Motherhood Recurrent miscarriage

An open letter to our first baby

A sepia tinted photograph of a young baby's feet and toes - A open letter to our first baby - Mrs H's favourite things

Dear Baby,

Today could have been your 4th birthday.

Today your Daddy and I could have been singing happy birthday to you. We could have watched you open your presents. Seen you smile as you blew out the candles on your cake.

We could have taken you to see the animals at London Zoo. Maybe you would have asked to take one of your new toys with you.

Perhaps you would have asked for an Octonaut party. Or you may have asked for a Princess party like your Sister.

We will never know. And we will never know you. Like three of your Brothers and Sisters you left our lives too soon. You left us before we got to meet you.

I think of you as our first son. I don’t know why.

We never got to know for sure.

When I saw you on the scan you were a ball of cells. A ball of cells without a heartbeat.

The Consultant didn’t even give you the name baby. To him you were a medical term. Clinical. Cold.

“The retained products of conception.”

But to us, you were more than that. So much more than that.

You were our first baby. You were dreams and hopes and wishes.

When I saw the words pregnant on the test I smiled.

Your test was the first. And sadly it was the only test that bought me joy. The other tests always brought me a sense of anxiety. Numbness.

But finding out I was pregnant with you was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I remember carrying the test in to the bedroom to show your Daddy. A huge smile on my face.

I hugged my belly and fell in love.

I fell in love with the idea of you. Our baby. Our first baby.

And you were due on 14th January, 2013.

Sadly we lost you in July 2012. I was 11 weeks pregnant. But you had gone from our lives at 6 weeks.

Yet my body didn’t want to give you up. It wanted to hold on to you. Just as I wanted to hold on to you.

I gave birth to you in the local Delivery Suite. In a private room.

It was not the Delivery Suite experience we had wanted.

We left the next day, empty handed.

We did not get to take you home.

But, dear Baby, today could have been your birthday. And in my mind, today IS your birthday.

I love you Baby.

Mummy loves you.

And I miss you.

I know we are blessed to have your Sister and your Brother. They are our rainbows. They are our miracles.

But you were our first baby. You will always be our first baby.

Lots of love

Your Mummy

xxxx

My Petit Canard
Mummy Times Two

Mummascribbles

28 Comments

  • Reply
    RawMum
    May 6, 2017 at 9:31 pm

    Yes. Exactly how I feel. We went to say goodbye to our first baby today. A very sad day.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      May 7, 2017 at 4:16 pm

      Oh lovely. I can’t imagine how hard that was. Be kind to yourself and stay strong. Rainbows can appear after even the darkest storm. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Topfivemum
    April 11, 2017 at 5:33 am

    I know your loss and feel your heartache. Happy birthday to your first baby. Read this and shed a few tears. Sending you love xx

  • Reply
    Kelly
    March 26, 2017 at 10:26 am

    Reading this post made my eyes fill with tears. Sending love and hugs.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 26, 2017 at 10:12 pm

      Oh, sorry to have brought tears to my eyes. But thank you for your lovely comment. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jerry
    March 2, 2017 at 5:44 am

    My heart goes out to you…much love and my condolences

  • Reply
    Steph Oakes
    February 1, 2017 at 9:37 am

    Ah, sending love. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. What a gorgeous letter to your first baby. x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      February 1, 2017 at 11:26 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment. I know how lucky I am to have two beautiful children. But I will never forget the four babies that I never got to meet. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jodie
    January 25, 2017 at 9:24 am

    This is so lovely and has hit my heart pretty hard. In a couple of weeks my middle daughter turns 4.
    Jodie recently posted…Kidney Disease & My FamilyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Laurie S
    January 24, 2017 at 7:30 pm

    This was so beautiful and so sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the loss you have felt. Sending lots of hugs your way xx

  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    January 23, 2017 at 9:50 pm

    This is beautiful. I can’t imagine the feelings you must have inside. Sending you lots of love. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

  • Reply
    Caro | The Twinkle Diaries
    January 23, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    Aah I feel the same Luce. I will always, always remember our first two babies. I think the first was definitely a girl — not 100% sure about the second. Crazy to think that I would have had a 7 and a half year old now. And the 2nd would have been due during the Olympics. But hey. All things happen for a reason don’t they?

    And I may not have the bright and beautiful pair that I have now, had their siblings arrived first. Lots of love to you chickie xxxx
    Caro | The Twinkle Diaries recently posted…202 weeks and 1 day | {Siblings January}My Profile

  • Reply
    Becci Davis
    January 22, 2017 at 10:32 pm

    I’m so sorry : ( It’s such a hard subject to comment on when you haven’t walked in that person’s shoes. I am so glad you have your rainbow babies and though this does not make up for anything it is a blessing #Postsfromtheheart

  • Reply
    JESS | mummy of boy girl twins
    January 22, 2017 at 3:49 pm

    Really brave of you and very heartfelt. Sending hugs xx
    JESS | mummy of boy girl twins recently posted…Fashion brands: Mint Velvet & French ConnectionMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sinead (shinnersandthebrood.com)
    January 20, 2017 at 12:37 pm

    Oh goodness! I’m not quite sure how you managed to write that. Well done to you! I’ve been there. It’s so hard. What a lovely way to honour your baby’s memory. Hugs to you. x #TwinklyTuesday

  • Reply
    RachelSwirl
    January 19, 2017 at 4:19 pm

    I have been where you are now and my heart goes out to you x

  • Reply
    Tanita
    January 18, 2017 at 1:16 pm

    Sending you big Hugs lovely. You are an amazing mummy. Such a Special letter. Xx
    Tanita recently posted…5th Year Wedding Anniversary | With Gift GuideMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 18, 2017 at 9:26 pm

      Thank you beautiful. That means a lot to me. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Cass Bailey
    January 18, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    What a moving post, I’ve never been through this but I can only imagine the heartbreak you’ve been through x x

  • Reply
    Janine Dolan
    January 17, 2017 at 10:10 am

    It must be hard. I miscarried at 5 weeks. It is a terrible thing because that was supposed to be our first baby. But I was over it pretty quickly because 5 weeks was still very very early. Sending hugs your way. xx
    Janine Dolan recently posted…Living Arrows 3/52 Mini GolfMy Profile

  • Reply
    Rebecca | AAUBlog
    January 17, 2017 at 9:34 am

    this is such a lovely post to document. sending hugs x
    Rebecca | AAUBlog recently posted…Spring Wedding Style with Quiz ClothingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Sarah Cantwell
    January 16, 2017 at 11:17 pm

    Oh I find this so so sad. Thinking of you. 8 have had two miscarriages now and I can’t bear to think of them as babies because I find it so upsetting. It’s so funny how we deal with things differently x
    Sarah Cantwell recently posted…Grocery Haul and Meal Plan – 16 Jan 2017My Profile

  • Reply
    Collette @ family life and me
    January 16, 2017 at 8:28 pm

    I literally have no words. I can’t ever imagine it gets easier. Sending big hugs xxx

  • Reply
    Sarah Howe
    January 16, 2017 at 5:33 pm

    So sorry lovely. It must be bittersweet thinking of this with your gorgeous rainbow babies with you. I can’t imagine how it must feel to not have met him. Sending lots of hugs xx #marvmondays

  • Reply
    Kim Carberry
    January 14, 2017 at 7:07 pm

    Sending love and hugs xxx
    Kim Carberry recently posted…A photo everyday for a year! #Project365 – Week 2My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 15, 2017 at 12:41 am

      Thank you so much Kim. I am very lucky to have two beautiful children. But I still mourn the babies I didn’t get to meet. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jo (Momma Boss)
    January 14, 2017 at 9:47 am

    I completely understand you on this! I read a quote somewhere something like “a mother will always know exactly how old her baby would be now”. Some people think it gets easier or goes away with rainbow babies but they are never forgotten! My little Stevie would be one at the end of the month. I hate it when people think I’m “alright now” because of Ted! I just think I couldve still had Ted and Stevie! 3 kids under 3!

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      January 15, 2017 at 12:44 am

      Thanks for your comment lovely. Sending big hugs to you. Yep, I’ve had so many people think that everything is alright now we have Little Mister H. And I am so thankful to have him in our lives. But now the uncertainty is over I just feel grief. Grief for the babies I never got to meet. This was my first baby. And although I became pregnant with Little Miss two months after saying goodbye to him (I always think of him as a boy) I still think of him. Hugs Lucy xxxx

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