Motherhood

Your current behaviour has got to stop!

A little girl, looking all sweetness and light, sitting on a window seat and starring into the distance with the title_Your current behaviour has got to stop!_Mrs H's favourite things

Dear Mummy

I love you. I really do. But over the past few months your bad behaviour has escalated.

I can no longer stand by in silence. I have to speak out.

That is why I am writing this epistle.

I don’t have the option of putting you on the naughty step or giving you a time out.

This is my opportunity to say that enough is enough. I am not going to put up with it any longer. Your current behaviour has got to stop.

I am asking you nicely.

For the sake of my sanity.

From the bottom of my little Squidget heart, please consider the following:

1.Close the door when you go to the toilet.

It is disgusting that you leave the door open when you are doing your business.

It is abhorrent that every morning my enjoyment of the antics of Mr Tumble is accompanied by the soundtrack of your morning ablutions.

Please learn how to close a door. I am 28 months old and even I know how to shut myself in the bathroom.

Enough already.

2. Give me what I ask for. When I ask for it.

When I ask for apple juice then please can I have apple juice. I do not want the tiniest amount of apple juice topped up with water. That is not what I have asked for.

I am a toddler. I am not stupid.

I know that you often give me water and say it is apple juice in order to keep me quiet.

I don’t imagine that any of the Pitt-Jolie/ Jolie-Pitt children receive this kind of treatment.

3. Stop lying to me.

Again, I want to reiterate the fact that I am a toddler. I am not stupid.

When you give me a snack of Fruit and Fibre cereal flakes and say it is crisps, I know that you are lying.

Please give me crisps when I want crisps and Fruit and Fibre when I ask for Fruit and Fibre.

Simples!

4. Daddy is mine.

Please do not kiss or hug Daddy.

In fact, there should be a gap of at least 10 metres between you both at all times.

Disgusting displays of public affection are not called for. They make me feel very uncomfortable.

You should know by now that Daddy belongs to me. I, and I alone, am allowed to give him hugs and kisses.

Stay away from the man I love.

5. For the love of Captain Barnacles, cover up woman!

Please stop having a shower whilst I am in the bath.

Every day I am subjected to your wobbly nakedness. It is not a pretty sight.

I don’t have to see Daddy’s bits and bobs on a daily basis. Why, oh why, do I have to see yours.

Please, Mother, put some clothes on and shower in privacy.

6. It is my right as a human being to have a banana whenever I want one.

I am fed up of hearing “no darling, you can’t have a banana. You’ve eaten three already today.”

If I want a banana then I should be able to eat a ruddy banana.

7. My belongings are mine.

Please stop kidnapping Maxi Monkey and my other friends and putting them in the washing machine.

The washing machine is Guantanamo Bay for soft toys.

It is inhumane.

They aren’t even given a fair trial before being subjected to such cruelty.

They may be a little smelly or have fallen in a puddle. But that is not a crime.

I love Maxi Monkey et al. just as they are. With all their smelly imperfections.

Stay away from them. They are under my protection. And I will defend their right to be smelly with my life, if I have to.

Leave them alone.

8. You are not Taylor Swift

I love to dance to Shake, Shake. But when you dance and sing along too then it seriously kills my mojo.

You are a worse dancer than Daddy. And that is saying something (sorry Daddy).

You are completely uncoordinated and tone deaf.

Put a sock in it woman.

9. I am an artist

Why do I always have to paint in the bath? It is not right or fair.

Were Picasso or Monet only allowed to paint their works of art whilst naked and surrounded by a white enamel cage?

I think not!

Allow me to be the artist I was born to be. Stop stifling my creativity.

10. You are not a hair dresser.

Have you been trained by Vidal Sassoon?

No?

Then keep those bloody scissors away from my fringe.

You don’t butcher your own hair. So stay away from mine.

A little girl, looking all sweetness and light, sitting on a window seat and starring into the distance with the title_Your current behaviour has got to stop!_Mrs H's favourite things

I do love you Mummy. Not as much as I love Daddy… but you are definitely in my top 20 favourite people.

But I would love you a whole lot more if you could take some time to look at yourself.

Look at your current behaviour.

Look at how far you have strayed from the straight and narrow.

Take a good look Mummy. Because your current behaviour has got to stop.

Little Miss H

xxxx

The Twinkle Diaries

57 Comments

  • Reply
    Jane Scott
    February 21, 2017 at 12:48 pm

    Love this Lucy,it really could describe my house!Have shared on my Facebook page !

  • Reply
    Clare - My Tunbridge Wells
    January 31, 2017 at 5:21 pm

    Why have I only just read this?! Love it – especially the one about the bananas, the crisps and daddy being ‘mine’! All very relatable in our house for the last 5 years! X

  • Reply
    Emma
    January 7, 2017 at 5:19 pm

    This is brilliant! I think I like the crisps/fruit and fibre trick the best!! And what self respecting mother goes to the loo with the door shut?

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 7, 2017 at 8:45 pm

      Thanks so much Emma. I always think the worse thing is when your partner is in the house and you still leave the door open. Thank you for your comment. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Undercover PTA Mum
    December 13, 2016 at 11:02 am

    Love this! I think it’s just what my two are thinking too…

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      December 15, 2016 at 8:00 pm

      Thanks so much. Now she is a little older, I am sure that she is thinking much worse. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Single Mum Speaks
    December 4, 2016 at 11:02 am

    This is hilarious! Absolutely loved it.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      December 4, 2016 at 7:40 pm

      I am so glad. Little Miss H is very strict with me. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Amy
    November 23, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Love this post! You nailed it! It’s literally like my 3 year old little boy wrote this! Especially the daddy and Banana parts! xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 23, 2016 at 11:54 am

      Ha ha! Thank you. It is good to know that my daughter isn’t the only child who is eccentric. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jessica Powell
    November 1, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    This really made me grin! Loved the bit about ‘daddy is mine’ – we can definitely relate to that on! 🙂

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 1, 2015 at 4:26 pm

      Ha ha! Thanks for your comment. I am glad that this post made you smile. Little Miss H is such a massive daddy’s girl. She definitely thinks that she owns her daddy. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Sarah Christie
    October 20, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    Ha ha I love this Guantanamo Bay for toys, do you know mine moan about me cutting their hair and I am a hairdresser ! x
    Sarah Christie recently posted…Easy Midweek Meals For Busy FamiliesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 1, 2015 at 4:31 pm

      I love the fact that your kids moan about you cutting their hair. That is ludicrous. Little Miss H actually has justifiable reason to complain. I am hopeless. Thanks for commenting lovely. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Kat | Beau Twins
    October 19, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    You nailed it hun! Superb post as always. I can imagine my two saying about me butchering their hair – I have made a faux pas on their fringes the other week – terrible it was. Poor loves. Luckily it was only noticeable to me – but even still WHOOPS! xxx
    Kat | Beau Twins recently posted…I’ve Survived So Far – Update On The Past 8 Months In A NutshellMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 1, 2015 at 4:33 pm

      Thanks for your kind words lovely. Little Miss H often gives me a look and I just know she is thinking all of this. I always butcher her fringe. Our daughters will just all have to have butchered fringes together. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama
    October 16, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    Haha! That’s you told then 😉 I love the thought that she vies for Mr Hs attention with you!! LOL! You’d win hands down lovely!! xx

    Thanks so much for linking up with us for #TwinklyTuesday, we really appreciate it 🙂
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted…#HomeEtc 22 — Home and Garden Inspired Blog HopMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 18, 2015 at 8:13 am

      Thanks for your comment, lovely. Oh, she doesn’t just vie for Mr H’s attention. She wins hands down. I know that I am the lowest ranked individual in this family. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    ERFmama
    October 16, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Hehehe lovely post. 😀 I recognised quite a few of those. 😀

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 18, 2015 at 7:26 am

      Thank you for your comment. I am glad you enjoyed reading this post and could identify with it. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Baby Loss Awareness Week, Mental Health and Mummy Behaviour | Tots 100
    October 16, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    […] Dear Mummy, I love you. I really do. But over the past few months your bad behaviour has escalated. I can no longer stand by in silence. I have to speak out. That is why I am writing this epistle. I don’t have the option of putting you on the naughty step or giving you a time out. This is my opportunity to say that enough is enough. I am not going to put up with it any longer. Your current behaviour has got to stop. Read more from Mrs H’s Favourite Things here. […]

  • Reply
    Potty Mouthed Mummy
    October 15, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    Oh my goodness this is utterly fabulous. One of your best ever. Made me smile and giggle muchly lovely lady xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 18, 2015 at 6:31 pm

      Thank you lovely. That is the most fabulous comment. And praise indeed from one of my all time favourite bloggers. I am so glad that I put a smile on your face. My mission here is done. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Suzanne
    October 15, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    She’s not Taylor Swift? Come on now, us mums are allowed to dream….and dance….aren’t we? We’ve got to have SOME fun! Hilarious post. x PS Why is mum NEVER favourite?
    Suzanne recently posted…Am I Good Enough?My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      October 18, 2015 at 7:29 am

      Thank you so much for your comment. My daughter is very unfair to me, isn’t she? My singing and dancing really aren’t that bad!!! And I am definitely not Little Miss H’s favourite. But at least, I am in the top 20. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Mrs Tubbs
    October 15, 2015 at 12:20 pm

    You missed, “And it really is all your fault”. It’s raining when you want to be outside, daddy is watching the telly when I want to, whatever it is … Your fault! #sharethejoy

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:27 am

      Ha ha! Thanks for you’re comment. I am waiting until she is a teenager and then I am sure everything will be my fault. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Steph
    October 15, 2015 at 10:42 am

    Hi,
    Just wanted to say how brilliant this post is.
    I loved reading this, made me laugh a lot. x
    Steph recently posted…Unexpected mother of twinsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:28 am

      Oh thank you for your lovely comment. I am glad it made you laugh. Hugs Mrs H xxxx.

  • Reply
    Mini Travellers
    October 14, 2015 at 7:28 pm

    Bloody love it!!!

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:29 am

      Thanks lovely. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Adrian
    October 14, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    Very funny twist! I am becoming very aware of Little B’s observations and understanding – he is no longer a baby and I also need to stop doing some stuff in front of him. I said the F word by accident this week and he giggled. I am now mortified and living in fear of him blurting it out in front of in laws, grandparents, childminder, supermarket staff! I also need to stop wandering around and doing the ironing naked but that’s actually Mrs B who’s been begging me to stop that for years. 🙂

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:31 am

      Ha ha Adrian. Thanks for your comment. I have let the odd f word slip out in front of Little Miss H. And Mr H swears like a trooper so I am sure that she will be a potty mouth. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Natasha
    October 14, 2015 at 11:24 am

    hahaha awww…this post made me laugh out loud!! S is 3 yrs and 7 mnths and I still dilute his apple juice when I can. As for my wobbly bits in the shower?! I’m hoping there’s a way to erase that from his long term memory! xx
    Natasha recently posted…A reason, season or a lifetimeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:32 am

      Thanks for your lovely comment. I am glad that I am not the only mum who dilutes apple juice. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a machine to erase their memory. All those times I have sworn in front of her would go. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Lisa BacksnBumps
    October 14, 2015 at 10:18 am

    Really good post this made me laugh. I wonder what really goes through the little ones minds each day. My son used to give me this look when he was tiny to put me in my place! came over from love2blog
    Lisa BacksnBumps recently posted…My top 5 from the first 2 trimestersMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:33 am

      Thanks for your comment. Little Miss H often gives me a look of complete disdain. And I’ve obviously done something to horrify her. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    StressedMum
    October 13, 2015 at 9:49 pm

    This is so funny, you really can imagine a toddler saying all this as well x
    StressedMum recently posted…Technology can be a good thingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 17, 2015 at 10:34 am

      Thanks for your comment. I can certainly imagine Little Miss saying all of this. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • Reply
    Wave to Mummy
    October 13, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    Ha ha this is just brilliant 🙂 I could imagine my toddler saying pretty much similar things, especially about the apple juice 😀 we try to sneak water in too by saying it is juice 😀 she doesn’t buy it anymore…
    Wave to Mummy recently posted…Feeding the good wolf in me – about trying to live a positive lifeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Heledd - Running in Lavender
    October 13, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    Ha ha ha love this post Lucy! It’s a perfect example of your great sense of humour and fantastic writing. Sounds like little Miss H has managed to get quite a few issues off her chest. It also sounds like you’re on your way back! xx
    Heledd – Running in Lavender recently posted…Clarins Joli Rouge Lipstick – A little Obsessed!My Profile

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    October 13, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    Oh this made me giggle – especially the daddy is mine part. Dear Little Miss H one day you’ll know exactly why mummy does all these 🙂 #sharethejoy
    Stephanie recently posted…A fun-filled evening with Monarch at N1 Golf in GreenwichMy Profile

  • Reply
    Katie LifeonVistaStreet Haydock
    October 13, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    This is hilarious! I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw the title – absolutely brilliant. I literally snorted at number 6!
    My little miss is the same with pom bears! she can’t be fooled either….

  • Reply
    Natalie Smithson
    October 13, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    This post is IMMENSE! Love the twist from concerned infant to bossy toddler. I laughed all the way through with recognition as the words “Up” and “Get it” ring in my ears.

    I should admit, though, that I have butchered my own fringe (it didn’t go well). Even so, I’m entrusted to accurately cut my little lady’s fringe, but never her nails… after that little incident with her father and his big toe 😐

    Nat
    Natalie Smithson recently posted…7 UK Baby Shows to Get People Talking About Your BrandMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mummy Tries
    October 13, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    Absolutely brilliant honey, loved every bit of this! I only give the tiniest bit of apple juice and top it up with water, much to the disgust of my kids 😉 and the don’t kiss or hug daddy thing, even my 6yo gets jealous over that one. Glad it’s not just me. Mwah xxxx
    Mummy Tries recently posted…I’m Getting Behind The Seriously Awkward Campaign. Are you?My Profile

  • Reply
    Helen - Mess Stress and Fancy Dress
    October 13, 2015 at 7:06 pm

    Clearly you are a most unreasonable mother and bring shame and humiliation on your daughter unnecessarily. Give her a year and she’ll be notifying pre-school of these misgivings on a daily basis. I feel my toddler shares some of these concerns. I chortled at number 1! xx. #twinklytuesdays
    Helen – Mess Stress and Fancy Dress recently posted…Goodbye sun, Hello moon….(we’ll have more fun tomorrow)My Profile

  • Reply
    Sian @ QuiteFranklySheSaid
    October 13, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    This is superb! I am howling with laughter! Thank you, I needed the giggles today x
    Sian @ QuiteFranklySheSaid recently posted…Beautiful Births #11My Profile

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    October 13, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    Ha ha love this! I think Harry & Lottie would be feeling same if they could write a blog too!!! Well said Miss, so you leave her be Mrs H and let her play and do whatever she wants from now on! 😉 Great post!!!! Jess xx

    #twinklytuesday

  • Reply
    katy
    October 13, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    This made me laugh. Out. Loud!! Fab post hun!!! x
    katy recently posted…A Water Challenge: Week 2My Profile

  • Reply
    Morgan Prince
    October 13, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    Absolutely brilliant! This had me laughing the whole way through. Yes, mummy should not cut your hair with scissors! – leave it to the professionals! hehe 😉
    Morgan Prince recently posted…Health and Weight Loss 33My Profile

  • Reply
    Julie Downes
    October 13, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Oops forgot #TwinklyTuesday
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  • Reply
    Anita Cleare
    October 13, 2015 at 10:44 am

    What a lovely post! I used to lie to my children that dried apple flakes were “sweets” when they were little. For many years I put the clocks forward on New Year’s Eve after misguidedly agreeing they could stay up until midnight – oh how far from the paths of truth we stray! #TwinklyTuesday
    Anita Cleare recently posted…How to have fun family time with a teenagerMy Profile

  • Reply
    Julie Downes
    October 13, 2015 at 10:44 am

    Ah this is so funny. My daughter is with Little miss H on point 8 often telling me not to sing but sometimes I just have to ignore her and carry on much to her annoyance!
    Julie Downes recently posted…A walk around Frensham Little PondMy Profile

  • Reply
    Michelle Reeves (The Joy Chaser)
    October 13, 2015 at 9:14 am

    Haha this is utterly BRILLIANT honey! You must link this up at #ShareTheJoy plleeeeeaaase! Other people need to chuckle along with me and this is THE perfect post today for that. Oh and I’m not Taylor Swift either *sigh*.

  • Reply
    Maria Noell
    October 13, 2015 at 8:36 am

    This is amazing Cherub! So funny… and the part about Guantanamo Bay is freakin’ priceless. Fab Post xoxo

  • Reply
    Jenna
    October 13, 2015 at 8:15 am

    Oh poor Little Miss H having to put up with such terrible behaviour from mummy!! 😉

    The banana one is so Jasmine – except replace Banana with raisins – she was asking for some at 6.30 in the morning yesterday. How DARE I not give them to her?!

    xx

  • Reply
    theloveofacaptain
    October 13, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Thank you – this has made my morning. You can bet your life she actually thinks all those things, not about your dancing though of course! I too keep the door open these days, it saves all of two seconds not having to open and close it. Great post xx #TwinklyTuesday
    theloveofacaptain recently posted…Baby Shower FavoursMy Profile

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