Recurrent miscarriage

Uncertainty

recurrent miscarriage

I don’t like uncertainty. I like to have a plan. I want to know what I am doing today, tomorrow and in 10 years time.

It stems from the years in my twenties when my depression ruled my life.

At that point, nothing was certain. My moods were erratic. My actions were destructive and dangerous. And I was feeling so fed up with life that I did not know whether I would last through the day.

My life is different now. Incomparable. I am happy but at the moment I feel like I am facing a lot of uncertainty and it puts me on edge.

Recurrent miscarriage

Tomorrow we go for our first appointment at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. To say that I am nervous is an understatement.

I have no idea what to expect. I don’t know how long the appointment will last. I don’t know what will be discussed and I don’t know how those discussions will make me feel.

I know that being seen at this clinic is a positive step but I don’t even know what I want from these investigations. If I find out that there is something wrong then how will I react. If I find out that something in me doesn’t work properly and has led to the miscarriages will this make me feel like a failure.

I am already doubting myself. I already question my past. I wonder if my long-term use of antidepressants has had an impact. Could it be the amount of booze I drank at university? Or those times I have taken an overdose?

I am pretty sure that the answers are “no”. But I still question.

If these investigations lead to discovering that I have a blood clotting disorder or something wrong gynaecologically then I will no longer ask those questions. But I will know that the miscarriages are my fault. That there is something in my body that doesn’t work properly and that has led to the loses. And that will be a bitter pill to swallow.

But this result will hopefully mean that I can receive treatment. And that with help we can have another baby.

Of course, there is a possibility that the investigations are inconclusive. That there is nothing wrong. That the miscarriages have just been tragic bad luck.

That will also be hard to take. How do we move forward knowing that trying for another baby could lead to another miscarriage? How many times can we go through the sadness of losing a baby? When will it be time to give up? To accept that we are a family of three and that is an amazing blessing. To be thankful for what we have and not yearn for something more.

These are the thoughts that are going through my head at the moment. And it is all because of uncertainty. For I don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what the future has in store.

I wish I had more control over my life at the moment. But I don’t.

I have control over the little things – what time I get up, what I wear, what I eat and what I do during the day. This is the stuff that keeps my mood stable.

But the big life changing decisions are completely out of my control at the moment.

Will we have another baby?

That is in the lap of the gods.

Will we eventually exchange and complete on the house we want to buy?

Hopefully, if our buyer’s solicitor actually does what he has promised.

Will Little Miss H ever nap again? Will her disrupted sleep get better?

I hope so but maybe the days of sleepy cuddles on the sofa are in the past.

Life is busy. There is a lot to do and a lot to think about it.

There is a great deal of uncertainty. And I need to accept that and embrace it. Because I guess that is just how life is.

Hugs

Mrs H

xxxx

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36 Comments

  • Reply
    Notmyyearoff
    August 8, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    I’m so so sorry you are going through this. I know how hard infertility and IVF was for us without having that in the equation . I really hope you get some answers to why this is happening and some solutions too. I don’t know if this at all in any way as I know nothing about miscarriage but the fertility place I went to was called CARE and they had some investigative method of looking at recurrent miscarriages. It involved doing some tests to see whether you held a certain hormone/something or other in your body. And there was a treatment they could offer. It may be exactly the same thing as your clinic is offering you but just wanted to let you know. Good luck lovely, I hope whatever you try works xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 11, 2015 at 3:29 pm

      Thank you for your lovely and very caring comment. Everyone is being so kind. It sounds like we are already having these investigations. A few have already been ruled out because we have a child. At least now I know that we will have some answers (even if those answers are that there isn’t an answer) sooner rather than later. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Charlotte - Write Like No One's Watching
    July 27, 2015 at 11:25 am

    Oh sweetheart, I had no idea you were going through this and I’m so inspired by your bravery in talking about it. I don’t know exactly what to say, but I do know that I hope that you get answers, and that you also get the baby that you are longing for. Thinking of you. xx
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 31, 2015 at 6:36 am

      Thank you for your lovely comment. It means so much to have such wonderful support from so many lovely people. There isn’t much anyone can say. But at least we are now being seen by a consultant and getting some answers. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Sadia
    July 27, 2015 at 5:04 am

    I have tried many times to understand the experience of miscarriage and infertility. Being part of the twin community, I can’t help but have many loved ones who have turned to IVF. But I can’t understand. I can only offer my love. Thanks for linking such a heartfelt and vulknerable post with #TwinklyTuesday.
    Sadia recently posted…Quintessential Twin PicturesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 31, 2015 at 6:39 am

      Hi Sadia. Thanks for your comment. I don’t think there is anyway to understand. It just seems so cruel that people who desperately want children can’t have them. But your love is very much appreciated. Thank you. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Michelle Reeves (The Essex Barn)
    July 26, 2015 at 7:12 am

    Oh Lucy I didn’t realise that you were going through this – hopefully some tests will give you the answers that you need. Uncertainty can be so draining – we all need a compass to move us forward in life I think and it’s frustrating being sat in life’s ‘waiting room’. Hope you get some traction on the house too. In my experience things usually move foward all in one go and you have to hold on to your hat! Sending a hug your way x
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 31, 2015 at 6:41 am

      Oh Michelle, thank you for your lovely comment and the hug. It is much needed. Thankfully, we have now exchanged on the house so we are moving forward with that. We’ve also had a few answers about the miscarriages but nothing concrete yet. Hopefully we will hear more soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Katie
    July 25, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    I know you have already had your appointment now, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing this with us on #sundaystars. Hopefully your tests will bring you more answers now xxx
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 25, 2015 at 10:37 pm

      Thanks for your comment lovely Katie. We both feel much better now that we’ve had the appointment. And I am sure that more tests will give us more answers. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Lisa
    July 25, 2015 at 8:58 am

    This is such an honest post, I can only imagine how hard this journey has been for you. I suffer from depression myself so understand the need for a routine, the uncertainty can be torture. I hope they help you find some answers and make your way through a pregnancy successfully x
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 25, 2015 at 9:26 am

      Thank you for your comment Lisa. You are so right, the uncertainty is the hardest part. The appointment gave us some answers but there is still a long way to go. Hopefully there will be less uncertainty soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Trista, Domesticated Momster
    July 25, 2015 at 2:14 am

    Aw hugs to you … life can be so uncertain at times and full of so many unanswered questions. I hope that your journey to the clinic ends with a happy note and that so does the rest of your life’s questions. I am visiting you from #twinklytuesday
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 25, 2015 at 9:54 am

      Dear Trista, thank you so much for your lovely comment. I know that the uncertainty will ease and the appointment definitely helped with that. But we still have a long way to go. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Love From Clueless Mum
    July 22, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this. I am similar to you in that I need to have a plan, and know how hard I found suffering a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my daughter. I can only imagine how stressful it is going through it more than once. I hope you finally get some answers soon. #TwinklyTuesday

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 6, 2015 at 10:55 pm

      Thank you for your lovely comment. It is hard but having a plan. Mr H and I normally have an action plan for everything. But we have been
      given some answers and that makes everything a little less uncertain. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    katy
    July 22, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    I hate uncertainty too. I hope the tests give you some answers and that you can start to make plans once again xx
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 6, 2015 at 10:58 pm

      Thanks for your comment sweetie. Uncertainty is horrible, isn’t it? The tests will give us some answers. Even if the answer is that there is no answer. But that will be something. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Musing Mumma
    July 22, 2015 at 8:53 am

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Thanks you for sharing your story. I think it’s helpful to know how others are feeling to help us all feel some semblance of “normal”. All the best. #twinklytuesday
    Musing Mumma recently posted…Five things I’ve achieved in my first year as a parentMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 6, 2015 at 11:00 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I guess if I know anything now it is that there isn’t any such thing as “normal”. But hopefully we’ll reach a greater state of normality soon. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    becky
    July 20, 2015 at 9:23 pm

    Lucy, Glad to read above that your appointment went OK. I hate uncertainty too, not quite the same uncertainty as yours but still…It consumes me most at night when I should be sleeping I lay there, sometimes all night, thinking a whole lot of What If’s, (and mostly stupid what if’s, I must admit) and paranoia also, I am so paranoid about bad things happening. I don’t even know where it comes from I have always been a ‘what happens happens I will deal with it as and when’ kinda gal…but lately I am turning into a worrier.

    Anyways I am babbling, I hope that your house move goes smoothly and that maybe Little Miss H starts napping soon! Lots of love, Becky XxX
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 6, 2015 at 11:02 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment, gorgeous lady. I love the babbling. I am a worrier too. And I’ve got even worse since becoming a mum. I think it is because as a parent you just feel so helpless. Everything is out of your control. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Leandra
    July 20, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Aw what a lot you’ve been through 🙁 I hope you get some answers to enable you to have another child x beautifully written post. xx
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 6, 2015 at 11:04 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment. We are getting a few answers. But I am afraid that the answer might be that there aren’t any answers. If that is the case then we will deal with it. And I still have hope that we will have another beautiful baby. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    July 20, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    I can’t imagine what must be going through your mind right now. I know when I got to the IVF stage, a lot of if’s where going around mine. And doubt. I just wanted answers or at least something to ‘diagnose’ what was wrong. Having ‘unexplained infertility’ was so tough – as this meant nothing was really wrong but we weren’t getting pregnant either. Going through x3 rounds of IVF probably was my toughest time and definitely affected our relationship. Big hugs and I really hope you get there soon, really wishing you all the luck I can send xxx You deserve everything you wish for, you lovely lady xx

  • Reply
    Megan - Truly Madly Kids
    July 19, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    I hope the clinic goes well and you can be able to move forward from it.

    Try to see this as a little lull, things will change and move forward – then things will be mad and really busy! Enjoy some relative calm while it is a lull – I know, that is easier said than done. Big love to you lady xxxxx
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  • Reply
    Astrid
    July 19, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    I can relate to some of what you describe. The depression you suffered in your twenties must’ve been horrible. I have never been clinically depressed but can relate to being so hopeless at times that I’m not sure I’ll make it through the day.

    With regard to your recurrent miscarriage, I’m so sorry about that. Could you discuss the uncertainty and the feelings of guilt it brings with the doctor at the clinic? That way they may be able to offer counseling or otherwise help you through these feelings. I know that recurrent miscarriage is a terrible experience. I have not been through it but my mother has, and it had a great impact even though she has two children now. #SundaysStars.
    Astrid recently posted…A Lighter Shade of Blue?: Dysthymic DisorderMy Profile

  • Reply
    Silly Mummy
    July 19, 2015 at 11:44 am

    I can’t imagine what you have gone through with your miscarriages, but I do understand finding uncertainty and lack of control difficult to cope with.

    I am so sorry for your losses, and I hope that your appointment was able to provide some help. #sundaystars

  • Reply
    Sue
    July 18, 2015 at 8:37 am

    Hey lovely- totally know where you are coming from. Miscarriage is awful, I’ve had my share. You must remember you’ve carried one child who is healthy and happy so you can do it again. Perhaps circumstances need to be a certain way for you, I’m a big believer in fate. Good luck xxx
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  • Reply
    Kat | Beau Twins
    July 18, 2015 at 8:02 am

    Beautiful lady, you are right. Life is full of uncertainty and it can really make us feel unsettled and uneasy can’t it? You are such a strong person it’s unreal, you have overcome so much in life and that’s testament to your inner strength. I am so blessed to call you my friend and I know that big change is happening for you. Positive new beginnings and this is the first step. Sending so much love and hugs to you. Love you lots sweetie and I am ALWAYS here for you never forget it. xxxxx
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  • Reply
    teacuptoria
    July 17, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    Hello gorgeous lady, I’ve been wondering how you were doing so thought I’d stop by to say hello. I can understand your worries about finding out what is happening, it must be a scary prospect. I’m actually seeing my best friend this evening who has just suffered her first failed round of IVF. She has been trying for a few years now and eventually found out she has polycystic ovaries. I think she felt relieved knowing there was a reason in the end. It’s funny how uncertainty effects us. I suffer from stress so I’ve found that having certainty in my life helps to make me feel secure and in control. Like you say though, things in life aren’t always certain and you have to ride those waves for a while until you can grab hold of something again. I’m sure you will 🙂 xx (PS So sorry I missed seeing you at Britmums! I didn’t go in the end, hope you had fun)
    teacuptoria recently posted…Your Best Is Good EnoughMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 17, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment. Uncertainty is tough and I need certainty in my life for exactly the same reason that you do. The appointment today was helpful but underwhelming. We will know more once they have done some tests. I am sorry to hear about your best friend. I can’t imagine what she must be feeling. I hope she gets the baby that she wants in the end. Hugs Mrs H xxxx PS I really missed you at Britmums but I understand why you didn’t go. xxxx

  • Reply
    Jenna
    July 17, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    I’m thinking of you today, Lucy.

    I hope you get some answers and that they are helpful.

    Love you lots xx
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 17, 2015 at 8:50 pm

      Thanks for your comment lovely. I am so grateful for all the amazing support that I get from my fab blogging friends. The appointment was fine. I have to have some tests and we will know more after that. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Sarah Christie
    July 17, 2015 at 8:51 am

    Ah Mrs H whatever happens it is not your fault, just a tragic events lovely lady. I so hope you get some answers that will help your journey the best of luck xx
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  • Reply
    Stephanie
    July 17, 2015 at 12:32 am

    Oh lovely, so many questions and not many answers right now but hopefully soon there will be. And you have little Miss H so your body works perfectly fine xx
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