I have been unhappy since the miscarriage that I suffered in November last year.
I’m not depressed.
I’m sad. And there is a difference between sadness and depression.
In the past, I have struggled to identify this difference.
I have suffered from a few low days or found it hard to enjoy life and I have automatically leapt to the conclusion that I am getting ill again. That I am on the slippery slope from shedding a few tears to being so depressed that all I want to do is fall asleep until the world stops turning.
But this time, I know the difference.
I can still get out of bed every morning. I can still laugh and smile. I can still find enjoyment in everyday activities. I still love spending time with Mr H, Little Miss H and my family and friends.
I am still eating. I am still sleeping. I am tired because I am a mum and not because I have the endless weariness that a bout of depression brings with it.
Yet, I am sad.
The miscarriage in November hit me hard.
I wasn’t expecting it. I thought that everything would be okay.
I hate to say it, but when I miscarried again in May, I wasn’t surprised. And although it was upsetting, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on. That event only added to the emptiness and sadness that I felt inside.
Because that is how I now feel.
My heart is heavy.
I feel like I have lost something that I have been searching for desperately. And now I am afraid that it is gone forever.
And it hurts.
I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want these feelings to influence how you see me or act around me. But I have to be honest.
The loss of those babies has affected me profoundly. I don’t think I will ever be the same. This sadness is now inside me. And my smile has been dampened.
Trying for a baby should be fun. Discovering you are pregnant should be exciting. And having a baby should be a joyous experience.
Yet, this is not how I feel. If I look at a pregnancy test and see a positive result then I am filled with fear. I already anticipate the pain and sadness that will come. I can not afford to hope that anything other than the worst will happen.
But, dear readers, I have had enough!
I have had enough of the sadness.
I have had enough of feeling guilty because I am know that I am very blessed and I don’t have the right to complain.
I have had enough of the fact that this sadness is now affecting my ability to be a good person.
I will not let this sadness take control of me. Because then I will get depressed. And that is not something I am going to allow.
So, I am going to take our recent move as an opportunity to have a fresh start.
I need to make changes.
I need to make changes, to become a better person.
Because a person can change. You just need the right motivation. And I have discovered mine.