Recurrent miscarriage

Miscarriage: Where do I go from here?

This was not the blog post that I was planning to write today.

But this is the blog post that I NEED to write today.

You see, my dear readers, I can’t really pretend any longer. I can’t keep pretending that I am okay. That I am making the changes I need to make myself feel better.

Because I’m not.

And sitting here right at this moment, I am depressed.

I just want to go to bed and sleep for one hundred years.

I don’t want to feel the heart ache any more. I don’t want to feel the emptiness. The loneliness.

I know I am not the only person in the world suffering or feeling heart ache. I know that there are people in this world who are currently experiencing atrocities that I could never comprehend. But the truth is I am not them. They are not me. And I only feel what I feel.

And I feel depressed.

On Friday, I had a hysteroscopy. It was the final test that the NHS will offer us in our investigations into the recurrent miscarriages.

It didn’t give any answers. My miscarriages remain unexplained. It could be bad luck. It could be a chromosomal issue. We might never know.

And that for me is the worst development. I know, it is ridiculous to want something to be wrong. But I wanted there to be something wrong with me so that there was a reason for the miscarriages.

Stupid! I know.

But now there is nothing left. We want another baby. I now yearn for another baby with every fibre of my being. And so we keep on trying and hope that we strike gold.

But I am fearful.

And I am angry. I am angry with the world. With God. But most of all with myself.

Why can I not keep a child alive in my body? Why could I do it once but not now?

I have always struggled with how I see myself.

I can’t ever say I particularly like myself. Most of the times I tolerate myself. Or I accept that I have both good and bad qualities.

But at the moment, I despise myself. I feel odious. I don’t even want to spend time in my own company.

And this scares me. More than anything. Because these feelings that I have described above they are symptoms. They are symptoms of my depression.

And I have known that they, and other symptoms, have been creeping up on me. Stealthily. Oh so stealthily. But with absolute certainty.

What can I do about it? Well, I know all the practical things I need to do. But I just can’t bring myself to do them.

So, where do I go from here? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

I am just hoping that I will feel better in the morning.

Hugs

Mrs H

xxxx

Featured on the Mumsnet front page, as Netmums Blog of the Day and as my first Huffington Post Blog.

 

36 Comments

  • Reply
    Heather
    October 30, 2017 at 3:03 am

    I am just coming across your blog. Thank you for sharing. We are currently going through a similar situation and I’ve felt very alone. You are amazing and brave, and I’m so glad you have your rainbows!

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 30, 2017 at 9:53 pm

      I’m so so sorry to read that you’re going through this. It is such a horrible and heartbreaking situation. I feel for you so much. Please know that you’re not alone. And if you need to talk then please message me. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Harriet Leonard
    November 10, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    This post has broken my heart. I’m so so sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine what you are going through. Sending you lots of love and strength xx
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  • Reply
    Jodie
    November 10, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry that you are going through this and that you have no answers. The future will surprise you and take you on a path you may not have expected.
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  • Reply
    Ickle Pickle
    November 9, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    I am so, so sorry to read this. I don’t really know what to say. Be gentle with yourself, it is not your fault. You DID do it once – be positive that you WILL do it again. Kaz x
    Ickle Pickle recently posted…More room please!My Profile

  • Reply
    Colette B
    November 9, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    I’m sorry you didn’t find the answers you needed. I hope you can find the strength to keep trying x

  • Reply
    The London Mum
    November 9, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    There’s nothing I can say that’ll make you feel better or help. I find it so unfair that some people conceive at the click of their fingers when they don’t want a baby and others really struggle. It will happen, you just have to be brave and never stop attempting to have your child. When they come along the joy will only be that much sweeter knowing how desperately they were wanted. x
    The London Mum recently posted…October Round UpMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kate
    November 9, 2015 at 10:15 am

    I don’t think this is stupid at all. If there was a medical explanation, it could be something you could begin to deal with, or accept more readily. ‘Unexplained’ just sucks. It doesn’t begin to help, and doesn’t give you anything to work with. I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon, get the help you deserve and need. x
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  • Reply
    Nearlyyummymummy
    November 9, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Oh darling I am so sorry. Wish there was a way I could give you an enormous hug. It is totally normal that you want an answer as to why this keeps happening. It is also totally normal that you are not feeling ok. With everything you are going through I don’t think anyone expects you to be. But don’t hate yourself. It is not your fault and you have not failed. Miracles do happen and I hope and pray that you get your rainbow baby soon xxxx

  • Reply
    Gemma @ Confessions of a Nagging Mother
    November 9, 2015 at 9:22 am

    Awww lovely, I am so sorry you have gone through this. I’m not sure I can say anything that will make this situation better but want to send you huge hugs xxx

    Gemma xx

  • Reply
    laura dove
    October 15, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    I came to read your blog following your comment on my post. I so understand this heartache. We lost fifteen babies to miscarriage. I had every single test available on the NHS and those offered privately. We had genetic testing, we had invasive tests, explored every avenue, and the answer that was given to us – It’s simply bad luck. And that was a bitter pill to swallow.
    THANK GOD we came across an amazing consultant who suggested that perhaps during my next pregnancy I inject with clexane (despite having no clotting issues) and here we are, three years later with a 3, 2 and a 1 year old. All were clexane babies, all are healthy and none of us will ever know if the clexane was what brought them to us or whether it was simply fate. Either way, never give up hope. Miracles DO happen, I have four of them to prove it. xxx
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  • Reply
    Claire
    October 11, 2015 at 8:07 am

    My heart is breaking for you, the pain and hurt must be unimaginable and the depression seems no surprise! Please know that you need to take this slowly… please know that you will start to heal, I don’t know when but one day it woun’t hurt this much! Until then just take the time to be what you need, whether that be angry, sad or indifferent… Life is precious and you shouldn’t have to spend it feeling this way but that is the way it is for some of us xx I’m sending you big virtual hugs and offering a listening ear if ever you need a stranger to rant at!!
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  • Reply
    My Blog Library | September 2015 | Dad Without A Map
    October 5, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    […] 4. Miscarriage: Where Do I Go From Here? | Mrs H’s Favourite Things […]

  • Reply
    Kgomotso
    September 24, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Thank you for articulating and giving a voice to so many women who are going through what you are going through. I am so sorry about the pain that you have to endure in trying to extend your family. Grieving for a baby you never held is so unfair and so painful and it seldom feels as if you are suffering alone and privately as technically, nobody else but you was aware of the little life growing inside you. The little life that never was… I am sorry for you and your family and I am thinking about you. Love and light xx
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  • Reply
    Katy (What Katy Said)
    September 24, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    Oh Lucy, I cannot bear that they didn’t find anything. I know what you mean, to have found something would have meant they could have tried to fix it. But now not to know anything at all I cannot imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it must be. But please please hold on to this- my mother in law had 5 miscarriages having never carried a healthy baby at all. She tried and tried again and eventually my husband was born, she then went on to have 2 more healthy babies. You have your beautiful little girl so you know you can do it but for whatever reason those little babies were not ready but if you yearn for a baby then try when you are strong enough again. Miracles can happen Lucy and you really deserve one. xxx
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  • Reply
    Detrice Matthews
    September 22, 2015 at 8:28 pm

    I think the way I once described those feelings as being heartbroken – almost like someone has punched you in the chest. You are right you do yearn for sleep to come. You are also right to say you know the symptoms – as someone who has also been there and staving it off now, please trust yourself & speak to your gp it will help I promise. Take care & feel free to email me if you would like, Detrice x

  • Reply
    The Duchess
    September 22, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    Oh you poor sweet lady. It’s so hard.

    Sometimes just saying it out loud to someone helps. Having it in the open. Seeing that its real. Hearing it.

    It’s just so sad that so many people suffer – but know that you do not suffer alone.

    http://theglasshousegirls.com/articles/the-living-room/dear-darling.html – Something that a reader sent to us – we hope it helps you feel less alone.

    The Duchess
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  • Reply
    Sammy at Seize each day
    September 22, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Oh lovely Lucy, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this and didn’t get a definite diagnosis. As you say it would have been better to be told there is a problem of such and such and this is what is causing the miscarriages. But to be told they don’t know is worse. I’m so sorry you are going through this, but hold that little girl of yours tight and know that there are lots of us out here sending love and wishing you all the best for the future. Hugs your way xxx
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  • Reply
    Jaclyn Schoknecht
    September 22, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    Dear Mrs. H,

    I have been where you are and know how sad and hopeless you feel right now. I miscarried twins after three years of infertility and suffered a deep depression. The best things I did for myself were: 1) taking the time I needed to grieve and build up the emotional energy before I was ready to try again, and 2) finding a wonderful therapist who had gone through infertility and multiple miscarriages herself.

    You’ve been able to reach out to your readers, so I have no doubt you can make the effort to find a great therapist. Resolve.org is a wonderful resource if you don’t know where to start.

    Please take care of yourself. You will get through this.

    xo, Jaclyn
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  • Reply
    Hannah Budding Smiles
    September 22, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    Huge, enormous hugs and I wish I could say something useful. Recognising your symptoms is a good thing, I hope that with the right support you can work through them. I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting right now and grief is an ongoing process so please don’t pressure yourself to just feel okay about your losses xx
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  • Reply
    Leigh - Headspace Perspective
    September 22, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Sending love, lovely Lucy. I had tests after Hugo was born to find out if I had a pre-existing condition that might have contributed to me getting HELLP syndrome. I really wanted the tests to show something, despite the fact the conditions they were testing for are serious. They came back clear and I was so angry and frustrated. I didn’t want a long-term condition, I wanted – needed – something to blame. I couldn’t accept there wasn’t a reason. I hated myself too. Absolutely awful. Therapy helped, eventually, and while I will never be ‘better’, I feel better able to deal with it. Lots of love and hugs xxx
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  • Reply
    You Baby Me Mummy
    September 21, 2015 at 11:10 pm

    Oh how I wish I could give you a big hug. No-one can say anything to help, but you need to talk to someone who can help you. You deserve to be happy my love xxxx
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  • Reply
    Not A Frumpy Mum
    September 21, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    Lucy, I just wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I understand every emotion you are describing and some days it’s hits me so hard and all I want to do is cry. I know how frustrating it is to be told nothing is wrong, but for it to still not happen.
    Keep talking to your husband and try to be kind to yourself. There will be good and bad days, some days when everything is fine and others when you hate the world for being so bloody hard and unfair. I’m here if you ever need a chat. xxx
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  • Reply
    carla
    September 21, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    I just want to come and give you a big hug. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling on a personal level but I can empathise with the losses. It must be so difficult to have no answers but please try not to give up hope. Always here if you want to chat x
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  • Reply
    Jess Soothill
    September 21, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    It must be so hard. I feel for you. BIG hugs. I really hope that you talk to someone – anyone that can help. You need some support. I am here anytime you need me. Don’t know what to say other than you are my dear friend who I will try to help if I can. Love and hugs, Jess xx

  • Reply
    Maria Noell
    September 21, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    I don’t actually know what to say that will make you feel better… or to do justice just how much I want for you to feel happier inside. I just want to give you a big hug and let you know that you have a friend lovely lady. I’m sorry that this is happening to you, I truly am xoxo

  • Reply
    Jenn
    September 21, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Oh, I wish I had something really smart to say…but I don’t.
    I can’t even say that I feel your pain, because no one can feel it but you.
    What I can say though, is that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us out there!
    Jenn

  • Reply
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome
    September 21, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Oh darling Lucy, I wish I could offer some words to make it all better but I know I can’t. I can’t even imagine how difficult all of this is for you but do remember that you are loved by a great many people. It doesn’t seem fair that you have to suffer like this and I do hope that you get the support you need xxx
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  • Reply
    Heledd - Running in Lavender
    September 21, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Oh Lucy I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. Like yourself, love yourself even because you deserve all the love and respect in the world. I know you’re having an incredibly tough time at the moment and I wish I could take it away. Try and concentrate on all the positive people you have in your life, I think that’s a good place to start. Also, talk to someone a professional maybe? Let’s get you back on your feet lady. Sending all my love xxx
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  • Reply
    Tim
    September 21, 2015 at 8:41 am

    Oh, Lucy. I can only imagine how you must feel but admitting the truth of how you feel has to be a positive first step. I hope you come through this with time.
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  • Reply
    Kate
    September 21, 2015 at 8:37 am

    Oh my lovely, wanting a diagnosis is completely normal and understandable, the great unknown is far more scary. I wish some magic words I had could conjurer up the laughter that I know you carry, the smiles I know you can’t bear to show right now, but words fail and hard though it is you need to take that pathway that you have traversed before. This is not a should, nor a nag, but a need – for hard though the road, and unpleasant the trail, we both know that sitting in the mud will not cause you to sink lower. Be brave and courageous my lovely, climb, kick, scream, and know that every step you are loved and prayed for.

  • Reply
    Katie Haydock
    September 21, 2015 at 7:27 am

    I Don’t think it’s stupid at all Mrs H. I think the news you’ve had is totally frustrating… even if it is positive.
    But you do need to take all the necessary steps to pull the lovely, positive, pink lipstick wearing you back to where you were.
    It will happen… just keep swimming xx xx xx
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  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    September 21, 2015 at 7:06 am

    Oh my lovely Lucy, I am so sorry that you are feeling like this and that you don’t have the answers that you were so desperately seeking. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to have found something wrong – it would have given you answers and you would have known what you were dealing with and maybe some help in carrying a healthy pregnancy. I know just how horrible and emotional and mentally challenging it is to have to deal with this. My sister had three miscarriages after she had my very healthy nephew. She couldn’t understand why her body had carried a perfectly healthy baby and then couldn’t seem to do so anymore. She was convinced that it was hospital failure – she had the funny blood type where you need an injection straight after birth to stop your body rejecting future pregnancies but she never remembered having one. But she might have. And so whilst she convinces herself that that was the cause, she never did find out. I know you have to have three losses before any investigation and one of hers hadn’t been confirmed by the doctor and so they still had down that she’d only had two and she was at such a loss that she decided that was it. She didn’t try again because she just couldn’t go through it again. So that’s kind of how I know how bloody horrendous the whole thing is. I know too that your situation is even more horrible because of your depression. You’ve come such a long way in keeping it at bay, of dealing with it, working through it and coming out the other side so it seems so ruddy unfair that on top of everything you’ve had to deal with, you have to deal with this too. I obviously don’t have any advice for you, I don’t think there really is any because it’s such a personal individual experience. I so hope that you have woken up feeling that you have at the very least got some of it off your chest and out of your head and know that we are all here for you any time you are feeling down. I wish I could give you a real life hug xxxx
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  • Reply
    Stephanie
    September 20, 2015 at 10:49 pm

    sending hugs, lovely lady x
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  • Reply
    Sarah Christie
    September 20, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    Oh Mrs H I just don’t know what to say be kind to yourself chat to hubby get sone support I hate to see you feeling like this x

  • Reply
    Mini Travellers
    September 20, 2015 at 9:53 pm

    oh Lucy my lovely I just wish I could scoop you up for a cuddle. I know you want this so badly, I know you ache and yearn, I don’t know what I can do to help and I really really want to do something. Cuddle that gorgeous girlie of yours, do something fun with her to make you smile. Sleep tight and wake up fresh, take baby steps and smile at the sun. Xxxxx
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