Mental health

The Stalker

Two shadows of people appear on a pavement one slightly behind the other like they are a stalker - The Stalker - Mrs H's favourite things

I have a stalker.

They’ve been a menacing presence in my life since I was 20.

And since their appearance during my second year at university, there has been no escape. They’ve been every where I turned. Every where I looked.

They threatened my life. And they filled me with self loathing and hatred. Setting me on a path to self-destruction.

At one point they managed to break me. I was destroyed. A shell of a human being.

For a moment my life stopped. I was still breathing but I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t know how to be. Lucy had gone. I had been consumed.

But day by day their vise like grip loosened. And I slowly put myself back together.

I was no longer the person I had been. I was different. Being destroyed and then rebuilt changes your make up. It changes your DNA. I evolved. And they lost interest in the new me.

Over time I’d forget the threat they presented. I’d stop looking anxiously over my shoulder. I’d become reckless. I acted in a way that I knew would provoke them.

This foolishness would have one inevitable result. They would creep back in to my life. And once again my life would be turned upside down.

I can’t even remember how many times this has happened. I have blocked it out. My memory has holes in it. Minutes, hours, days and weeks that have been banished.

Of course, it often comes back in my dreams. My subconscious taunting me. Forcing me to relive the moments that I want to bury. The times when my stalker was pulling my strings.

I wish I could say that my stalker no longer impacts my life. But they do. And they don’t just affect my life. They threaten the happiness of my family. My two precious children and my loving husband. And for that I despise them. 

But I can’t escape them. I can keep them at bay. But they will not die.

Sadly, the past month has seen my stalker reappear in my life.

At first, I didn’t notice. The tell-tale signs were there but I chose to ignore them.

But they would not be ignored. And eventually I had to accept them and embrace them in order to minimise the damage that they could cause. So I opened the door and let them in.

And once again I was face to face with my stalker.

This time they appeared diminished. Smaller. I had the upper hand. I knew what I needed to do to beat them.

So, dear stalker. Dear depression.

I hope you realise that you have now met your match. I am stronger than you think I am.

Many years ago you tried to destroy me. Yet even with all the powers at your disposal you failed. And by failing you built a powerful enemy.

I am no longer that fragile pathetic little girl. Over the years I have become strong.

You aren’t the only force to cause heartbreak in my life. But I’ve survived.

And I am now a mother.  Motherhood has made me brave and fierce. Something you could never understand.

Yes, you scare me. I would be stupid to say otherwise. But I will NOT be beaten.

And if I were you I’d be less cocky. Less self-assured. Because I am not the push over you think I am.

So dear stalker, goodbye.

Adieu.

Until the next time.

My Petit Canard

This post has also been linked up to #TwinklyTuesday over on the fabulous blog MummaScribbles.

47 Comments

  • Reply
    Debbie Roberts
    September 4, 2017 at 5:18 pm

    Hi Lucy, brave words from a brave lady. It can’t be easy, but becoming a Mother gives us good reason to carry on and put up a fight. I hope your ‘stalker’ keeps its distance from now on and you get to stop looking over your shoulder.

    xx
    Debbie Roberts recently posted…Monday Morning Blog Club 04/09/2017My Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      September 15, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      Thanks for your lovely comment. Becoming a mother is definitely the best reason to put up a fight. Sadly it’s just easier to fight on some days than others. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Maz Hopwood
    April 12, 2017 at 9:35 pm

    Well written, good for you laying it out there, you have nothing but love from everyone who reads it. Depression isn’t weakness, it’s the curse of high intelligence. CBT has some good ideas which can be of use in building happier thoughts.
    Maz Hopwood recently posted…Fossil hunting at Bracklesham BayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Pen
    March 25, 2017 at 10:24 pm

    Can I just say that I think you are amazing. Your are incredibly brave and incredibly strong. Pen x
    Pen recently posted…Mother’s Day tips for single mumsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 26, 2017 at 12:43 am

      Thank you so much. That means a huge amount to me. I often don’t feel either brace or strong. But I hope that is how my children see me. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    March 11, 2017 at 10:22 pm

    I’ve already commented on this once but reiterating how proud of you I am. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday lovely lady xx

  • Reply
    This Mama Life
    March 11, 2017 at 12:00 am

    What a wonderfully honest and really well written post lovey. I felt the same about my eating disorder over the years and can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. Well done for speaking out and helping others x

  • Reply
    Ohmummymia
    March 8, 2017 at 10:05 am

    Its good how you called youe depression and nice to read that you was able to beat it
    #TwinklyTuesday

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 9, 2017 at 10:23 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind comment. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Intrepid Bebe
    March 8, 2017 at 9:28 am

    Fantastic post, stalkers hate being called out, named and shamed. Maybe if we can all introduce our stalkers to one another them can all go hang out together in some sort of gloomy grey room- and leave everyone in peace?

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 9, 2017 at 10:23 pm

      Thank you so much. That would be a great idea. They can all attempt to destroy each other. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Annalisa
    March 6, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    Wow such an amazing read.. and so true. I feel every word of that. x

  • Reply
    RachelSwirl
    March 5, 2017 at 10:05 pm

    I had never considered depression as a stalker but its a fantastic way of describing it x

  • Reply
    Kerry
    March 5, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    Brilliant post well done you xx

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    March 2, 2017 at 9:25 pm

    What a hard thing to have to deal with for so long, but well done on talking about it. It will help others feel like they aren’t on their own.
    Stephanie recently posted…How I Work From Home Around My FamilyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Suzanne
    March 2, 2017 at 10:32 am

    I saw this post pop up in my feed the other day and I held off reading it because my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety and depression last year (at 15) and continues to battle with it. I am scared that it will always ‘stalk’ her but reading your post has given me some encouragement – she’s a fighter just like you and being broken has absolutely changed her as a person (mostly for the better, I think). She’s learnt so much and now has tools to deal with it as well as a story to help others. Keep writing Lucy, it’s important, xx

  • Reply
    Charlotte
    March 2, 2017 at 10:07 am

    Comparing depression to a stalker speaks volumes to me. It is like someone constantly looking over your shoulder and you have to fight to outrun them. Great post, thanks for sharing! Hope you are alright! xx

  • Reply
    Janine Dolan
    March 2, 2017 at 9:34 am

    Very well written Lucy. I never experienced depression but my bestie does so I kind of have an idea. It’s hard to get through her sometimes. .
    Janine Dolan recently posted…Karneval aka FaschingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Fashion and Style Police
    March 2, 2017 at 12:09 am

    What a brave post. Motherhood does make you stronger.
    Run along stalker, Lucy is stronger than you.

  • Reply
    Kerry norris
    March 1, 2017 at 11:07 pm

    This is amazingly written. You are strong and brave. Well done mama. I’m sorry the month has been tough but you can fight the stalker xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:33 pm

      Awwww, thank you for your lovely comment. I don’t feel strong and brave. But now I am a mum I am determined that my stalker will not win. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Cliona
    March 1, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    What a beautiful way to put this – I’ve suffered from depression in the past and it’s always a bit of a shadow lurking round the corner so I totally get the stalker imagery. You sound so strong and determined, it’s pretty amazing!

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:35 pm

      I recently read a novel about her stalker. And it suddenly hit me that living with depression feels like I have a stalker who is always following me. Lurking in the shadows. Thank you for your lovely comment and kind words. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jayne @ Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs
    March 1, 2017 at 1:07 pm

    Such a brave post Lucy. Good for you, for taking control and not letting it consume you. Well done for slamming the door in the face of the stalker, wishing you nothing but happiness 🙂 xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:37 pm

      Thank you so much. You are very lovely. It is so much easier to be strong when facing my depression now that I am a mum. I have a reason to get up every day and to slam the door in my stalker’s face. Thank you for your lovely comment and kind words. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Sonia
    March 1, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Wow, for writing such an honest post so others out there can connect with how you feel, and well done for being strong when it gets tough

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:39 pm

      Thank you for your kind comment. I hope that my writing helps other’s struggling know that they are not alone. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Cass
    March 1, 2017 at 8:56 am

    Huge hugs Lucy, this is one of the most honest posts I’ve read for a long time and you definitely are stronger than this x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:40 pm

      Thanks lovely. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I really need to remember that. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Mim
    March 1, 2017 at 3:03 am

    Oh you have me welling up beautiful girl but not because I’m sad but because I think you’re kick-ass awesome. You’re so amazingly strong to write and share such a powerful post that will help so many x x x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:38 pm

      Thank you darling. Sorry to have made you well up. The past month has been tough but I am lucky because I have a super awesome family. They are my reason for being strong and not letting the depression consume me. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Lyndsey O'Halloran
    February 28, 2017 at 10:44 pm

    I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling stronger in yourself now! I have PND and anxiety so I know what a struggle life can be sometimes! x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:42 pm

      Lyndsey, thank you for your comment. But I am so sorry to hear that you have PND and anxiety. That really sucks. It is so hard to pull yourself out of the despair sometimes. Sending you lots of love and be kind to yourself. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Ana
    February 28, 2017 at 10:17 pm

    This really hit a chord, as someone who has depression herself knowing how to deal with it can be hard and when people say you are fine it makes you want to scream. Mine comes and goes like yours but you are so brave to confront it head on and challenge it. Keep being you xx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:44 pm

      Thank you for your gorgeous comment. That means so much to me. I am sorry that you have depression too. It really does affect far too many lovely people. I do find it hard when others don’t understand. Some people think I can just decide to be happy. I wish it were that easy. But I can do what I can to make sure that I keep myself as healthy as possible. Take care of yourself. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Joanna
    February 28, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    You should be proud of yourself depression can be so hard its great that u are much stronger.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:45 pm

      Thank you so much. Depression is really tough. But I have been through so much in the 18 years since I was diagnosed. And my life is very different now. It is easy to fight it more. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Jodie
    February 28, 2017 at 8:02 pm

    You are an incredibly person. So strong and inspiring.
    Jodie recently posted…What’s Your Flavour This Pancake Day? #NumNomsFoodieMy Profile

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:46 pm

      Oh thank you lovely. That is very kind of you to say. I often don’t feel strong or inspiring so it means a lot to hear those words. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Lisa Backsnbumps
    February 28, 2017 at 5:03 pm

    This is such a well written post. I think that people who haven’t suffered with depression think that you cure it get better and that’s it. In reality it is often lurking and ready to come back. Maybe not as bad or even in the same way. I love the fact you are much stronger, you’ve beaten it once and you will again.

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      March 1, 2017 at 11:48 pm

      Thank you for your comment lovely. It is hard for many who don’t understand depression. They see me smiling and happy and think that I am fine. But depression doesn’t work like that. I have had so many relapses in the past 18 years. But I am a fighter and I won’t let it beat me. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Rhian
    February 28, 2017 at 11:48 am

    You should be so proud that you are stronger now and you can beat your stalker even if they decide to reappear sometime again x

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      February 28, 2017 at 1:30 pm

      Thanks so much Rhian. That is very kind of you. It is so good to know that I am so much stronger now. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Brittany | A Mindful Geek
    February 27, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    Wow. This is such a honest and awesome read. I too struggle with bipolar, PTSD and anxiety myself. Knowing that other moms feel this was really helps. Thank you for sharing #MarvMondays

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      February 27, 2017 at 11:55 pm

      Wow, thank you for your kind words. It is so tough feeling this way. But I promise that you are not alone. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    February 27, 2017 at 10:25 pm

    Yes Lucy…you mama warrior. I am so proud of you for knowing exactly how you had to beat it this time. You are such a beautiful lady with gorgeous children and young so deserve to be happy and stalker free. Sending you so much love darling xxxx

    • Reply
      Mrs H
      February 27, 2017 at 10:46 pm

      Thank you so much gorgeous Lisa. I am very blessed to have such wonderful and supportive friends (yourself included) who listen to me and make me feel less alone. Hugs to you. Lucy xxxx

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