I love you. I really do. But over the past few months your bad behaviour has escalated.
I can no longer stand by in silence. I have to speak out.
That is why I am writing this epistle.
I don’t have the option of putting you on the naughty step or giving you a time out.
This is my opportunity to say that enough is enough. I am not going to put up with it any longer. Your current behaviour has got to stop.
I am asking you nicely.
For the sake of my sanity.
From the bottom of my little Squidget heart, please consider the following:
1.Close the door when you go to the toilet.
It is disgusting that you leave the door open when you are doing your business.
It is abhorrent that every morning my enjoyment of the antics of Mr Tumble is accompanied by the soundtrack of your morning ablutions.
Please learn how to close a door. I am 28 months old and even I know how to shut myself in the bathroom.
2. Give me what I ask for. When I ask for it.
When I ask for apple juice then please can I have apple juice. I do not want the tiniest amount of apple juice topped up with water. That is not what I have asked for.
I am a toddler. I am not stupid.
I know that you often give me water and say it is apple juice in order to keep me quiet.
I don’t imagine that any of the Pitt-Jolie/ Jolie-Pitt children receive this kind of treatment.
3. Stop lying to me.
Again, I want to reiterate the fact that I am a toddler. I am not stupid.
When you give me a snack of Fruit and Fibre cereal flakes and say it is crisps, I know that you are lying.
Please give me crisps when I want crisps and Fruit and Fibre when I ask for Fruit and Fibre.
4. Daddy is mine.
Please do not kiss or hug Daddy.
In fact, there should be a gap of at least 10 metres between you both at all times.
Disgusting displays of public affection are not called for. They make me feel very uncomfortable.
You should know by now that Daddy belongs to me. I, and I alone, am allowed to give him hugs and kisses.
Stay away from the man I love.
5. For the love of Captain Barnacles, cover up woman!
Please stop having a shower whilst I am in the bath.
Every day I am subjected to your wobbly nakedness. It is not a pretty sight.
I don’t have to see Daddy’s bits and bobs on a daily basis. Why, oh why, do I have to see yours.
Please, Mother, put some clothes on and shower in privacy.
6. It is my right as a human being to have a banana whenever I want one.
I am fed up of hearing “no darling, you can’t have a banana. You’ve eaten three already today.”
If I want a banana then I should be able to eat a ruddy banana.
7. My belongings are mine.
Please stop kidnapping Maxi Monkey and my other friends and putting them in the washing machine.
The washing machine is Guantanamo Bay for soft toys.
It is inhumane.
They aren’t even given a fair trial before being subjected to such cruelty.
They may be a little smelly or have fallen in a puddle. But that is not a crime.
I love Maxi Monkey et al. just as they are. With all their smelly imperfections.
Stay away from them. They are under my protection. And I will defend their right to be smelly with my life, if I have to.
Leave them alone.
8. You are not Taylor Swift
I love to dance to Shake, Shake. But when you dance and sing along too then it seriously kills my mojo.
You are a worse dancer than Daddy. And that is saying something (sorry Daddy).
You are completely uncoordinated and tone deaf.
Put a sock in it woman.
9. I am an artist
Why do I always have to paint in the bath? It is not right or fair.
Were Picasso or Monet only allowed to paint their works of art whilst naked and surrounded by a white enamel cage?
I think not!
Allow me to be the artist I was born to be. Stop stifling my creativity.
10. You are not a hair dresser.
Have you been trained by Vidal Sassoon?
Then keep those bloody scissors away from my fringe.
You don’t butcher your own hair. So stay away from mine.
I do love you Mummy. Not as much as I love Daddy… but you are definitely in my top 20 favourite people.
But I would love you a whole lot more if you could take some time to look at yourself.
Look at your current behaviour.
Look at how far you have strayed from the straight and narrow.
Take a good look Mummy. Because your current behaviour has got to stop.
Little Miss H