I am now 18 weeks pregnant. This is my sixth pregnancy. And it is my fourth pregnancy after miscarriage.
Pregnancy after miscarriage
I have been meaning to write this post for weeks. But I just haven’t been able to.
It is only now, at 18 weeks pregnant that I am beginning to relax a little and enjoy the pregnancy. Although, I know that I will not be happy until we have our baby at home.
I wish that I could say that I breezed through the first trimester. That I was ecstatic when I saw that I was pregnant and that every single day since has been joyful and exciting.
But that just hasn’t been the case.
Anyone who has gone through a pregnancy after miscarriage, will know the anxiety that it brings. After going through recurrent unexplained miscarriages, it is hard to relax for even one moment.
I felt numb when I saw the positive pregnancy test. For Mr H and I, it was just one tiny step towards our goal of becoming a family of four.
Once again we were journeying down a road that was all too familiar. A road that circled and looped but often brought us to the same destination; miscarriage.
How could this journey be any different?
And so the endless worry began and the constant questioning of everything.
- What was that twinge?
- Did I feel more or less sick last time?
- Was I this tired in previous pregnancies?
- Am I spotting?
- Will the aspirin the consultant prescribed do any good?
- How many more times can we go through this?
- How many more times can I put my emotions and body and loved ones through this?
- Why do I feel so depressed and anxious?
- Is being this stressed and anxious bad for the baby?
These questions whirled constantly around my head. Of course, no one could give me an answer to any of them. And my anxiety grew and grew.
Then at 6 weeks we believed that I was having my fifth miscarriage and I found myself heading to A&E.
That day I had been baking with Little Miss. As I was tidying up, I became aware that I was bleeding. Heavily.
Everyone of my miscarriages has presented itself differently. I haven’t had any symptoms in common. But I knew that I had not bled like this before and I was certain that I was miscarrying.
When Mr H and I drove to the scan the next day we were already preparing ourselves for the bad news. I started sobbing as soon as I lay down on the couch for the scan. It felt all too familiar. A hideous cycle of deja vu from which there was no escape.
And then the consultant asked if we wanted to see the baby’s heartbeat.
Both Mr H and I were shocked. We couldn’t believe what we were hearing. And sure enough the scan showed a ball of cells with a little flickering heartbeat.
But this was not enough to put our minds at rest. In two of my six pregnancies, we have gone for an early scan and seen a heartbeat. Only for the baby to die a few days later. It has then taken a few weeks for my body to catch up and realise that something is wrong.
There was a real possibility this would happen again.
And so we held our breath and waited.
My midwife arranged another scan for 23rd December. At the time, we were past what the midwives termed as “our critical point”.
Both Mr H and I were in two minds about the scan. We knew that it could put our minds at ease. We also knew that there was a chance that once again we would hear the words
I am sorry but it doesn’t look good.
We would then have to face the fact that I was going to miscarry or I needed to have the miscarriage medically managed. The idea that this would happen over Christmas was hideous.
In the end, I asked my midwife to make the call. She suggested that we have the scan.
The scan was late in the afternoon. During the day, I tried to keep myself busy. I needed to distract myself. But I felt sick with nerves.
Once again, we were blessed to see a heartbeat. The baby was growing nicely and everything looked just as it should do.
This was another huge relief but we still felt nervous.
The 12 week scan was in early January. As you all know, it went well. And we did feel reassured but I also went into physical shock.
All the pain and grief from the miscarriages hit me. I was exhausted. Shaking. Shivering and hugely depressed. I went to bed at 19.30 and in the morning I felt so much better.
The first trimester of this pregnancy has been tough.
I haven’t coped well. There have been lots of tears and endless talking. I have felt like a broken record, repeating the same worries and fears over and over again. Mr H has been wonderful. And I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband. There is no way I could cope with pregnancy after miscarriage without him.
If, like me, you are pregnant after a miscarriage then I have my fingers crossed for you. I hope that this pregnancy will have a happy ending. And if you ever need to chat to someone in a similar position then please message me on Facebook. I would love to hear from you.