Recurrent miscarriage

An open letter to the woman who has just miscarried

A photograph of a park with a boating lake and lots of dappled sunshine and winter sun glares - An open letter to a woman who has just miscarried - Mrs H's favourite things

Dear friend

It is traditional in these circumstances to say I am sorry for your loss.

But those words seem empty and insulting. They imply that you have been careless and misplaced something valuable… a wallet, your keys, your phone.

Those words don’t convey that your world has come crashing down.

They don’t show that your heart is splintering into pieces.

They don’t speak of the shattering sobs that run through your whole body late at night.

They don’t tell of the emptiness that often manifests as a physical pain in your belly and in your heart.

Right now you feel numb. Scared. Confused. Angry.

One day you were pregnant and the next day you weren’t.

All the dreams and hopes that you had for that baby and for your family were broken. Destroyed.

It is a bitter pill to swallow.

And my heart breaks for you.

As my heart has broken for the four babies that I have lost.

I know that you feel lonely and isolated. Alone in your grief and pain.

I know that you wish to go to sleep, to wake up and to find that it has all been a horrible dream.

I know that you blame yourself for the death of your baby. You wonder if there is something that you could have done to prevent the miscarriage. And you feel a failure.

I know that you worry that this miscarriage will affect your relationship. You fear that the grief will drive a wedge between you.

I know that you dread one of your friends announcing their pregnancy. And you hate yourself for this.

I know that you are terrified of trying again. The fear of another miscarriage is too great.

I know that you wonder if you will ever smile again.

I know all of this from personal experience.

I also know that you are strong.

This tragic experience did not destroy me and it won’t destroy you.

I can’t tell you that everything will be fine. I do not have a crystal ball and I don’t know what the future holds.

In fact, I can’t claim that I am okay. Because I’m not. There is a deep sadness. A grief that lingers.

But one day it will be easier to remember.

And I know that your heart will not always be broken.

It will mend.


Day by day.

Piece by piece.





I have written this post in support of Baby Loss Awareness Week 2016 (9th to 15th October 2016).

“The charities leading Baby Loss Awareness Week provide support to anyone affected by pregnancy loss and the death of a baby, and work with health professionals and services to improve care. Together we are committed to raising awareness of pregnancy and baby loss which affects up to one in five families in the UK.”

I will also be joining in with the Global Wave of Light on October 15th at 7pm.


BabyLossAwareness_web_banner_1000x370 v7



  • Reply
    March 13, 2018 at 4:24 am

    I really needed to read this tonight. I do not have a uterus, but our surrogate was pregnant with my husband and my genetic child. It took 4.5 years and you don’t even want to know how many appointment dollars to get to the point of expecting a baby. We were due at the end of October.
    She miscarried last week and it is unlikely she will be willing to try again.
    I am smothering under grief for our lost baby, and also in the pain that we may never get another chance.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 13, 2018 at 8:26 pm

      Oh Kendra, I have no words. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could give you a hug. Instead I’m sending you lots of virtual love and hugs, Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    January 5, 2018 at 5:39 am

    Lucy thanks for the post… i was 6 weeks pregnant and i have just had a miscarriage.. going through unbearable pain..

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 5, 2018 at 9:00 am

      Oh Rose, I’m so sorry to hear this. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take your pain away. But that isn’t possible. My only advice is to be kind to yourself. Let yourself be and allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. You need to grieve and that can be a long process. I’m here if ever you need a chat. Please don’t feel isolated in your pain. Lots of love and virtual hugs Lucy xxxx

    • Reply
      January 18, 2018 at 9:50 pm

      I am in the same place. I was six weeks and then miscarried right before Christmas. My heart is broken. I’ve read this letter a few times to remind me that I am not alone. And that it’s okay to feel the way I feel. I am sorry you’ve had to experience this.

  • Reply
    October 30, 2017 at 11:04 pm

    I feel as though my experience is a little different, you see I knew I was pregnant despite being on birth control, despite getting two negative pregnancy tests, I knew, my breast were extremely tender for a few weeks, I was nauseous, I ate an entire loaf of bread in one sitting, I was exhausted all the time, and my emotions were all over the place, my husband even noticed my skin was looking so good, I knew. But because of that negative tests, it made me doubt myself, my inner awareness. The day I went to buy a pregnancy test I also picked up a little cake, some organic energy drinks for my husband (partly as a joke because of the potential all-nights with a baby.) because while we both want kids we had decided to wait, we just got married and wanted to travel first. So letting my hubby know I was pregnant was something I wanted to do with care. But when the test came back negative, I felt so sad and silly, like it was all in my head, I told my husband what had happened and he let me cry and I had put this the whole thing to bed. Then a couple days later I got a terrible pain in my lower abdomen, which lasted two days, the same feeling I get when I have dairy. Then came what I thought to be a period, (mind you I haven’t had one I a couple months, but this was normal with my birth control) a few days later, I started to had some very unusual and large clumps in my blood. Yesterday I started to put together the dots, my breasts didn’t hurt anymore, unusual tissue in my blood, crazy tummy pain, and server mood swings, I am in the middle of a miscarriage. Once I said all my symptoms out loud to my husband, I knew. Thank god, for my loving husband, because he cried with me and promised, that we will have a family. Right now, I’m still processing, I feel a bit numb. I was about 6 weeks pregnant. And honestly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. . .

  • Reply
    October 9, 2017 at 12:57 pm

    Too beautiful. I can hardly type through the teats in my eyes. But thankyou Sending huge hugs your way

  • Reply
    The Muddled Mum
    October 6, 2017 at 7:03 pm

    This is a beautiful post that sums up how confusing and painful miscarriage is

  • Reply
    September 4, 2017 at 10:34 am

    Too beautiful. I can hardly type through the teats in my eyes. But thankyou Sending huge hugs your way xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 5, 2017 at 8:55 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment. I hope that this letter helped in some way. And sending huge hugs back to you. Love Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    August 25, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    Thank you for these words. May your family be blessed.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 26, 2017 at 7:32 pm

      Thank you so much. Sending you lots of love. Hugs xxxx

  • Reply
    August 22, 2017 at 4:54 pm

    This is an absolutely beautiful post. Its been 48 hrs since I myself had a miscarriage and D&C. It’s hard for someone hasn’t had a miscarriage to understand what I am going through physically and emotionally and what other women have and are going through. I am glad to see awareness. Thank you! Reading this lets me know that I am not alone.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      August 22, 2017 at 8:39 pm

      Oh April, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a massive hug. It is hard for anyone who hasn’t experienced what you’re going through. They will not understand the heartbreak. The only advice I can give is for you to be kind to yourself. You will feel a lot of different emotions. They are all normal. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Take care of yourself. And I’m sending you so much love. Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Bec Bowyer
    March 28, 2017 at 5:44 am

    This is such a beautiful post.

  • Reply
    March 4, 2017 at 10:46 pm

    I’m feeling all of this right now for the 6th time… heart is truly broken . Xxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 5, 2017 at 12:21 am

      Oh my darling, I can’t bear to think of you going through all this. I wish so much that I could give you a massive hug. I am ALWAYS here for you when ever you need to chat. Sending you so much love Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Laura McGowan
    January 3, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    I found out my niece miscarried twins just before Christmas. She barely said a thing to anyone. Knowing she was alone in her grief nearly killed me.

    Hugs, thanks for the lovely post, will send it to her.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 3, 2017 at 7:37 pm

      Oh my gosh, your poor niece. She probably didn’t want to say anything because she was worried that she would spoil Christmas. I hope that this letter helps her. If she ever needs to chat then she can email me. Hugs to you and your niece Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    November 26, 2016 at 1:12 pm

    Your kindness and thought will speak to many people out there, sending hugs x

  • Reply
    Steph Oakes
    November 22, 2016 at 11:05 am

    What a beautiful, heartfelt post. I’m sure this will help many ladies going through it x

  • Reply
    November 20, 2016 at 1:17 am

    Such a beautiful piece… and something that resonates with me. I have two angels and two rainbow, and it’s still raw – but you do heal. This is well written, and a much needed eye opener for some I’d imagine!

  • Reply
    Rachel Kowalski
    October 22, 2016 at 7:33 am

    Oh gosh, this had me in tears. So beautifully written hun. My heart breaks too for all us mummys that have had to suffer loss. Hugs xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      November 3, 2016 at 2:10 pm

      I am so sorry that I made you cry lovely. But I think the feelings I have mentioned here are emotions that so many/ too many of us have felt. I really want this series to give others hope. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Fritha Strickland
    October 18, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    Lots of love, I’ve only had one miscarriage but I think it never leaves you does it x

  • Reply
    Janine Dolan
    October 15, 2016 at 7:26 pm

    Miscarriages are not easy. And you don’t really know how to deal with them or how to react when someone you know had one. I had one myself but it was at a very very early stage so I was kind of okay but yet it was still disheartened. x
    Janine Dolan recently posted…A Day in a Parenting Blogger’s Life – Mum AmieMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kate / Pouting In Heels
    October 14, 2016 at 9:32 am

    Beautiful, heartfelt post Lucy that I’m sure will hope so many. Thank you so much for including a link to my post too. Very very kind of you. X

  • Reply
    Stephanie Moore
    October 13, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    What a lovely letter, it is just so sad that anyone has to go through it.

  • Reply
    Chloe Ciliberto
    October 13, 2016 at 7:36 pm

    Lucy, this is such a moving and open post. You are going to help so many others that are going through this right now or who have been through this. It’s so hard to know what to say to someone when they’ve lost something so precious. I’m sorry for your loss or saying anything else, really is so empty. I am sending so many hugs. xx

  • Reply
    October 13, 2016 at 6:28 am

    A beautiful post, miscarriage is so awful and you’ve captured it well here. I’m so sorry for your losses xxx
    Laura recently posted…What Nobody Tells You About MiscarriageMy Profile

  • Reply
    The London Mum
    October 12, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Such an important letter. Miscarriage is so “common” but so rarely talked about. The number of women who must suffer these exact thoughts are plentiful which is heartbreaking. It’s such a personal journey that it’s hard to be the right kind support unless you’ve been through it yourself.

  • Reply
    October 12, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    It must be so hard to go through this. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage but I’m glad that people are making awareness of it as its a lot more common than people realise.

  • Reply
    Jo Wiggins
    October 12, 2016 at 11:25 am

    A beautiful and touching letter Lucy. Sending love xxx

  • Reply
    October 12, 2016 at 9:41 am

    Such a heartwarming post Lucy. Miscarrying a few times myself I know the pain of loosing a pregnancy. It is a long grieving process, that I found 4-5 years later still affected me. I feel in a good place now and have put the pain and grief behind me. I know this lovely letter will help woman in similar situations. You have such a kind heart lovely. xx

  • Reply
    October 12, 2016 at 7:31 am

    Beautiful post. I have no doubt this will bring comfort to those who need it. Sending hugs to you too.

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