely comment. You are always far too nice to me and it makes me teary eyed. I am so glad to be through this time. It feels like a distant world. A different person. Maybe that is why I find it easy to share my experiences because it doesn’t really feel like something I went through. Hugs Mrs H xxxx PS I can’t wait to meet you either. Xxx

  • Reply
    Mrs H
    August 19, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Ahhhh Vicki. Thank you so much. I am not incredible at all. But the people around me. They continued to love and support me even when I was at my most unloveable. That is pretty amazing. I just wish that everyone who has suicidal depression is as lucky as me and has people around them to lift them out of the pain. Thanks so much for visiting my little blog. I hope to see you back again really soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Vicki Montague
    August 19, 2014 at 10:21 am

    I don’t have much to say to that. You are incredible. What more can I say?

  • Reply
    Hannah - Budding Smiles
    August 18, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    The honesty in your post in incredible, how wonderful that you found your way back again and can give hope to others xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 11:08 pm

      Hi Hannah. What a lovely thing to say. I hope that this honesty helps other people with depression and gives them hope. I was very lucky with a lot of love and support I was able to claw my way out of the hole. Although, sometimes I have to be very careful not to fall in again. Take care and I hope to see you in my neck of the woods soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Karen
    August 17, 2014 at 6:38 am

    This is such a brave post and has really touched me. Thank you for sharing what you went through and showing that there is hope for people suffering with depression x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 11:06 pm

      Hi Karen. Thanks for reading and for your kind words. I am so pleased that this post has touched you. I was worried it might offend people. But the response has been amazing. I want my experiences to help others who are going through what I did. There is always hope. You just have to find it and hold onto it with all your strength. I hope to see you at Mrs H’s Favourite Things soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Honest Mum
    August 16, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Such a vital post to so many. Thank you for being so brave and writing your experience down and offering support and hope to so many in the process. Honoured to have you link this to #brilliantblogposts. Thank you x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 11:04 pm

      Hello. Thanks so much for these lovely words. I am honoured to have linked up with #brilliantblogposts. I really hope that this post does offer support to those who need it most. I hope that my experience can show that depression doesn’t have to end in darkness. That eventually there can be light and happiness. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Kerry B
    August 15, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    It sounds weird but this has been the most educational thing I’ve read about depression all week. I’ve been lucky enough never to be affected and as a result I’ve often found it difficult to understand the inner workings of friends and family who have suffered. I’ve often looked on depression-related suicide as a bit of a cop-out, an easy way out. How totally and utterly wrong I’ve been. It never would have occurred to me that it might have been a way for a desperate person to actually ‘take control’. A wonderfully written and insightful post. I’m so glad you found a way out. Thank you for giving me a new perspective.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 11:01 pm

      Hi Kerry. I don’t think I can have any higher praise for this post then your first sentence. Thank you. It seems odd to think back to being that person. It doesn’t feel like me. I feel very distant from it now.

      Before I was suffered from depression, I probably thought the same as you. Suicide was a selfish response. It was much braver to fight the depression. But when I was waiting for the pills to kick in – I felt that I was doing the most unselfish act. I believed that my continued presence was the essence of being selfish. I thought that by ending my life I would end the suffering that I brought to those around me.

      I wasn’t thinking rationally. And that is the main point. There is no rationalisation with depression and suicidal thoughts. And if you do try to use logic then it just makes everything worse. I found that the only way out was to allow myself to be ill and then allow myself to slowly heal.

      I am so glad that I helped to give you a new perspective. I really hope that other people reading the post were equally touched. Hugs Mrs H xxxxx

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    August 15, 2014 at 7:44 am

    Oh my, I had no idea you went through this in your life 🙁 This has really touched me. I hope that you don’t ever go back there again. I am glad things seem so much better for you now. However, if someone reads this and seeks help then you have done an amazing thing. Well done you for being so honest. Great post and very heartfelt x x x x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      Hello honey. I am so glad that this post touched you. I didn’t want it to make those reading it feel sorry for me. But I did want to explain some of the thought processes and feelings you go through to reach such a decision. I am lucky – my life is unrecognisable from how it was then and I am a very different person. I hope that this means that I will never go back and that I will continue to move forward. But my greatest hope is that the pain I went through can be put to good use. That I can share my experiences and help others. I can give hope, advice, help or change thoughts. Then all of that sadness will have been worthwhile. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Mummy on a Budget
    August 15, 2014 at 5:17 am

    Very brave of you to share your story and be so open. So glad that you got the support you needed and your surrounded by lots of special people.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:51 pm

      Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment. I was lucky that I have loving family and friends. I got the support and help that I needed when I needed it most. I only wish that everyone who sinks to this level of depression also got the help that I received. Hugs Mrs H xxxx PS I do hope that you will come back and visit again soon.

  • Reply
    Jenny Ripatti-Taylor
    August 14, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    WOW hunny greatly written, I am SO PROUD of you for sharing, it really can and will help others if more people shared their experiences. Depression shouldn’t be something people are afraid to admit and get help. I am so proud that you are stronger now and that you got help. Congrats that is a huge step as Robin Williams some people never have that luck of surviving and fighting for a better life for themselves. My sister battles it daily and I am always worried about her. You are brave and amazing for sharing and the man you love is amazing for being so understanding and supportive too! Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:49 pm

      Hi Jenny. Thank you for your AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS comment. You are so lovely. I just want to give you a big hug. I am so sorry to hear about your sister. It is so hard to sit on the sidelines and watch someone suffer and have no idea what to do and how to take the pain away. I only realise now that my parents went through so much watching me live these experiences. I hope and pray that she gets the professional support and care she needs.

      I really hope that my blog shows people that there is hope. I will always be depressed. I have recurring suicidal depression. That is my thing. But it can be in remission and it can be controlled. I can still be a wife, a mother, a career woman, a home owner, a friend, a daughter, a sister. I can still live a healthy and happy life. And I want anyone who feels depressed to know that they can too. They just have to reach out and get the help that they need and deserve.

      Take care and hugs Mrs H xxxx
      PS Thanks for your lovely linky.

  • Reply
    Steph @MisplacedBrit
    August 14, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Thank you!
    Thank you for reaching out at the end of your post, and sharing valuable life saving information <3

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:43 pm

      HI Steph. Thanks for coming to visit and for commenting. I couldn’t not reach out and share that information. I was lucky enough to have people around me who saved me. They gave me the support and love I needed when I needed it most. I just hope that other people feeling as I did will reach out to these organisations and won’t feel as alone. All those organisations are amazing and do such valauble work for our society. I hope that they get the support they deserve. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Leigh Kendall
    August 14, 2014 at 10:30 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. It can be a lifeline for others to know they are not alone, and depression is nothing to be ashamed of. There is still such a stigma surrounding it, sadly. xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      Hi Leigh. Thank you for reading and commenting on my story. You are right, sadly there is still a stigma surrounding depression and particularly self harm, addiction or suicidal thoughts. This is why lots of people still don’t ask for help when they feel this way. They are ashamed and worried that someone will tell them “to get there act together”, “smile, it might never happen” or “you have a wonderful life, why do you feel depressed”.

      I hope that more people will start talking openly about depression and the experiences they have gone through. Then less people will feel alone and ashamed.

      I hope you are well. Do take care of yourself. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    MamaMummyMum
    August 14, 2014 at 8:32 am

    A very brave and honest post. I’m so glad that you got the help and support that you needed!!!

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:35 pm

      Hello. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. It was a post that I just had to write and I am so glad that I did. I am also glad that I was lucky and got the support that I needed. It breaks my heart to think of the life I would have missed out on if everything had gone as planned. Take care of yourself and have a good week. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    diary of a midlife mummy
    August 14, 2014 at 7:28 am

    You are so brave and amazing to have plucked up the courage to write this post. I am sure you were scared to let us into a little part of your world that I’m sure you’d much rather forget about, but equally want people to be made aware of. I suffered from depression too, and although I may have had bad thoughts, it never got anywhere near as bad as it did for you. As you say, you have been given a second chance and a new lease of life, and I for one am happy for that as it’s meant I can talk general crap to you on a daily basis. So pleases that you have found your happiness now and well done again for highlighting such a sad condition, big hugs, Steph xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 18, 2014 at 10:33 pm

      Hi lovely lady. Thank you so much for this wonderful comment. It was pretty scary writing this post. I am always happy to talk about my depression but I have always shied away from mentioning the suicide attemps. It is something that people really struggle to understand. And I really don’t think anyone will fully understand because only you know what it felt like to make that decision and live in that moment.

      I, too, am so happy I have had a new lease of life. And I love chatting to you about random crap on twitter. I can’t wait until it can actually be in person over a cocktail… or 10. Bug hugs back at ya, Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    karen beddow
    August 13, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    Brave post, lovely writing xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 13, 2014 at 9:21 pm

      Thanks Karen. I really appreciate it. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    thegingerbreadmum.com
    August 13, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Oh Mrs H, well done for posting this. I’ve just posted something on the topic on my grief blog. As you said, I probably wouldn’t have written this before now, but with time comes some distance from the severely depressed me.
    Thankfully, for me, I immediately understood I needed help (up to then I’d been taught you should solve your own problems yourself). It’s SO important to get help.
    Big hugs, Anne (The Gingerbread Mum) xx
    http://wherearetheclowns.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/depression-kills/

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 13, 2014 at 9:44 pm

      I have just read your post and couldn’t agree with it more. It is only at times like this that you realise how many people are actually affected by depression. I hope that all our posts help some people. I hope that they know they can ask for help. That is okay to feel like they do. They are not going mad. They are ill and need help.

      I am so glad that you are able to see a distance between the you of today and the severely depressed you. I can too. But I know depression will always be a part of my life. It has made me who I am today. It changed me and it could control me again if I don’t look after myself.

      Here’s to us for coming so far. Big hugs back Mrs H (Lucy) xxxx

  • Reply
    cuddlesandmuddles
    August 13, 2014 at 8:00 am

    What a brave, powerful post, thank you for sharing. I hope that the more open we can be about depression, the more chances there are to help those who are affected xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 13, 2014 at 9:10 am

      Thank you so much for reading it and for your nice comments. I am so happy that this post is being well received. It was scary publishing it. I really hope that more people feel that they can ask for help. That there is no shame feeling depressed. It is a medical condition. Then maybe these tragedies can be averted. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Mrs H
    August 12, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    Hello. Thanks for your lovely comment. I can completely relate to this. I think the reason I can write about it is for me it does feel like I am relating the plot of a book or movie. My life is so different now. I struggle to imagine how I could feel like that. But I was 24 and now I am 36! I have grown up a lot since then. It is hard to remember everything. And I am glad that I have massive blanks in my memory about those years. Sadly, I do remember that night because I was calm. I wish I didn’t.

    Well done for coming off the tablets. I think I will be taking a dose of them for the rest of my life. But I am fine with that. If I had high blood pressure then I would be happy to take tablets to help. I figure it is the same with my anti-depressants. I would prefer to be on them and well – rather than off them and depressed.

    I hope to see you back soon. I promise that I will write a cheerier post.

    Hugs

    Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    3 Princesses and 1 Dude
    August 12, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Lovely post, well written and also can i say well done for posting.I too have dealt with depression, i havent written about it as it doesnt feel right, when i think about it it wasnt me it happened to? It was 5 years ago i took my last pill, i came off them myself and just one day didnt need them anymore. I actually dont think i have dealt with what i went through those few years ago, because i dont really ever think about it, like it didnt happen to me, like it was a parallel universe i was in. I dont really remember any of it.

    I never had any suicidal thoughts and for that i will ever be grateful.

    XX

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