I have to say it. I hate November.
In my opinion, it is the hardest month of the year. And it is the month where I always struggle with my depression.
I didn’t always feel this way.
As a child and a teenager I was indifferent to November. Nothing exciting happened. I spent the days waiting for December and the count down to Christmas.
That all changed on Saturday, 23rd November 2002.
That was the day that I made serious plans to take my life and that evening I took my third overdose.
After the attempt, I was a ghost of my former self. A fragile and empty shell.
I was seriously ill. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
My psychiatrist, sensing that a hospital environment would destroy me, decided to release me into my parents’ care.
And at the age of 24, I moved back home.
The next few months are a blur. I can’t remember the events that occurred but I can remember the heartache. The desolation. The numbness. The self-hatred. The despair.
There were a lot of tears. There were hours spent staring numbly at the wall in my room. Unable to get out of bed. Willing myself to stop breathing. Stop existing.
But I carried on. I recovered.
It is now November 2015 and I am a different person. Most importantly, I am a wife and a mother.
But every November, I remember. And I relive the heartbreak and dread.
Every November, I remember the night my life changed forever. The night my life could have ended.
And it cuts through me like a knife. Every day. For 30 days!
I know it is just a date. I know it shouldn’t have any hold on me. But it does.
It is like a box of old memories that I have put at the back of the wardrobe. I know I can’t throw it away. It is an important part of my life and those experiences helped to shape the person I am today. But I wish it could be forgotten about. Closed. Sealed.
Even if I am not consciously thinking about that day, my subconscious won’t let me forgot.
The nightmares start at the beginning of November. Shortly followed by the recurring dreams that are echoes of past depressive episodes.
I wake up exhausted. Feeling like I have run an emotional marathon.
Then there is the self-doubt. The apathy. The general desire to hibernate and isolate myself from the world.
This year is even harder than usual.
In early November 2014 I lost our third baby. And the baby we lost back in May was due on 25th November.
When I worked out that baby’s due date, I turned to Mr H and said “it will be lovely to have something happy happen in November. Just once.”
It is possible that I cursed the baby with those words. Once spoken, a sword of Damocles appeared above my baby’s head.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I still have many happy moments during this month.
But there is a dam of emotion that is just waiting to burst.
And sadly these emotions can’t always be held back.
They emerge in a sharp word to a friend; an undeserved moan at my husband; an impatient strop with my toddler; an inappropriate comment at a social gathering; or an outpouring of emotion to people I barely know.
So how do I survive November?
I just do!
It helps to know that I feel as I do because of Novemberitis. That I just have to grin and bear it. The excitement and anticipation of Christmas awaits.
I make myself get up in the morning. I get dressed and I put on make-up. I go out and see friends or take Littls Miss H to play group. I allow my husband to give me comforting hugs and I feel secure in his love. I smile and giggle with my daughter.
I fight the feelings and emotions that try to take me to a bad place. I challenge my negative thinking. I do what I need to do.
I also allow myself to be.
To feel miserable. To cry. To weep.
This is a kindness.
Instead of pretending this depression doesn’t exist. I am controlling how and when I let it take me.
This November may be hard. But I will not let it beat me. I will welcome December with open arms and a beaming smile. And I will know that there are eleven wonderful months before the box of memories is taken out of the wardrobe, dusted down and opened once again.
Hugs
Mrs H
xxxx
59 Comments
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:33 pmThank you for your kind words. I am very blessed. I do have a wonderful husband and daughter. They are my life. And make everything so much better. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Alan herbert
December 11, 2015 at 2:32 pmIt must be terrible to have this every year.
I never looked forward to December. I still don’t.
Having the kids has meant I don’t get as low as I used to.
Thankfully I don’t have the flashbacks and nightmares to any of my suicide attempts.
I hope that in time it gets better for you and November is not such a bad month for you.
Thanks for sharing.
Mrs H
December 15, 2015 at 4:21 amThanks for your lovely comment. I hope that you are not finding it too hard this month. It is horrible when a certain time of year has a grip on you like this. But, as you say, it helps to have children and to focus on that. Take care of yourself. Bigs hugs Mrs H xxxx
Amber
December 7, 2015 at 1:13 pmYou’ve been quiet for a while, darling – are you ok? Thinking of you. x
Mrs H
December 15, 2015 at 4:22 amAwww, thank you so much lovely. I am fine. Just so busy and trying to keep my head down and look after myself. Thank you for caring. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Suzanne
November 27, 2015 at 1:55 pmHugs back to you lovely this sounds like a horrible nightmare to relive every year 🙁 This was so beautifully written, I’m so glad that you made it through and have your story to tell. Depression is a horrible, horrible illness. November is almost over now. x x
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:32 pmThank you so much for your gorgeous comment. You are very kind. You are right, depression is hideous. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I got through November and it was actually a lovely month despite everything. I hope you are well and had a wonderful Christmas. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Katie LifeonVistaStreet Haydock
November 26, 2015 at 4:35 pmSuch a brave lady – you can do it gorgeous. We’re nearly there xXx
Mrs H
December 15, 2015 at 4:23 amThanks gorgeous. And woo hoo! Now we are half way through December. How did that happen? Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Louise Parry
November 19, 2015 at 9:39 pmWe are all here for you my darling to help you through the worst of times.
November will be over soon and hopefully life will start to become a bit easier for you again. I know what it’s like to feel as though everything is stacked against you and when it’s a struggle just to get up in the morning. Love and hugs to you.
Mrs H
November 20, 2015 at 9:22 pmThanks so much for your lovely comment honey. I am actually coping really well this month. I surprise myself! Writing the post helped. Getting my feelings out always does help. Take care of yourself lovely. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Everything Mummy
November 15, 2015 at 9:28 pmOh Lucy I just wan to each through the screen and give you the biggest hug ever you are such a stung lady I admire your bravery so much, the way you talk openly about your feelings and previous battles with depression really will help others your amazing xx
Mrs H
November 25, 2015 at 1:06 pmAwww, Amy. You’ll make me cry. I really don’t feel amazing. I feel like I am just muddling through. It helps to write these things down. And knowing that I might help others is brilliant. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Alex Lamb & Bear
November 15, 2015 at 5:07 pmI can’t begin to image how you are feeling, but the one thing I have taken from this post is that you are facing this month head on and you should be so proud of yourself. Sending lots of love xxx
Mrs H
November 25, 2015 at 1:05 pmThanks Alex. That is kind of you. I won’t let this type of thing defeat me. I am stronger than that. Thanks for your lovely comment. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Katy
November 14, 2015 at 10:53 pmOh I just want to give you the biggest hug. You didn’t curse your baby hun but I know I would have felt the same. I hope one November something wonderful happens to turn those awful memories into distant ones that are overshadowed by the new happy memories. Huge hugs, it is nearly December xx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:47 pmThank you for your lovely comment, Katy. You are very kind. November surprised me. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it was quite lovely. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Emma @sophieellaandme
November 14, 2015 at 9:39 pmWhat a brave post to write and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I hope you can get through this difficult month and look forward to what is ahead xx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:49 pmThank you for your kind comment. I did get through November. And there were some very happy moments. Having Little Miss H and Mr H in my life always helps. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Ally Mother Under Measure
November 14, 2015 at 8:43 pmOh hunny, I’m sorry. It’s so much for you to take in. I know what it’s like to have certain times that trigger your mental health more than others, it’s so hard but remember you’ll get through it. You are such a strong lady, an inspiration. Thank you for being so open and honest as always, the rawness of your emotions shows. xxx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:51 pmThank you for your lovely comment, Ally. I know, that sadly, you understand so much that I write about. But November is over and soon it will be 2016. I hope you are well, darling. Sending you massive hugs. Mrs H xxxx
Sarah christie
November 14, 2015 at 7:29 pmLucy I am so sorry you feel like this, November is possibly my favourite month and I feel so sad you are not seeing it through my eyes. I hope you get you happy November sometime soon, maybe book a wonderful trip and make some happy memories as you so deserve them my darling x
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:53 pmThank you for your comment, Sarah. I like your suggestion of going somewhere wonderful in November. Maybe next November that is what we should do. Then I can try to see November as you do. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Harriet Leonard
November 14, 2015 at 8:47 amI’m so sorry to read this. It must be do hard for you. 27th of November is a date that I dread. My brother died suddenly 4 years ago and it will always be ingrained in my mind. Sending you lots of love & strength xx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:55 pmOh Harriet, I am so sorry to hear that. It is awful when these days stay with us forever. I hope that you managed to get through the day. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Natalie Ray
November 13, 2015 at 9:51 pmI’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time and I’m sorry to hear of all you have been through. I am willing November away for you. And you are amazing for still managing to get up and put on makeup, you put me to shame. I have totally given up on my appearance, haven’t worn makeup for months and months. I hope you realise how inspirational your blog is, I’ve heard so many people say such kind words about it but it hasn’t really crossed my path before now. I’m glad to have read your blog at last and I look forward to reading it regularly in the future. All the best for this skanky, smelly month. Throw stones at it.xx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 10:59 pmHello Natalie. I think that this is one of the kindest comments I have ever received. It is funny! I don’t really think of my blog as inspirational. It is just a place for me to be honest. I am glad that you have discovered my blog too. I hope that you enjoy reading it in future. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Mummy Tries
November 13, 2015 at 8:18 pmOh honey, I really feel for you. Although ‘it’s just a date’, when lots of things happen around that date it’s hard not to start associating it with negativity. I always end up having a crap time around my mother’s birthday in October, every year it’s the same. This year we lost my hubby’s granddad and my daughter came home from school an absolute wreck (the final straw moving us towards home ed).
You will get through November my lovely, and you will emerge stronger than ever before come the 1st December. Because you are in control now.
Sending you a huge hug xxxx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 11:01 pmThank you for my huge hug and for your lovely comment. I am so sorry to hear that you had such an awful October. It is rubbish when these months are so hideous. At least, we have a whole 11 months before it comes around again. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Sian QuiteFranklySheSaid
November 13, 2015 at 8:12 pmI wish I knew the right words to say. Sending you lots of hugs and love. I admire how open you are about your depression, I hope it helps to write it down – and I am sure it is helping other people to read it x
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 11:02 pmThank you for your kind words. It does help me to write all my emotions down. It is a form of therapy. And I am so pleased that my words may make someone feel less alone and isolated in their own depression. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Vikki Holness
November 13, 2015 at 6:47 pmOh honey, this makes me want to cry. You’ve been through so much heartache and pain, yet still find the strength to dig deep and carry on. You are a remarkable woman. xx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 11:04 pmThank you for your kind words. I don’t feel like a remarkable woman. I just feel like a woman who carries on, mostly with a smile on her face. And who is blessed with a fabulously supportive husband and a beautiful little girl. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Leigh - Headspace Perspective
November 13, 2015 at 5:44 pmWe’re all here to get you through November lovely Mrs H, and back in to the better 11 months of the year xxx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 11:05 pmThank you so much gorgeous Leigh. Your support always means so much to me. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Alice
November 13, 2015 at 3:38 pmI wish I could say the right words to help you get through this month. Your such a strong lady and you’ve just got to keep your head up. Can only imagine how hard this month is for you with all those memories. Awful that they all happened around the same time but then maybe focus on the positives that November can be your down month when you allow yourself to relive these emotions and try to move away from them in December. A really honest post I hope it helps in some way xx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 11:07 pmThank you for your kind comment. It does really help to write these emotions down. In the end, November was a much better month than expected. I allowed myself to feel when I needed to and pulled myself up when I needed to as well. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Kat | Beau Twins
November 13, 2015 at 3:29 pmOh darling. I just want to give you the biggest hug. You are so brave for writing this and I hope it’s given you some comfort. You are amazing, never forget that. You have such a wonderful strength and you should be so proud of yourself. Sending you love, strength and hugs always. Xxxx
Mrs H
December 27, 2015 at 11:08 pmThank you for your kind words, lovely Kat. It means so much to me to have your support. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
Julia @ rainbeaubelle
November 13, 2015 at 2:56 pmOh Lucy, I really feel for you and am sending you a massive hug. I think you should get lots of fun stuff planned for November and focus on making nice memories and anniversaries for this month, give yourself a second birthday mid November maybe, like the queen?! It is a time to be kind to yourself. Much love xxxx
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:15 pmOh dear Julia, thank you for your kind words. I did plan lots of fun activities. And actually November was quite a fun month. But I love the idea of a second birthday in November. I might have to do that next year. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Lizzie Roles
November 13, 2015 at 2:54 pmhello lovely Lucy, thank you for sharing this. The thing is I believe that you deserve to like November the same as any other month in a year, would you mind if I pray for you? To be released from the hold it has at the moment? I don’t believe for a second you put a curse on your baby Huni, you are a lovely girl who has had a tough break. Thinking of you & big hugs Lizzie xo
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:17 pmOh Lizzie, you are so lovely. And I would be more than happy for you to pray for me. This November was much easier than in the past. Maybe, it is losing its hold on me. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Hayley @hayleyfromhome
November 13, 2015 at 2:29 pmOh sweet, I wish it didn’t have to be so hard for you, I hope it passes quickly and you can enjoy December and the run up to Christmas with your lovely family. I have no idea how hard it must be for you but you’ve given me an insight with this post, lots of love always xxx
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:19 pmHayley, you are always so lovely. November went by very quickly and we have had a wonderful December and Christmas. I am very blessed to have such a lovely and supportive family and friends. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Gemma @ Confessions of a Nagging Mother
November 13, 2015 at 1:33 pmAwwww lovely, I am so sorry to read this. You will make it through November. You are a strong lady and you sound amazing. Keep going and keep smiling 🙂
Gemma xx
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:20 pmOh, you are so kind. I did make it through November. And I have to say, that I actually enjoyed it. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jess
November 13, 2015 at 1:19 pmWhat a strong woman you are! Life really can be such a rollercoaster, 2002 wasn’t a great time for me either, my Dad died ( I was 11), and I didn’t have a clue what was going to happen next, I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression since 11 and although I’ve not had the depression in a good few years now, I still have anxiety most of the time, I’ve learned to manage it now but after having my daughter 3 years ago, it almost took my life, it definitely took away a big part of me but luckily I asked for help before it was too late, now I couldn’t be happier, it’s always hard when you’re in that dark place, but like you said, it can’t be ignored, but it really can be managed 🙂 x
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:22 pmOh Jess, bless you. It sounds like you have had a really tough time. It is awful when just one event can change the face of your life from then on. You sound like a very strong woman and you should be so proud of yourself for seeking help after your baby was born. Hugs Lucy xxxx
kerry
November 13, 2015 at 12:58 pmI hope December is a better month for you. I find November depressing with the weather and never have anything excited planned x
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:23 pmKerry, thanks for your comment. December was a much better month. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jodie
November 13, 2015 at 12:53 pmWhat a deep post. I hope you’re ok. Just keep thinking forward to Christmas and getting your mind busy.
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:25 pmThanks for your comment. It is always helpful to focus on Christmas and making it special for Little Miss H. Keeping busy does really help. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jess Soothill
November 13, 2015 at 10:13 amOh lovely – poor you, and I didn’t realise this month was so tough for you. I hope you are okay and getting through it. It must be hard reliving raw memories. BIG hugs and you know where I am if you need a chat xx
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:26 pmOh thank you Jess. I am so lucky to have such supportive friends. With your help November was over in the blink of an eye and was actually quite fun. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Sammy at Seize each day
November 13, 2015 at 9:31 amOh my lovely I can completely and utterly understand why November is a difficult time for you and doubly so since your miscarriage too you poor love. I’m so proud of you though being so open and honest and your positivity looking forwards – it must be so hard, but you are doing it. HUGE hugs to you … it will soon be Christmas YAY!!!
Sammy xxxxxxx
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:29 pmOh Sammy, you always leave the most lovely and most supportive comments. You are so kind. This November was much better than in the past. I think it helps that I was able to throw myself into organising Christmas, to make sure it was extra special for Little Miss H. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Mini Travellers
November 13, 2015 at 9:09 amYou certainly will not let it beat you my lovely. You will remember that you are amazing, a wonderful mother, a brilliant wife and a truly lovely friend. Those things are worth remembering every day, but particularly in November. xxx
Mrs H
December 31, 2015 at 5:30 pmOh Karen, you are so very kind. You are always very encouraging and supportive. I am lucky to have such lovely and fabulous friends. Hugs Mrs H xxxx