Dear Mummy
I love you. I really do. But over the past few months your bad behaviour has escalated.
I can no longer stand by in silence. I have to speak out.
That is why I am writing this epistle.
I don’t have the option of putting you on the naughty step or giving you a time out.
This is my opportunity to say that enough is enough. I am not going to put up with it any longer. Your current behaviour has got to stop.
I am asking you nicely.
For the sake of my sanity.
From the bottom of my little Squidget heart, please consider the following:
1.Close the door when you go to the toilet.
It is disgusting that you leave the door open when you are doing your business.
It is abhorrent that every morning my enjoyment of the antics of Mr Tumble is accompanied by the soundtrack of your morning ablutions.
Please learn how to close a door. I am 28 months old and even I know how to shut myself in the bathroom.
Enough already.
2. Give me what I ask for. When I ask for it.
When I ask for apple juice then please can I have apple juice. I do not want the tiniest amount of apple juice topped up with water. That is not what I have asked for.
I am a toddler. I am not stupid.
I know that you often give me water and say it is apple juice in order to keep me quiet.
I don’t imagine that any of the Pitt-Jolie/ Jolie-Pitt children receive this kind of treatment.
3. Stop lying to me.
Again, I want to reiterate the fact that I am a toddler. I am not stupid.
When you give me a snack of Fruit and Fibre cereal flakes and say it is crisps, I know that you are lying.
Please give me crisps when I want crisps and Fruit and Fibre when I ask for Fruit and Fibre.
Simples!
4. Daddy is mine.
Please do not kiss or hug Daddy.
In fact, there should be a gap of at least 10 metres between you both at all times.
Disgusting displays of public affection are not called for. They make me feel very uncomfortable.
You should know by now that Daddy belongs to me. I, and I alone, am allowed to give him hugs and kisses.
Stay away from the man I love.
5. For the love of Captain Barnacles, cover up woman!
Please stop having a shower whilst I am in the bath.
Every day I am subjected to your wobbly nakedness. It is not a pretty sight.
I don’t have to see Daddy’s bits and bobs on a daily basis. Why, oh why, do I have to see yours.
Please, Mother, put some clothes on and shower in privacy.
6. It is my right as a human being to have a banana whenever I want one.
I am fed up of hearing “no darling, you can’t have a banana. You’ve eaten three already today.”
If I want a banana then I should be able to eat a ruddy banana.
7. My belongings are mine.
Please stop kidnapping Maxi Monkey and my other friends and putting them in the washing machine.
The washing machine is Guantanamo Bay for soft toys.
It is inhumane.
They aren’t even given a fair trial before being subjected to such cruelty.
They may be a little smelly or have fallen in a puddle. But that is not a crime.
I love Maxi Monkey et al. just as they are. With all their smelly imperfections.
Stay away from them. They are under my protection. And I will defend their right to be smelly with my life, if I have to.
Leave them alone.
8. You are not Taylor Swift
I love to dance to Shake, Shake. But when you dance and sing along too then it seriously kills my mojo.
You are a worse dancer than Daddy. And that is saying something (sorry Daddy).
You are completely uncoordinated and tone deaf.
Put a sock in it woman.
9. I am an artist
Why do I always have to paint in the bath? It is not right or fair.
Were Picasso or Monet only allowed to paint their works of art whilst naked and surrounded by a white enamel cage?
I think not!
Allow me to be the artist I was born to be. Stop stifling my creativity.
10. You are not a hair dresser.
Have you been trained by Vidal Sassoon?
No?
Then keep those bloody scissors away from my fringe.
You don’t butcher your own hair. So stay away from mine.
I do love you Mummy. Not as much as I love Daddy… but you are definitely in my top 20 favourite people.
But I would love you a whole lot more if you could take some time to look at yourself.
Look at your current behaviour.
Look at how far you have strayed from the straight and narrow.
Take a good look Mummy. Because your current behaviour has got to stop.
Little Miss H
xxxx
60 Comments
Helen aka Welshmumwriting
January 5, 2018 at 11:31 pmThat had me in stitches, my two year old is probably thinking those things all the time – especially about the bananas! Perhaps less with daddy who gets a “oh it’s him again” look and a “get off my mummy” death stare if he comes within three feet of me !
Leah
September 29, 2017 at 9:19 pmAbsolutely love this! I’m sure my boy thinks many of the sam things! Xx
Mrs H
October 1, 2017 at 8:57 pmThank you for your comment. I hate to imagine what she really thinks. My daughter is now four and I’m sure she thinks a lot worse now. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jane Scott
February 21, 2017 at 12:48 pmLove this Lucy,it really could describe my house!Have shared on my Facebook page !
Clare - My Tunbridge Wells
January 31, 2017 at 5:21 pmWhy have I only just read this?! Love it – especially the one about the bananas, the crisps and daddy being ‘mine’! All very relatable in our house for the last 5 years! X
Emma
January 7, 2017 at 5:19 pmThis is brilliant! I think I like the crisps/fruit and fibre trick the best!! And what self respecting mother goes to the loo with the door shut?
Mrs H
January 7, 2017 at 8:45 pmThanks so much Emma. I always think the worse thing is when your partner is in the house and you still leave the door open. Thank you for your comment. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Undercover PTA Mum
December 13, 2016 at 11:02 amLove this! I think it’s just what my two are thinking too…
Mrs H
December 15, 2016 at 8:00 pmThanks so much. Now she is a little older, I am sure that she is thinking much worse. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Single Mum Speaks
December 4, 2016 at 11:02 amThis is hilarious! Absolutely loved it.
Mrs H
December 4, 2016 at 7:40 pmI am so glad. Little Miss H is very strict with me. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Amy
November 23, 2016 at 6:58 amLove this post! You nailed it! It’s literally like my 3 year old little boy wrote this! Especially the daddy and Banana parts! xxx
Mrs H
November 23, 2016 at 11:54 amHa ha! Thank you. It is good to know that my daughter isn’t the only child who is eccentric. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jessica Powell
November 1, 2015 at 4:18 pmThis really made me grin! Loved the bit about ‘daddy is mine’ – we can definitely relate to that on! 🙂
Mrs H
November 1, 2015 at 4:26 pmHa ha! Thanks for your comment. I am glad that this post made you smile. Little Miss H is such a massive daddy’s girl. She definitely thinks that she owns her daddy. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Sarah Christie
October 20, 2015 at 8:55 pmHa ha I love this Guantanamo Bay for toys, do you know mine moan about me cutting their hair and I am a hairdresser ! x
Mrs H
November 1, 2015 at 4:31 pmI love the fact that your kids moan about you cutting their hair. That is ludicrous. Little Miss H actually has justifiable reason to complain. I am hopeless. Thanks for commenting lovely. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Kat | Beau Twins
October 19, 2015 at 6:18 pmYou nailed it hun! Superb post as always. I can imagine my two saying about me butchering their hair – I have made a faux pas on their fringes the other week – terrible it was. Poor loves. Luckily it was only noticeable to me – but even still WHOOPS! xxx
Mrs H
November 1, 2015 at 4:33 pmThanks for your kind words lovely. Little Miss H often gives me a look and I just know she is thinking all of this. I always butcher her fringe. Our daughters will just all have to have butchered fringes together. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Caro | The Twinkles Mama
October 16, 2015 at 7:29 pmHaha! That’s you told then 😉 I love the thought that she vies for Mr Hs attention with you!! LOL! You’d win hands down lovely!! xx
Thanks so much for linking up with us for #TwinklyTuesday, we really appreciate it 🙂
Mrs H
October 18, 2015 at 8:13 amThanks for your comment, lovely. Oh, she doesn’t just vie for Mr H’s attention. She wins hands down. I know that I am the lowest ranked individual in this family. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
ERFmama
October 16, 2015 at 4:30 pmHehehe lovely post. 😀 I recognised quite a few of those. 😀
Mrs H
October 18, 2015 at 7:26 amThank you for your comment. I am glad you enjoyed reading this post and could identify with it. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Potty Mouthed Mummy
October 15, 2015 at 8:49 pmOh my goodness this is utterly fabulous. One of your best ever. Made me smile and giggle muchly lovely lady xx
Mrs H
October 18, 2015 at 6:31 pmThank you lovely. That is the most fabulous comment. And praise indeed from one of my all time favourite bloggers. I am so glad that I put a smile on your face. My mission here is done. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Suzanne
October 15, 2015 at 7:17 pmShe’s not Taylor Swift? Come on now, us mums are allowed to dream….and dance….aren’t we? We’ve got to have SOME fun! Hilarious post. x PS Why is mum NEVER favourite?
Mrs H
October 18, 2015 at 7:29 amThank you so much for your comment. My daughter is very unfair to me, isn’t she? My singing and dancing really aren’t that bad!!! And I am definitely not Little Miss H’s favourite. But at least, I am in the top 20. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Mrs Tubbs
October 15, 2015 at 12:20 pmYou missed, “And it really is all your fault”. It’s raining when you want to be outside, daddy is watching the telly when I want to, whatever it is … Your fault! #sharethejoy
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:27 amHa ha! Thanks for you’re comment. I am waiting until she is a teenager and then I am sure everything will be my fault. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Steph
October 15, 2015 at 10:42 amHi,
Just wanted to say how brilliant this post is.
I loved reading this, made me laugh a lot. x
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:28 amOh thank you for your lovely comment. I am glad it made you laugh. Hugs Mrs H xxxx.
Mini Travellers
October 14, 2015 at 7:28 pmBloody love it!!!
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:29 amThanks lovely. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Adrian
October 14, 2015 at 6:25 pmVery funny twist! I am becoming very aware of Little B’s observations and understanding – he is no longer a baby and I also need to stop doing some stuff in front of him. I said the F word by accident this week and he giggled. I am now mortified and living in fear of him blurting it out in front of in laws, grandparents, childminder, supermarket staff! I also need to stop wandering around and doing the ironing naked but that’s actually Mrs B who’s been begging me to stop that for years. 🙂
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:31 amHa ha Adrian. Thanks for your comment. I have let the odd f word slip out in front of Little Miss H. And Mr H swears like a trooper so I am sure that she will be a potty mouth. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Natasha
October 14, 2015 at 11:24 amhahaha awww…this post made me laugh out loud!! S is 3 yrs and 7 mnths and I still dilute his apple juice when I can. As for my wobbly bits in the shower?! I’m hoping there’s a way to erase that from his long term memory! xx
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:32 amThanks for your lovely comment. I am glad that I am not the only mum who dilutes apple juice. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a machine to erase their memory. All those times I have sworn in front of her would go. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Lisa BacksnBumps
October 14, 2015 at 10:18 amReally good post this made me laugh. I wonder what really goes through the little ones minds each day. My son used to give me this look when he was tiny to put me in my place! came over from love2blog
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:33 amThanks for your comment. Little Miss H often gives me a look of complete disdain. And I’ve obviously done something to horrify her. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
StressedMum
October 13, 2015 at 9:49 pmThis is so funny, you really can imagine a toddler saying all this as well x
Mrs H
November 17, 2015 at 10:34 amThanks for your comment. I can certainly imagine Little Miss saying all of this. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Wave to Mummy
October 13, 2015 at 9:22 pmHa ha this is just brilliant 🙂 I could imagine my toddler saying pretty much similar things, especially about the apple juice 😀 we try to sneak water in too by saying it is juice 😀 she doesn’t buy it anymore…
Heledd - Running in Lavender
October 13, 2015 at 8:58 pmHa ha ha love this post Lucy! It’s a perfect example of your great sense of humour and fantastic writing. Sounds like little Miss H has managed to get quite a few issues off her chest. It also sounds like you’re on your way back! xx
Stephanie
October 13, 2015 at 8:16 pmOh this made me giggle – especially the daddy is mine part. Dear Little Miss H one day you’ll know exactly why mummy does all these 🙂 #sharethejoy
Katie LifeonVistaStreet Haydock
October 13, 2015 at 8:09 pmThis is hilarious! I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw the title – absolutely brilliant. I literally snorted at number 6!
My little miss is the same with pom bears! she can’t be fooled either….
Natalie Smithson
October 13, 2015 at 7:54 pmThis post is IMMENSE! Love the twist from concerned infant to bossy toddler. I laughed all the way through with recognition as the words “Up” and “Get it” ring in my ears.
I should admit, though, that I have butchered my own fringe (it didn’t go well). Even so, I’m entrusted to accurately cut my little lady’s fringe, but never her nails… after that little incident with her father and his big toe 😐
Nat
Mummy Tries
October 13, 2015 at 7:41 pmAbsolutely brilliant honey, loved every bit of this! I only give the tiniest bit of apple juice and top it up with water, much to the disgust of my kids 😉 and the don’t kiss or hug daddy thing, even my 6yo gets jealous over that one. Glad it’s not just me. Mwah xxxx
Helen - Mess Stress and Fancy Dress
October 13, 2015 at 7:06 pmClearly you are a most unreasonable mother and bring shame and humiliation on your daughter unnecessarily. Give her a year and she’ll be notifying pre-school of these misgivings on a daily basis. I feel my toddler shares some of these concerns. I chortled at number 1! xx. #twinklytuesdays
Sian @ QuiteFranklySheSaid
October 13, 2015 at 6:56 pmThis is superb! I am howling with laughter! Thank you, I needed the giggles today x
mummyofboygirltwins
October 13, 2015 at 6:22 pmHa ha love this! I think Harry & Lottie would be feeling same if they could write a blog too!!! Well said Miss, so you leave her be Mrs H and let her play and do whatever she wants from now on! 😉 Great post!!!! Jess xx
#twinklytuesday
katy
October 13, 2015 at 3:56 pmThis made me laugh. Out. Loud!! Fab post hun!!! x
Morgan Prince
October 13, 2015 at 1:33 pmAbsolutely brilliant! This had me laughing the whole way through. Yes, mummy should not cut your hair with scissors! – leave it to the professionals! hehe 😉
Julie Downes
October 13, 2015 at 10:45 amOops forgot #TwinklyTuesday
Anita Cleare
October 13, 2015 at 10:44 amWhat a lovely post! I used to lie to my children that dried apple flakes were “sweets” when they were little. For many years I put the clocks forward on New Year’s Eve after misguidedly agreeing they could stay up until midnight – oh how far from the paths of truth we stray! #TwinklyTuesday
Julie Downes
October 13, 2015 at 10:44 amAh this is so funny. My daughter is with Little miss H on point 8 often telling me not to sing but sometimes I just have to ignore her and carry on much to her annoyance!
Michelle Reeves (The Joy Chaser)
October 13, 2015 at 9:14 amHaha this is utterly BRILLIANT honey! You must link this up at #ShareTheJoy plleeeeeaaase! Other people need to chuckle along with me and this is THE perfect post today for that. Oh and I’m not Taylor Swift either *sigh*.
Maria Noell
October 13, 2015 at 8:36 amThis is amazing Cherub! So funny… and the part about Guantanamo Bay is freakin’ priceless. Fab Post xoxo
Jenna
October 13, 2015 at 8:15 amOh poor Little Miss H having to put up with such terrible behaviour from mummy!! 😉
The banana one is so Jasmine – except replace Banana with raisins – she was asking for some at 6.30 in the morning yesterday. How DARE I not give them to her?!
xx
theloveofacaptain
October 13, 2015 at 7:32 amThank you – this has made my morning. You can bet your life she actually thinks all those things, not about your dancing though of course! I too keep the door open these days, it saves all of two seconds not having to open and close it. Great post xx #TwinklyTuesday