Family Recurrent miscarriage

Now the miscarriages are over

A photograph of a woman walking with her baby in a carrier. She is hugging him and walking through some gardens and by lush green trees - this is the featured image for a post entitled Once The Miscarriages are Over - Once The Miscarriages are Over - Mrs H's favourite things

Trigger warning: you may find this post upsetting if you have experienced miscarriages.

In a little over a week our rainbow baby boy will turn one. That is a whole year of having his sunny presence in our lives. And a year of knowing that the miscarriages are far behind us. 

My last miscarriage was in May 2015. And in September 2015 we were given the news that the miscarriages were unexplained. That there wasn’t a known reason for our baby loss.

Then in November 2015, we began our journey to complete our family.

November is always a tough month for me. Lots of memories and loads of sadness.

At the beginning of November 2015, my Mum mentioned that something wonderful might happen that November. And she was right. Because it was only a few weeks later that I found out I was expecting Little Mister H. But I couldn’t see the pregnancy ending well and I didn’t believe that our heartbreak was behind us.

I was anxious throughout my pregnancy. I was plagued by thoughts of the pregnancy going wrong. And when at 7 weeks pregnant I had a heavy bleed, I was convinced I was having my fifth miscarriage. And without it ever being spoken, Mr H and I knew that, whatever happened, this sixth pregnancy would be my last. I couldn’t keep putting my mental health at risk by having miscarriage after miscarriage.

Thankfully the baby was fine. And at 21:05 on Sunday 10th July 2016, Little Mister H entered our lives. And completed our family.

A photograph of a mother holding her newborn baby after just giving birth to him a few moments before. Once the Miscarriages are over. Mrs H's favourite things.

I remember lifting him out of the water and looking at him. Tears stung my eyes. He was beautiful. He was worth all the heartache and pain. I held him to me and never wanted to let him go.

At that point, a weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt peace. The anxiety disappeared. All the fear and uncertainty of the recurrent miscarriages was no more. That time was behind us.

Then a few days later, Mr H brought Little Miss into hospital to meet her brother for the first time and my heart almost burst. I never realised I could love two little people so much.

A photograph of a little girl meeting her newborn baby brother for the first time. Once the Miscarriages are over. Mrs H's favourite things

And with our family complete I thought that the miscarriages were in my past.

But I was wrong.

I know society expects me to be completely over the miscarriages now. I have my longed for family and I should just move on with my life.

And in many ways that’s true. I am overwhelmingly blessed to have a beautiful family that I adore. It was a fight to get here. But it was worth it.

But still I can’t forget the pain and heartbreak that we went through to have our daughter and our son. And I feel scared to say that out loud. Scared and guilty.

I feel guilty that I have my rainbow babies and I know many people who aren’t so lucky. And my heart breaks every time I hear of someone who has lost a baby. Because I know their pain. I understand their sorrow. And it is cruel.

I had a psychiatric assessment five days after Little Mister H was born. The anxiety of the pregnancy and the stress of the miscarriages had left my mental health in a vulnerable state.

During that assessment, I had to speak at length about some of the worse times in my life. Times that I choose to forget.

Putting those experiences into words was painful. Yet I only began to cry when I started to talk about the miscarriages. And then the flood gates opened.

At the end of that session, the psychiatrist told me that I was stronger than I knew. That I didn’t give myself enough credit. She asked me to go home and enjoy my family. But she also suggested that I see a grief counsellor.

Because the fear and uncertainty are gone and they’ve left sadness and grief. But it is a grief that I’m not supposed to talk about. And I’ve even held off from mentioning it on this blog.

Yet I am sure that there are other women who have their rainbows but are also scarred by baby loss. And I don’t want those women to feel alone in their grief.

Baby loss changes you.

I will remember the physical experiences of each of those miscarriages. All completely different. But I can tell you how each one started and each one finished. I can still remember the feeling of actually losing a baby. The drop from within. That feeling will stay with me forever.

I can still hear the midwives telling me

“I’m sorry but it doesn’t look good.”

And then talking through my options on the two occasions when I’d suffered missed miscarriages. Wait it out. Have an operation. Or have a suppository which will induce the miscarriage.

How could I make such a decision?

Instead, I wanted to scream:

“I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby. This is not what I want. This is not how this should end.”

I wanted to hear my baby’s heartbeat and see a scan of them squirming and wriggling in my belly. I yearned to know what it was like to feel their kicks from inside. God, I even wished I could experience morning sickness. Because all of those things would mean I was still pregnant. And our baby would still be growing healthy and strong in my belly.

Anything, other than the tragic truth.

And the truth is that when I walked into the hospital I was pregnant. But a mere five minutes later I exited that hospital knowing that our baby was no more.

That stays with you. How could it not?

Losing four babies also messes with my head. I know that if any of those pregnancies had been successful then I wouldn’t have Little Miss H or Little Mister H. And how could that be? How could there be any world without those two precious ones?

And I wonder how that should make me feel? Should I be glad?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Because I now have two amazing children. A little girl. And a baby boy that we thought we could never have.

But I can’t forget the babies that weren’t to be. Our four precious beans that never got a chance at life.

Despite all the joy that their sister and brother bring there is a sadness. A sadness and a sorrow that are hidden deep inside of me.

Most of the time I’m fine and I don’t think about the miscarriages. But sometimes I look at my little girl or little boy and I wonder. I wonder about our other children. That’s when the tears threaten to fall.

I will not get over my miscarriages. I don’t think that is possible. And I wouldn’t want to.

If I forgot then I would be denying my four beans existed. And I could never forget them. Mr H and I made them.

And I am and will always be their Mummy.

xxxx

Mummy Times Two
Mummascribbles

30 Comments

  • Reply
    Alana - Burnished Chaos
    July 14, 2017 at 6:43 pm

    This is so beautiful and I can completely relate to all of these feelings. It took us 9 years, 5 miscarriages and 1 ectopic to get our beautiful rainbow babies and I too know that had any of the others survived we wouldn’t have the children we have now and it does mess with your head a bit. We have a few family members who born within weeks of when two of our babies should have been born so every time their birthdays come round I find it quite hard and always wonder what they would have been like at that age. It definitely never goes away but I’ve found acknowledging that and allowing yourself to cry and grieve when you need to is very cathartic. I pushed it down and hid my pain for years only for it all to boil over, I really wish I had accepted the counselling when it was very first offered, but at the time it’s happening it’s the last thing on your mind.
    Alana – Burnished Chaos recently posted…Review of Diggerland UK – *Plus Giveaway*My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 15, 2017 at 12:36 pm

      Hi Alana. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I am so sorry that you had to go through so much heartbreak to have your beautiful children. I’m learning to accept my feelings about all the miscarriages. I had thought that once Little Mister H was born it would all be okay. But it just changes. When going through the miscarriages I was so focused on having children that in some ways the grief washes over you. Now I have my children the grief is what remains. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Nicola
    July 10, 2017 at 9:02 pm

    I lost one baby, 3 years before my daughter was born. I think I have got over it…but I will never forget. My miscarriage was on New Years Eve and every new year I look up and wish my little one a happy new year and then every year on what would have been it’s birthday I think about how old they would be and imagine what life would be like if they were here. However, I know that I lost that baby to make way for my daughter. She wouldn’t be here if that baby had survived and that, although makes me sad for my loss, also makes me thankful that I have a happy healthy little girl. It’s been 9 years but I remember it like it was yesterday. #postsfromtheheart

  • Reply
    Mama Grace
    July 10, 2017 at 6:06 pm

    I love you for this post. I have a rainbow baby and that thought when you’re pregnant of willing the pregnancy to go well is all consuming, the fear is huge. I think staying positive through this give you so much strength to tackle anything. Now you can enjoy their beautiful lives but you’re right, you will never forget the ones that didn’t make it and that’s okay. #PostsFromTheHeart

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 10, 2017 at 7:55 pm

      Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. I really hope that this post helped you. You’re right the fear is huge when your pregnant after a loss. But having your rainbow is the most amazing blessing. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Crummy Mummy
    July 10, 2017 at 1:19 pm

    I had two miscarriages between baby number one and baby number two & I remember literally feeling like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders when our ‘rainbow baby’ was born. I’m now a mum of three but will never forget my lost babies #postsfromtheheart
    Crummy Mummy recently posted…My top 5 newborn essentialsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Helen @Talking_Mums
    July 10, 2017 at 12:02 pm

    So sorry to hear all you have been through. I’ve always maintained with loss that you can’t and shouldn’t ‘get over it’, whether it’s an unborn baby or a grandparent they have been a part of your life and hold meaning. It’s ok to grieve and it’s ok to talk about it x
    #PostsFromTheHeart
    Helen @Talking_Mums recently posted…The Mixed Up Life of a SAHMMy Profile

  • Reply
    justsayingmum
    July 10, 2017 at 9:36 am

    It is just so hard to read this and even begin to imagine what you have been through. I remember when I first started blogging and I read some of your posts before you had your son. It was wonderful to read and now just incredible to think he is a year old. What a year and all the emotions for sure. Your closing line is too beautiful and very heartfelt. You are and you always will be their very special mummy xx #postsfromtheheart

  • Reply
    Someone's Mum (Danielle)
    July 10, 2017 at 7:19 am

    I am so sorry for your losses. You have a beautiful family but you should never feel you have to get over miscarriages. I had one at 10 weeks, after having seen the little bean and heartbeat on the screen and I will never forget that little flicker, or the pain when I was told the heartbeat was not there any more, or stop thinking about who that little person might have been. We should not be expected to. Big hugs. #postsfromtheheart

  • Reply
    Becci-The UnNatural Mother
    July 10, 2017 at 5:44 am

    Dont ever feel like you shouldnt enjoy your rainbow children. You have been though enough and no one would deny you enjoying your family. It’s your grief and you still need to be able to deal with it. A Greif counsellor sounds like a great idea #postsfromtheheart

  • Reply
    Mummy Times Two
    July 9, 2017 at 8:16 pm

    I can’t even imagine what you have been through. I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way to feel. I think you are allowed (and should), deal with your loss in any way you can. You are right, you are their mummy and that matters a lot. #PostsFromTheHeart

  • Reply
    Wendy
    July 6, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    Sending lots of hugs to you. I have never had a miscarriage but I wouldn’t for one minute think it is something you can just get over and forget about. You have every right to grieve and feel sad lovely x #ppstsfromtheheart

  • Reply
    Emma
    July 4, 2017 at 9:05 am

    This is such an emotive post. It must have been so difficult to write. Sending you love x

  • Reply
    Mary Kathryn Downes
    July 3, 2017 at 5:55 pm

    Mrs H.
    Reading your story, is like looking in the mirror. I to have suffered from multiple miscarriages, 4 in total.
    I had my little princess at the end of 2013, and thought my troubles were over, I’d had one I could go and have other! But I was so wrong the last 2 years have being tough. Getting the news that I had lost my babies was tough, being told 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage did not sit with me, I ask why was I that 1, did I do something wrong!! No answers were given.
    Late last year we decided to have one last try, because like you I was worried for my mental health. November of last year I took the test, it was positive. I think I heald my breath for the 1st three months, getting pass the markers where other pregnancies have ended.
    I now have 6 weeks to go, and I swear I’m still holding my breath, will my rainbow baby arrive to into the world safe. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my babies, I know someday I’ll get to see and hold them. Until then I’m going to enjoy my princess and my rainbow.

    Thank you for sharing and I wish you lots of love and happiness x x x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 3, 2017 at 6:36 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced similar heartbreak. It’s tough not knowing why you’re miscarrying. You do automatically blame yourself. But I’m so thrilled to hear that you’ve got six weeks to go until you meet your rainbow. Be kind to yourself over the next 6 weeks. You will feel anxious. But soon you’ll get to meet your beautiful baby. I’m really happy for you. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Michelle Kellogg
    July 3, 2017 at 5:04 pm

    You don’t have to get over miscarriages. I have never had one but I know that if I ever did, it wouldn’t be something that I would “just get over”. And I hate that society thinks that you should. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Whether the loss of a child happens after the child is born or before should make no difference. The pain is unbearable and for people to tell you to get over it is completely rude and in compassionate. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 3, 2017 at 6:38 pm

      Thank you so much for your comment and your understanding. You’re right the loss of a child is painful no matter when it occurs. And it’s not possible to recover fully from such a loss. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Sarah Wynn
    July 3, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    This is so beautiful and honest. Thank you for sharing xxxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 3, 2017 at 6:39 pm

      You’re welcome. I just hope it helps other’s who feel the same. Thanks for commenting. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Alison
    July 3, 2017 at 1:04 pm

    I can’t thankyou enough for sharing your story I cried reading it u have written how I feel.I had four miscarriages before my beautiful son was born now aged two and I still struggle with the dark days thankyou xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 3, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      I’m so glad this post has helped you. But I’m so sorry that I made you cry and that you’ve experienced 4 miscarriages. I hope the dark days get fewer and fewer. Sending lots of love Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Emily
    July 3, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    I could have written this myself and have the same time frame as you too. My daughter my rainbow baby will be 1 in 3 weeks.
    It is so hard as everyone expects you to forget and move on but you never can.
    Much love x

  • Reply
    Frankie
    July 3, 2017 at 9:07 am

    I feel less alone right now. Thank you ❤️ I’m Still waiting for my rainbow to appear. I have 4 angels in my constant thoughts and I don’t think the pain will ever go away, In some ways I hope it doesn’t, I want to remember them always, they deserve that. They don’t have a grave, or anywhere I can visit, apart from in my thoughts. I feel I can never speak of them to anyone, it’s a taboo subject and people just assume your “over it” it’s good to know there are others who feel the same. X

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 3, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      I’m glad this post has helped you. I wrote it because I hated knowing that other women felt that they should be coping. Simply because it was x amount of time since their miscarriage. Big hugs and I hope your rainbow appears soon. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Angela Blandford
    July 3, 2017 at 8:10 am

    You never forget the babies you’ve lost and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

    Very similar here – our rainbow daughter turns one on 8th July but before we were lucky enough to have her, we lost 6 babies from 4 pregnancies – it’s heartbreaking. You look at these little miracles and wonder how on earth they finally came along after so much heartache but the joy and happiness they bring is so worthwhile.

    Big love and hugs to anybody else going through their losses – you’re not alone. xxx

  • Reply
    Jo - Pickle & Poppet
    July 3, 2017 at 5:11 am

    A beautiful read and the words are just right. We had two miscarriages before our two babies and I still think about them quietly on my own. It’s never spoken about not any more. It makes others uncomfortable and so they would rather forget, but I’ll never forget that feeling.
    Thanks Lucy for saying that it’s ok x

  • Reply
    Lisa @ NatureImmerse
    July 3, 2017 at 12:56 am

    Bleeding or Spotting Doesn’t Always Lead To Miscarriage. I spotted with all my pregnancies, including my completely normal pregnancy which led to the birth of my daughter. Spotting can be caused my a number of factors, and not all of them will lead to a miscarriage.
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    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 3, 2017 at 6:50 pm

      Hi Lisa. Thanks for your comment. I understand that bleeding or spotting don’t always lead to miscarriage. I’ve had 6 pregnancies. 2 went full term and 4 ended in miscarriage. It was only in 1 pregnancy that I didn’t bleed or spot. This was one of the pregnancies I lost. And I think it’s only natural that someone who has experienced miscarriage in the past (and knows they have a higher risk of miscarrying again) thinks the worse when they bleed or spot. But thank you for raising this point. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Cathy Hastoy
    July 2, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    Tough but beautiful reading. I happened apon the scan results of my ‘little bean’ the other day and a family member said ‘oh Cathy don’t look at that’…but it happened and I won’t and don’t want to forget it.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      July 2, 2017 at 8:02 pm

      Oh darling. So sorry to hear this. It is hard not to forget but so important. They were still your babies and always will be. Sending love. We’ve all been through so much since those girl’s school days. Hugs Lucy xxxx

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