Recurrent miscarriage

An open letter to the woman who has just miscarried

A photograph of a park with a boating lake and lots of dappled sunshine and winter sun glares - An open letter to a woman who has just miscarried - Mrs H's favourite things

Dear friend

It is traditional in these circumstances to say I am sorry for your loss.

But those words seem empty and insulting. They imply that you have been careless and misplaced something valuable… a wallet, your keys, your phone.

Those words don’t convey that your world has come crashing down.

They don’t show that your heart is splintering into pieces.

They don’t speak of the shattering sobs that run through your whole body late at night.

They don’t tell of the emptiness that often manifests as a physical pain in your belly and in your heart.

Right now you feel numb. Scared. Confused. Angry.

One day you were pregnant and the next day you weren’t.

All the dreams and hopes that you had for that baby and for your family were broken. Destroyed.

It is a bitter pill to swallow.

And my heart breaks for you.

As my heart has broken for the four babies that I have lost.

I know that you feel lonely and isolated. Alone in your grief and pain.

I know that you wish to go to sleep, to wake up and to find that it has all been a horrible dream.

I know that you blame yourself for the death of your baby. You wonder if there is something that you could have done to prevent the miscarriage. And you feel a failure.

I know that you worry that this miscarriage will affect your relationship. You fear that the grief will drive a wedge between you.

I know that you dread one of your friends announcing their pregnancy. And you hate yourself for this.

I know that you are terrified of trying again. The fear of another miscarriage is too great.

I know that you wonder if you will ever smile again.

I know all of this from personal experience.

I also know that you are strong.

This tragic experience did not destroy me and it won’t destroy you.

I can’t tell you that everything will be fine. I do not have a crystal ball and I don’t know what the future holds.

In fact, I can’t claim that I am okay. Because I’m not. There is a deep sadness. A grief that lingers.

But one day it will be easier to remember.

And I know that your heart will not always be broken.

It will mend.

Gradually.

Day by day.

Piece by piece.

Hugs

Lucy

xxxx

 

I have written this post in support of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2016 (9th to 15th October 2016).

“The charities leading Baby Loss Awareness Week provide support to anyone affected by pregnancy loss and the death of a baby, and work with health professionals and services to improve care. Together we are committed to raising awareness of pregnancy and baby loss which affects up to one in five families in the UK.”

I will also be joining in with the Global Wave of Light on October 15th at 7pm.

 

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20 Comments

  • Reply
    Bella
    March 4, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    I’m feeling all of this right now for the 6th time… heart is truly broken . Xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 5, 2017 at 12:21 am

      Oh my darling, I can’t bear to think of you going through all this. I wish so much that I could give you a massive hug. I am ALWAYS here for you when ever you need to chat. Sending you so much love Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Laura McGowan
    January 3, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    I found out my niece miscarried twins just before Christmas. She barely said a thing to anyone. Knowing she was alone in her grief nearly killed me.

    Hugs, thanks for the lovely post, will send it to her.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 3, 2017 at 7:37 pm

      Oh my gosh, your poor niece. She probably didn’t want to say anything because she was worried that she would spoil Christmas. I hope that this letter helps her. If she ever needs to chat then she can email me. Hugs to you and your niece Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    luce
    November 26, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Your kindness and thought will speak to many people out there, sending hugs x

  • Reply
    Steph Oakes
    November 22, 2016 at 11:05 am

    What a beautiful, heartfelt post. I’m sure this will help many ladies going through it x

  • Reply
    Naomi
    November 20, 2016 at 1:17 am

    Such a beautiful piece… and something that resonates with me. I have two angels and two rainbow, and it’s still raw – but you do heal. This is well written, and a much needed eye opener for some I’d imagine!

  • Reply
    Rachel Kowalski
    October 22, 2016 at 7:33 am

    Oh gosh, this had me in tears. So beautifully written hun. My heart breaks too for all us mummys that have had to suffer loss. Hugs xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 3, 2016 at 2:10 pm

      I am so sorry that I made you cry lovely. But I think the feelings I have mentioned here are emotions that so many/ too many of us have felt. I really want this series to give others hope. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Fritha Strickland
    October 18, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    Lots of love, I’ve only had one miscarriage but I think it never leaves you does it x

  • Reply
    Janine Dolan
    October 15, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    Miscarriages are not easy. And you don’t really know how to deal with them or how to react when someone you know had one. I had one myself but it was at a very very early stage so I was kind of okay but yet it was still disheartened. x
    Janine Dolan recently posted…A Day in a Parenting Blogger’s Life – Mum AmieMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kate / Pouting In Heels
    October 14, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Beautiful, heartfelt post Lucy that I’m sure will hope so many. Thank you so much for including a link to my post too. Very very kind of you. X

  • Reply
    Stephanie Moore
    October 13, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    What a lovely letter, it is just so sad that anyone has to go through it.

  • Reply
    Chloe Ciliberto
    October 13, 2016 at 7:36 pm

    Lucy, this is such a moving and open post. You are going to help so many others that are going through this right now or who have been through this. It’s so hard to know what to say to someone when they’ve lost something so precious. I’m sorry for your loss or saying anything else, really is so empty. I am sending so many hugs. xx

  • Reply
    Laura
    October 13, 2016 at 6:28 am

    A beautiful post, miscarriage is so awful and you’ve captured it well here. I’m so sorry for your losses xxx
    Laura recently posted…What Nobody Tells You About MiscarriageMy Profile

  • Reply
    The London Mum
    October 12, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Such an important letter. Miscarriage is so “common” but so rarely talked about. The number of women who must suffer these exact thoughts are plentiful which is heartbreaking. It’s such a personal journey that it’s hard to be the right kind support unless you’ve been through it yourself.

  • Reply
    Joanna
    October 12, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    It must be so hard to go through this. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage but I’m glad that people are making awareness of it as its a lot more common than people realise.

  • Reply
    Jo Wiggins
    October 12, 2016 at 11:25 am

    A beautiful and touching letter Lucy. Sending love xxx

  • Reply
    Tanita
    October 12, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Such a heartwarming post Lucy. Miscarrying a few times myself I know the pain of loosing a pregnancy. It is a long grieving process, that I found 4-5 years later still affected me. I feel in a good place now and have put the pain and grief behind me. I know this lovely letter will help woman in similar situations. You have such a kind heart lovely. xx

  • Reply
    Tara
    October 12, 2016 at 7:31 am

    Beautiful post. I have no doubt this will bring comfort to those who need it. Sending hugs to you too.

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