Motherhood Pregnancy after baby loss

Pregnancy after miscarriage: Our first trimester

An image of a bright blue sky dotted with a few fluffy clouds and a rainbow with the title "Pregnancy after miscarriage: Our first trimester" _ Mrs H's favourite things

I am now 18 weeks pregnant. This is my sixth pregnancy. And it is my fourth pregnancy after miscarriage.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

An image of a bright blue sky dotted with a few fluffy clouds and a rainbow with the title "Pregnancy after miscarriage: Our first trimester" _ Mrs H's favourite things

I have been meaning to write this post for weeks. But I just haven’t been able to.

It is only now, at 18 weeks pregnant that I am beginning to relax a little and enjoy the pregnancy. Although, I know that I will not be happy until we have our baby at home.

I wish that I could say that I breezed through the first trimester. That I was ecstatic when I saw that I was pregnant and that every single day since has been joyful and exciting.

But that just hasn’t been the case.

Anyone who has gone through a pregnancy after miscarriage, will know the anxiety that it brings. After going through recurrent unexplained miscarriages, it is hard to relax for even one moment.

I felt numb when I saw the positive pregnancy test. For Mr H and I, it was just one tiny step towards our goal of becoming a family of four.

Once again we were journeying down a road that was all too familiar. A road that circled and looped but often brought us to the same destination; miscarriage.

How could this journey be any different?

And so the endless worry began and the constant questioning of everything.

  • What was that twinge?
  • Did I feel more or less sick last time?
  • Was I this tired in previous pregnancies?
  • Am I spotting?
  • Will the aspirin the consultant prescribed do any good?
  • How many more times can we go through this?
  • How many more times can I put my emotions and body and loved ones through this?
  • Why do I feel so depressed and anxious?
  • Is being this stressed and anxious bad for the baby?

These questions whirled constantly around my head. Of course, no one could give me an answer to any of them. And my anxiety grew and grew.

Then at 6 weeks we believed that I was having my fifth miscarriage and I found myself heading to A&E.

That day I had been baking with Little Miss. As I was tidying up, I became aware that I was bleeding. Heavily.

Everyone of my miscarriages has presented itself differently. I haven’t had any symptoms in common. But I knew that I had not bled like this before and I was certain that I was miscarrying.

When Mr H and I drove to the scan the next day we were already preparing ourselves for the bad news. I started sobbing as soon as I lay down on the couch for the scan. It felt all too familiar. A hideous cycle of deja vu from which there was no escape.

And then the consultant asked if we wanted to see the baby’s heartbeat.

Both Mr H and I were shocked. We couldn’t believe what we were hearing. And sure enough the scan showed a ball of cells with a little flickering heartbeat.

But this was not enough to put our minds at rest. In two of my six pregnancies, we have gone for an early scan and seen a heartbeat. Only for the baby to die a few days later. It has then taken a few weeks for my body to catch up and realise that something is wrong.

There was a real possibility this would happen again.

And so we held our breath and waited.

My midwife arranged another scan for 23rd December. At the time, we were past what the midwives termed as “our critical point”.

Both Mr H and I were in two minds about the scan. We knew that it could put our minds at ease. We also knew that there was a chance that once again we would hear the words

I am sorry but it doesn’t look good.

We would then have to face the fact that I was going to miscarry or I needed to have the miscarriage medically managed. The idea that this would happen over Christmas was hideous.

In the end, I asked my midwife to make the call. She suggested that we have the scan.

The scan was late in the afternoon. During the day, I tried to keep myself busy. I needed to distract myself. But I felt sick with nerves.

Once again, we were blessed to see a heartbeat. The baby was growing nicely and everything looked just as it should do.

This was another huge relief but we still felt nervous.

The 12 week scan was in early January. As you all know, it went well. And we did feel reassured but I also went into physical shock.

All the pain and grief from the miscarriages hit me. I was exhausted. Shaking. Shivering and hugely depressed. I went to bed at 19.30 and in the morning I felt so much better.

The first trimester of this pregnancy has been tough.

I haven’t coped well. There have been lots of tears and endless talking. I have felt like a broken record, repeating the same worries and fears over and over again. Mr H has been wonderful. And I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband. There is no way I could cope with pregnancy after miscarriage without him.

An image of a bright blue sky dotted with a few fluffy clouds and a rainbow with the title "Pregnancy after miscarriage: Our first trimester" _ Mrs H's favourite things
If, like me, you are pregnant after a miscarriage then I have my fingers crossed for you. I hope that this pregnancy will have a happy ending. And if you ever need to chat to someone in a similar position then please message me on Facebook. I would love to hear from you.

Hugs

Lucy

xxxx

my petit canard
Running in Lavender

28 Comments

  • Reply
    Debs
    March 7, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    So much of what you have written here is how I was feeling and to a slightly lesser degree, my husband too. He was thinking more positively than me about everything. I wanted to feel as optimistic but I was so scared.

    We suffered 3 miscarriages too. We had two, then my little boy (who is now 3) then another miscarriage which was particularly traumatic as resulted in being rushed to hospital and having a blood transfusion, then in Sept 15 we were blessed with our 2nd rainbow baby boy.

    I hope after everything you have been through that you can enjoy your pregnancy. It sounds like the midwives are looking after you and arranging for extra scans. I know they helped me, even though I would be in a state before them.

    I did some hypnobirthing sessions leading up to having my second little one as my 1st labour had been a bit traumatic. They did help me and perhaps they could help you too, to relax and feel positive. Love and hugs to you and your healthy happy bump 🙂 xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 8, 2016 at 7:13 am

      Thank you so much for your absolutely lovely comment. I am sorry that you have been through a similar experience. These things stay with you for life. And your last miscarriage sounds terrible and particularly terrifying. That is not what you need. Especially when also dealing with the trauma of losing a child too. I am thrilled that you have been blessed with your second rainbow baby. And thank you for being really supportive. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Mary
    March 6, 2016 at 10:47 pm

    Whilst I have never had a miscarriage, I am 19weeks pregnant with a rainbow baby too…our last ended with stillbirth, so I can relate to many of your behaviours and feelings and anxieties. I have exhibited them too and worried this would end too. I fear the 20week scan and hope this is going to be a success! I am sorry for your losses, for the pain and grief you have experienced and the anxiety of never knowing. All the best in this pregnancy…keeping everything crossed x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 6, 2016 at 11:24 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment. You sound so strong. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a baby like that. You are bound to feel so many contradictory emotions in this pregnancy. But that is only natural. Everything you are feeling is natural. Like me, you won’t relax fully until that baby is in your arms. Pregnancy is such a miraculous business. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you too. Remember that each pregnancy and baby is different. I really hope that we both get to have lots of cuddles with our rainbow babies in the summer. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jess Soothill
    February 28, 2016 at 7:26 am

    Oh Lucy I am SO happy that you’re pregnant – am over the moon for you after everything you went through. Must have been so stressful and upsetting and taken its toll. Take care and keep well rested and I cannot wait to soon meet your precious baby xx

    #sundaystars

  • Reply
    My Petit Canard
    February 28, 2016 at 2:54 am

    Oh lovely, I am so sorry to hear how difficult the first trimester has been for you. How much anxiety and worry you have had and have been carrying with you throughout it. I cant even begin to imagine what that must be like or how it must feel. As you know I spent all of our first trimester anxious and convinced that something would be or would go wrong, and I havent even been through the awful experiences you have, so I can only imagine what you are going through. Hopefully you can start to take some comfort in each of the milestones that you have passed. I’m sure what you are feeling others have felt or are feeling too, its a difficult journey, but you are doing so well, so try to be kind to yourself. Emily x #MarvMondays.

  • Reply
    Vickie
    February 27, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    I am over the moon that everything is going well for you! I know that you won’t relax until little one is here though. I was the same when I was pregnant with Bubs after having had three previous miscarriages. Like yours my husband was very supportive and it really makes all the difference. Vx

  • Reply
    Sarah Christie
    February 25, 2016 at 8:02 am

    So glad you are able to relax a little Lucy, I have never been through it so cant comprehend what you are going through all that you have been through, x

  • Reply
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome
    February 23, 2016 at 2:52 pm

    Ah Lucy, this is going to be such an emotional journey for you. It must be hard to relax and enjoy it after going through everything you have been through. I am just so happy that you are at 18 weeks, I hope so much that everything goes smoothly and that little baby keeps on growing strong xxx

  • Reply
    Kate+
    February 23, 2016 at 2:06 pm

    Oh bless you, I can’t imagine how stressful it must be. But so pleased to read that things are going well for you. Wishing you a wonderful, healthy pregnancy x

  • Reply
    Adrian
    February 23, 2016 at 1:24 pm

    Very glad to hear that all is well. I don’t think Mrs B relaxed at all first time around. And this time we’ve only got through it because we’re so distracted by our toddler and house renovation. It doesn’t help when every check up seems to involve some new concern or extra appointment. I think we’ll just be glad when it’s done and our family is complete. Stay strong x

  • Reply
    Lori
    February 22, 2016 at 9:37 pm

    Oh lovely! I’m so happy for you that you’ve got this far along. I know how awful it can be after 3 miscarriages in a row and one which ended at 15 weeks with me having to birth teh baby in hospital. The grief is so overwhelming and comes when you least expect it. Sending lots of light for a happy pregnancy and bundle of joy. x

  • Reply
    Cardiff Mummy Says - Cathryn
    February 22, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    I had tears in my eyes reading this as I too found being pregnant after a miscarriage a real roller coaster of emotions. I really admire you for sharing your feelings so openly on your blog because it is not always talked about – I’ve written about mine in the hope of raising awareness and letting other women/couples know they are not alone. My very first pregnancy ended in miscarriage – it was a missed miscarriage at our 12 week scan but our baby had died four weeks earlier and I had no idea anything was wrong. It was devastating. When I got pregnant, even though that was all I wanted, I completely freaked out because I was so worried it may happen again. We actually paid for private early scans with all three of our children because I couldn’t cope with the thought of something happening and not knowing again for a few weeks. I was constantly worried through all my pregnancies that something was wrong – I had bleeding with my second baby. All was well but I was so scared. Yoga really helped me. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy. xx

  • Reply
    The London Mum
    February 22, 2016 at 9:26 pm

    Having a baby without having miscarriages is an anxious enough time. Having to carry a baby after going through so much trauma must be an indescribable anxious time, but one you’re handling really well and bravely. Congratulations!

  • Reply
    Silly Mummy
    February 22, 2016 at 9:04 pm

    It must be a terrifying time. I had an ectopic pregnancy prior to my daughters, which is believed to have been due to scar tissue from a ruptured appendix, so I was considered to be at high risk that it could happen again. So I did have early scans and anxiety about whether everything would be okay. But I can still only imagine a fraction of your experience, because at least with that it is resolved fairly early on – by 7 or 8 weeks they can conclusively locate the pregnancy in the sack or not & then you know, it isn’t there hanging over you for months, or even the whole pregnancy. I’m so glad everything is going well with your pregnancy, and sorry that it is so hard for you – all the best wishes in the world for the healthy arrival of your new little one. #Sundaystars

  • Reply
    Julia @ Rainbeaubelle
    February 22, 2016 at 8:45 pm

    I am just so happy for you that you didn’t hear those words again Lucy, keep strong baby H! I know it has been hard for you, but baby is strong and will be here before you know it xxx

  • Reply
    Natalie Streets | DiaryofUEM
    February 22, 2016 at 5:36 pm

    I can’t imagine what you are going through and have been through. We were very lucky and Oliver was a completely unplanned surprise that (almost) went by without a hitch. I was very anxious though, having known quite a few people who had been in a similar position to you. I was really worried that I somehow didn’t deserve it so it would be taken from me. Which is silly. I’m glad everything is going well for you, and I hope the next 20 or so weeks fly by so that you can finally relax with your baby. xx
    Natalie Streets | DiaryofUEM recently posted…Friday Phone DumpMy Profile

  • Reply
    Heledd - Running in Lavender
    February 22, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    I have no words to describe how happy I am for you and your family Lucy. I know so well how much you’ve waited and wanted this second baby. This is such a beautiful and insightful post about a difficult subject. Thank you so much for linking up to #SundayStars xx

  • Reply
    Mellissa Williams
    February 22, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    Every step must be so scary for you, but every step is one step closer to hopefully seeing your baby. Sending much love
    Mellissa Williams recently posted…Bluestone Wales Thermal Spa BreakMy Profile

  • Reply
    Crummy Mummy
    February 22, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Fingers and toes crossed for you! I had two miscarriages in a row before Little B and his pregnancy was the longest nine months of my life. As soon as he was born it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Of course all the worry about the pregnancy was soon replaced by anxiety about this and that (co-sleeping, feeding, etc) but I guess that’s just what being a mum is about! #marvmondays

  • Reply
    Life as Mum
    February 22, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Lovely to read this post! I really hope everything goes well and I have verything crossed for you lovely. I am also 18 weeks (today) 🙂

  • Reply
    Jess
    February 22, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Gosh I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like, firstly losing a baby but then the whole worry of losing another! You are so amazing, sharing your story will no doubt help others and bring you lots of support and reassurance! I wish you the healthiest pregnancy and love 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    Emily Harvey
    February 22, 2016 at 11:49 am

    Thank you for sharing your story, I can’t imagine the worry you must be feeling, I had bleeding with my first daughter throughout the whole of my pregnancy it was such a worrying time, I had convinced myself I was having a miscarriage, she’s now a healthy 7 year old! Sending you lots of positive thoughts and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well xx

  • Reply
    Rebecca | AAUBlog
    February 22, 2016 at 10:41 am

    I can’t even to begin to image. The stress and anxiety you would feel any at twinge in the first trimester must be unbearable. Thanks for sharing x

  • Reply
    Eimear
    February 22, 2016 at 10:13 am

    Lovely to hear your story, gives me so much hope and positivity after 2 miscarriages now. You’re doing great and I know exatly what you went through for the first number of weeks xx

  • Reply
    Beth @ Twinderelmo
    February 22, 2016 at 9:52 am

    Much love darling. I wish I could fast forward to when you have baby safely in your arms. But here’s to a smooth 22 weeks and baby cooking nicely
    Xxxxxx

  • Reply
    Mummy Lala (Laura)
    February 22, 2016 at 9:40 am

    I’m so happy it’s all going so well for you, that’s lovely news and I was secretly hoping you’d post an update. How are you feeling about your 20 week scan?

    As you know we had our miscarriage a few days before Christmas and I’m absolutely terrified that it’ll happen again if we’re lucky to get pregnant again. I’m also terrified that i’ll never be able to have another baby – ever the pessimist! I’m sure those are all fears people go through in a similar situation. I’m very nervous about what the future holds.

    I spotted your bump picture on Instagram the other day and you looked lovely ☺️

    Laura x

  • Reply
    Carrie
    February 22, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Thank you for sharing your story! I have been through the same and completely understand those worries and anxieties! Sending all my happy thoughts to you and your growing little one!

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