Recurrent miscarriage

Our recurrent miscarriage story: Sadness

Our recurrent miscarriage story: Sadness

Our recurrent miscarriage story: Sadness

I have been unhappy since the miscarriage that I suffered in November last year.

I’m not depressed.

I’m sad. And there is a difference between sadness and depression.

In the past, I have struggled to identify this difference.

I have suffered from a few low days or found it hard to enjoy life and I have automatically leapt to the conclusion that I am getting ill again. That I am on the slippery slope from shedding a few tears to being so depressed that all I want to do is fall asleep until the world stops turning.

But this time, I know the difference.

I can still get out of bed every morning. I can still laugh and smile. I can still find enjoyment in everyday activities. I still love spending time with Mr H, Little Miss H and my family and friends.

I am still eating. I am still sleeping. I am tired because I am a mum and not because I have the endless weariness that a bout of depression brings with it.

Yet, I am sad.

The miscarriage in November hit me hard.

I wasn’t expecting it. I thought that everything would be okay.

I hate to say it, but when I miscarried again in May, I wasn’t surprised. And although it was upsetting, I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on. That event only added to the emptiness and sadness that I felt inside.

Because that is how I now feel.

Empty.

Sad.

My heart is heavy.

I feel like I have lost something that I have been searching for desperately. And now I am afraid that it is gone forever.

And it hurts.

I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want these feelings to influence how you see me or act around me. But I have to be honest.

The loss of those babies has affected me profoundly. I don’t think I will ever be the same. This sadness is now inside me. And my smile has been dampened.

Trying for a baby should be fun. Discovering you are pregnant should be exciting. And having a baby should be a joyous experience.

Yet, this is not how I feel. If I look at a pregnancy test and see a positive result then I am filled with fear. I already anticipate the pain and sadness that will come. I can not afford to hope that anything other than the worst will happen.

But, dear readers, I have had enough!

I have had enough of the sadness.

I have had enough of feeling guilty because I am know that I am very blessed and I don’t have the right to complain.

I have had enough of the fact that this sadness is now affecting my ability to be a good person.

I will not let this sadness take control of me. Because then I will get depressed. And that is not something I am going to allow.

So, I am going to take our recent move as an opportunity to have a fresh start.

I need to make changes.

I need to make changes, to become a better person.

Because a person can change. You just need the right motivation. And I have discovered mine.

Hugs

Mrs H

xxxx

Mami 2 Five
The Twinkle Diaries

36 Comments

  • Reply
    Sarah Christie
    September 19, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Ah you are such a beautiful person inside and out, I feel so sad that you are going through this pain beautiful lady, I hope one day the pain becomes less x
    Sarah Christie recently posted…Growing With Type 1 DiabetesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Juliet McGrattan
    September 17, 2015 at 8:04 am

    What an honest post. Miscarriages are common and so it’s easy to assume they can just be shrugged off and put behind you. You demonstrate beautifully how this isn’t the case and the feelings of grief can run so deep. This is a good reminder to me to just spend that extra few minutes with my next patient who has miscarried to really find out how she’s feeling. Thank you x
    Juliet McGrattan recently posted…Vagina…..there, I said it!My Profile

  • Reply
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama
    September 12, 2015 at 10:21 am

    Aah pet. I do understand. And you’re so right to differentiate between sadness and depression. Losing a baby *is* so very sad. And the fear that it could happen again is very real.

    I was anxious for the majority of my pregnancy with the boys as I was fearful it was going to happen all over again. Annoying too ‘cos it was such a textbook, beautiful pregnancy! I wish, so much, that I could have just enjoyed it, without worrying. Thinking of you and always here for you. Lots of love xx Thanks so much for linking up with us #TwinklyTuesday

    Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted…Home Etc #17 — Home and Garden Inspired Blog HopMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lady Nym
    September 11, 2015 at 4:48 am

    I’m so sorry for your losses. I do think it can be hard to differentiate between sadness and depression, especially when you’ve suffered from depression in the past. Good luck for the future.

    #SundayStars
    Lady Nym recently posted…Those PhotosMy Profile

  • Reply
    sherry from sherrys pickings
    September 8, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    so sad to hear of your losses. i hope that you feel renewed and full of purpose in the future.
    sherry from sherrys pickings recently posted…Nutty Muesli Breakfast BarsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jules Furness
    September 8, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Oh gosh this is so so sad. Not sure what to say except I get it and that I’m sending hugs #twinklytuesday

  • Reply
    Megan - Truly Madly Kids
    September 7, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    You are right: The move is a change, there are new things to explore, new happy memories to be made. You are a wonderfully, friendly person and I know you can make each day happy. Big love to you xxxx
    Megan – Truly Madly Kids recently posted…Thoughts on the refugee crisisMy Profile

  • Reply
    Claire
    September 7, 2015 at 6:38 am

    Wishing you well in this new season…thinking of you.
    Claire recently posted…Monday Funday, September 7thMy Profile

  • Reply
    Rachel (Lifeofmyfamilyandme)
    September 6, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Such a heartfelt post Lucy, i can not imagine what your going through but a fresh start is always helpful and can help renew your positivity 🙂 #sundaystars

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 10:03 pm

      Thanks so much for your lovely comment. I think a fresh start is just what we need. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    You Baby Me Mummy
    September 6, 2015 at 7:34 pm

    Oh my darling. I have no words of wisdom but I genuinely wish I could help you. Big hugs darling xxxx
    You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…My Sunday Photo 6th SeptemberMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 10:04 pm

      Thanks for your comment darling lady. You are so lovely. Having your friendship is help enough. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Betty and the Bumps
    September 6, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Hi!

    I didn’t want to read and run, although I’m not sure how anything I can say can help. You have an amazing attitude, that’s for sure, but it can’t be easy. I’ve only been pregnant once and I’ve only tried to get pregnant once so I can’t share that feeling of losing a baby, but – as we are thinking about trying for baby number two soon – I do know what you mean about taking a test stirring up more negative emotions than positive. I think if I were lucky enough to get pregnant again I think I’d immediately expect the worst – I’m not getting any younger after all. I know that’s a terrible attitude to have but I’ve always been like that, unfortunately.

    I really admire your outlook and I think I could learn a lot from you. I’ve been procrastinating over a lot of things because I’ve been waiting to get pregnant again but I’m starting to realise that I can change those things now, and if I get pregnant then I get pregnant and that’ll be the icing on the cake, as it were.

    Thanks for sharing.

    xx

    #sundaystars

  • Reply
    Silly Mummy
    September 6, 2015 at 4:49 pm

    I am so sorry for your losses. This is a brilliant account of the distinction between sadness and depression. I personally don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty for how you feel – if something is the worst thing that has happened to you, I think it is okay for your feelings to reflect that, even though worst things may have happened to others. That doesn’t make you a bad person: our own feelings and personal sense of perspective are always relative to our own field of experience. Nor is feeling sad about this an indication that you don’t appreciate the wonderful things you have in your life. That said, I entirely agree that if, for your sake, you feel you need to change how you feel, then you should. Your determination not to let this pull you into depression is wonderful. I wish you all the best with your fresh start and new house. #sundaystars
    Silly Mummy recently posted…Why Breast v Formula Should Not Be a DebateMy Profile

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    September 6, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Oh hun. Sorry you’ve been so sad. Even though I have only had one mc I was so sad after mine though. Really sad. I hope you are still enjoying your house move and time with your beautiful family. And that you get your precious baby soon. You deserve it so much xxxxxx

    #SundayStars

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 10:06 pm

      Thank you so much lovely. It is terribly sad whether you have had 1 mc or 50. You still have the same feeling of sadness and loss. And moving to the new house and to a new town is the fresh start that I need. I am sure that it will help all of us. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Amanda
    September 6, 2015 at 10:46 am

    I am very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how awful a miscarriage must be. However, I can relate to your post. I feel sad every day, I’m not depressed either, I still eat, drink, sleep. But all with a sadness. I have just been told I will never have my own child. I’m glad you have found a motivation to try to be happy again. This is what I must do now, maybe moving away, maybe changing jobs? I’m not sure yet.
    Your post struck me hard, so I’m sending you love and strength and wishing you happiness for your future with your family. I am on that road now, trying with my Husband to find a future with some happiness in it.
    We are lucky we have good Husbands, and for that I am thankful.
    Amanda. xx
    Amanda recently posted…The Secret Life of a Book Blogger book tag!My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:56 pm

      I am so sorry for your news. I wish I could give you a huge hug. But please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You have just been told something huge and you need time to adjust to that information. If you ever want to talk or just air your feelings then please DM me. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Becky (@EducatingR)
    September 6, 2015 at 7:53 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You are incredible strong to go through what you have and I admire you. Xxx #sundaystars

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:53 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment. I don’t feel strong at all. I am just living through it and trying to do the best that I can. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Katie
    September 5, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Oh my love, I’m sending you the biggest cwtches ever. I’m sorry you have been feeling so sad and I really hope this move will bring a new, happier, chapter for you and your family, because if anyone deserves it you do xxx
    Katie recently posted…The Summer Days Linky ~ call that a summer?My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      Thank you lovely lady. Big cwtches are always gratefully received. It feels good to be having a fresh start, in more ways than one. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Adventures of a Novice Mum
    September 5, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    I can’t even begin to imagine how it must have been for you. So lovely though, that you’re taking a stand against the sadness dominating and making a choice to rise out of it against the odds.

    I’m really hoping with you that the next positive test will result in the joyful outcome you so hope for and not the worst case scenario that lurks in your mind.

    Sending lots of love 🙂
    Adventures of a Novice Mum recently posted…Silent Sunday 24My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 10:02 pm

      Thank you so much for your lovely and hugely kind comment. I really appreciate it. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    A Cornish Mum
    September 5, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Good luck with the fresh start lovely, I really feel for you, no one should even have to go through this once let alone more.
    But you are strong and you will be okay (keep repeating to yourself!)
    Much love
    Stevie xxxx
    A Cornish Mum recently posted…Proud Mum MomentMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:50 pm

      I think that this will become my new mantra. Thank you lovely. I know that whatever the outcome I will be okay. I also know that this fresh start is the best thing for my lovely family. Thanks for commenting. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Rachel
    September 5, 2015 at 8:28 am

    My heart breaks for you. So sorry for all this sadness. But go you, the strength you have to motivate yourself to feel different is amazing. Lots of love xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      Thank you lovely lady. It is funny. I don’t feel strong at all but I know that I need to feel differently and to do that I need to make some changes. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Mini Travellers
    September 5, 2015 at 6:37 am

    Huge hugs lovely, I am happy you are seeing your move as a new start, but I’m not surprised you are sad. You are right it is unfair that it isn;t a happy time. Cherish your family close and cuddle lots xxx
    Mini Travellers recently posted…Auckland Castle with ChildrenMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:45 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment gorgeous lady. The move is s great new start and I am going to try and embrace it. And embrace it with my wonderful little family. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Julia @ Rainbeaubelle
    September 5, 2015 at 6:26 am

    I think the house move is a really good and logical time to try to make this change. It’s like a fresh start when you moe isn’t it, a clean slate, so if you have the strength then go for it and we will all support you. Just remember you will hopefully get some answers soon and the outcome that you want might not be that far away. Lots of love xx
    Julia @ Rainbeaubelle recently posted…On the Laziness of GriefMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:43 pm

      Thank you for your lovely comment Julia. Sometimes I feel so stupid writing these feelings down. But it is cathartic and hopefully getting some answers soon will help. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Heledd - Running in Lavender
    September 5, 2015 at 12:31 am

    This is a beautiful and heartwarming post Lucy. I know the pain you’ve gone through but it sounds like you’re being strong and finding your smile again. You’re an amazing mother and Little Miss H deserves your best. Be positive and take each day at a time. Big hugs, as always xxx
    Heledd – Running in Lavender recently posted…My Captured Moment #35My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:41 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment gorgeous Heledd. It has been very hard to find my smile again but I know the changes that I need to make to get it back. And although hoping is painful, I am still hoping for my happy ending. And I am also trying to enjoy my time with my gorgeous girlie. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Katie LifeonVistaStreet Haydock
    September 4, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    You are not and are not BECOMING a bad person. You are lovely: never forget this.
    You write about a great sadness that should be told and shared and shared and shared! Grab all of the positivity that you can – your day will come xxxxxxxxxxx
    Katie LifeonVistaStreet Haydock recently posted…A Little Birdhouse In Your Soul… How To Make A Teapot BirdhouseMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 6, 2015 at 9:39 pm

      Thank you beautiful lady for such a gorgeous comment. It made me quite tearful. You are a good friend and far too kind. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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