I don’t like uncertainty. I like to have a plan. I want to know what I am doing today, tomorrow and in 10 years time.
It stems from the years in my twenties when my depression ruled my life.
At that point, nothing was certain. My moods were erratic. My actions were destructive and dangerous. And I was feeling so fed up with life that I did not know whether I would last through the day.
My life is different now. Incomparable. I am happy but at the moment I feel like I am facing a lot of uncertainty and it puts me on edge.
Tomorrow we go for our first appointment at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. To say that I am nervous is an understatement.
I have no idea what to expect. I don’t know how long the appointment will last. I don’t know what will be discussed and I don’t know how those discussions will make me feel.
I know that being seen at this clinic is a positive step but I don’t even know what I want from these investigations. If I find out that there is something wrong then how will I react. If I find out that something in me doesn’t work properly and has led to the miscarriages will this make me feel like a failure.
I am already doubting myself. I already question my past. I wonder if my long-term use of antidepressants has had an impact. Could it be the amount of booze I drank at university? Or those times I have taken an overdose?
I am pretty sure that the answers are “no”. But I still question.
If these investigations lead to discovering that I have a blood clotting disorder or something wrong gynaecologically then I will no longer ask those questions. But I will know that the miscarriages are my fault. That there is something in my body that doesn’t work properly and that has led to the loses. And that will be a bitter pill to swallow.
But this result will hopefully mean that I can receive treatment. And that with help we can have another baby.
Of course, there is a possibility that the investigations are inconclusive. That there is nothing wrong. That the miscarriages have just been tragic bad luck.
That will also be hard to take. How do we move forward knowing that trying for another baby could lead to another miscarriage? How many times can we go through the sadness of losing a baby? When will it be time to give up? To accept that we are a family of three and that is an amazing blessing. To be thankful for what we have and not yearn for something more.
These are the thoughts that are going through my head at the moment. And it is all because of uncertainty. For I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what the future has in store.
I wish I had more control over my life at the moment. But I don’t.
I have control over the little things – what time I get up, what I wear, what I eat and what I do during the day. This is the stuff that keeps my mood stable.
But the big life changing decisions are completely out of my control at the moment.
Will we have another baby?
That is in the lap of the gods.
Will we eventually exchange and complete on the house we want to buy?
Hopefully, if our buyer’s solicitor actually does what he has promised.
Will Little Miss H ever nap again? Will her disrupted sleep get better?
I hope so but maybe the days of sleepy cuddles on the sofa are in the past.
Life is busy. There is a lot to do and a lot to think about it.
There is a great deal of uncertainty. And I need to accept that and embrace it. Because I guess that is just how life is.
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