Dear friend
It’s traditional in these circumstances to say I’m sorry for your loss.
But those words seem empty and insulting. They imply that you’ve been careless and misplaced something valuable … a wallet, your keys or your phone.
Those words don’t convey that your world has come crashing down.
They don’t show that your heart is splintering into pieces.
They don’t speak of the shattering sobs that run through your whole body late at night.
They don’t tell of the emptiness that often manifests as a physical pain in your belly and in your heart.
Right now you feel numb. Scared. Confused. Angry.
One day you were pregnant and the next day you weren’t.
All the dreams and hopes that you had for that baby and for your family were broken. Destroyed.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
And my heart breaks for you.
As my heart has broken for the four babies that I have lost.
I know that you feel lonely and isolated. Alone in your grief and pain.
I know that you wish to go to sleep, to wake up and to find that it’s all been a horrible dream.
I know that you blame yourself for the death of your baby. You wonder if there is something that you could have done to prevent the miscarriage. And you feel a failure.
I know that you worry that this miscarriage will affect your relationship. You fear that the grief will drive a wedge between you.
I know that you dread one of your friends announcing their pregnancy. And you hate yourself for this.
I know that you are terrified of trying again. The fear of another miscarriage is too great.
I know that you wonder if you will ever smile again.
I know all of this from personal experience.
But I also know that you are strong.
This tragic experience did not destroy me and it won’t destroy you.
I can’t tell you that everything will be fine. I don’t have a crystal ball and I don’t know what the future holds.
In fact, I can’t claim that I’m okay. Because I’m not. There is a deep sadness. A grief that lingers.
But one day it will be easier to remember.
And I know that your heart will not always be broken.
It will mend.
Gradually.
Day by day.
Piece by piece.
Hugs
Lucy
xxxx
45 Comments
Mary Catherine
April 28, 2019 at 4:52 amI am so sorry for the loss of your babies, but so thankful for the words you have shared. I know you have reached so many mothers going through a miscarriage, and have helped them in their grief. Maybe this was God’s plan for you and your suffering. I have just had my first miscarriage at 15 days post conception and am devastated…your words have been so encouraging! Thank you so much for sharing your grief and helping to comfort those who have lost a precious baby.
Xoxo, God bless
Mrs H
May 2, 2019 at 2:21 pmI’m so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating it is to lose a baby. You must feel heartbroken. I am so glad these words helped you a little. And thank you for your kind words. I do feel that I’m meant to share my story to help other women. And I’m glad if my words do that. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Allison
March 22, 2019 at 2:34 amHi, my husband and I spent about 4 years trying to get pregnant. We were losing hope until we got a positive pregnancy test in early November 2018. Unfortunately our first ultrasound showed that our baby had no heartbeat. We were devastated and heartbroken. I was in the ER on Christmas Eve but didn’t express my pain until almost a month later when my sister told me she was pregnant. I have been struggling lately especially when talking to my sister. Reading your letter helped me in so many ways. You described almost exactly how I am feeling. I shared this with friends in hope that I can break the silence of miscarriages. Thank you so much for sharing this. This letter helps me and others to understand that there are others who have felt this way. My heart breaks for you and others dealing with miscarriage. This is not an easy thing at all. Thank you for your sweet letter.
Mrs H
May 2, 2019 at 2:25 pmOh Allison, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. My heart breaks for you. Miscarriage is cruel, unfair and devastating. I’m glad that my letter may have provided you with some comfort at such a heartbreaking time. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Mandie
September 17, 2020 at 5:15 amThank you ❤️
Ammanda
March 10, 2019 at 5:28 pmThank you. I just lost my twins yesterday at 9 weeks. Tomorrow is my birthday and I am completely lost. I dont know what to think or do. We had just announced to everyone in our families. This post just made me feel so much less alone.
Mrs H
March 10, 2019 at 7:04 pmI am so very sorry. It is heartbreaking. And my heart breaks for you. But you are not alone. And your family love you so they will support you through this. Sending you lots of love and healing hugs, Lucy xxxx
Stephanie
April 23, 2019 at 8:12 pmAmanda,
How terrible that must be for you guys! I genuinely hope your pain eases. I had a miscarriage April 17th, 2019 (I was 10 weeks +2 days) so mine is very recent as well. We hadn’t told anyone yet but had planned to this last weekend (Easter). I bought my two year old a cute shirt on Etsy that says, “Does this shirt make me look like a big brother?” I’m sure you can imagine my heartbreak when I received it in the mail two days after my miscarriage. I have had some up days and some very dark days this last week. Grief is so tricky sometimes. Just when I think I can live a normal life and be okay with my circumstances, grief punches me right in the stomach all over again and I wonder how I’ll ever move on or try again. I am so afraid I will miscarry again, its crippling sometimes.
I’d like to recommend to anyone who’s helped by music like myself, Ed Sheeran’s “Small Bump”. It’s a beautiful song that I came across last week and I’ve listened to it every day multiple times a day since. It’s just the all the feelings you have from a parent’s perspective when pregnant and in the end he talks about the loss of the baby you’ve been so excited for. It has been very helpful and therapeutic for me.
Much love and healing to you all!! <3
Ashley
August 23, 2018 at 9:03 pmI know this is an older post, but I am currently miscarrying for the 2nd time in 6 months. I am just lost in this world right now and looking for people who understand how just devastating this loss is. If you havn’t had one, you can 100% not relate to any of the feelings and emotions, so it is so wonderful to see this put into words. I survived through the first, but am not sure I am going to be able to pull myself back together after this loss. I have pinned this letter and am sure I will be reading it daily until I can smile again. Thank you so much.
Allison
March 22, 2019 at 2:41 amHi, I am so sorry for your pain. I had a missed miscarriage in November of 2018. I just found this letter recently and shared it with my friends and family. I hope it can help other understand the pain women deal with during a miscarriage. I hope you are doing ok. I will pray for you <3
Kendra
March 13, 2018 at 4:24 amI really needed to read this tonight. I do not have a uterus, but our surrogate was pregnant with my husband and my genetic child. It took 4.5 years and you don’t even want to know how many appointment dollars to get to the point of expecting a baby. We were due at the end of October.
She miscarried last week and it is unlikely she will be willing to try again.
I am smothering under grief for our lost baby, and also in the pain that we may never get another chance.
Mrs H
March 13, 2018 at 8:26 pmOh Kendra, I have no words. I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could give you a hug. Instead I’m sending you lots of virtual love and hugs, Lucy xxxx
S.E.W.
March 13, 2018 at 11:54 pmI am so incredibly sorry you are also going through the pain of losing a child. I can definitely relate to the feelings of “we may never get another chance”. I am praying for your total healing. *Hugs*
Rose
January 5, 2018 at 5:39 amLucy thanks for the post… i was 6 weeks pregnant and i have just had a miscarriage.. going through unbearable pain..
Mrs H
January 5, 2018 at 9:00 amOh Rose, I’m so sorry to hear this. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take your pain away. But that isn’t possible. My only advice is to be kind to yourself. Let yourself be and allow yourself to feel everything you need to feel. You need to grieve and that can be a long process. I’m here if ever you need a chat. Please don’t feel isolated in your pain. Lots of love and virtual hugs Lucy xxxx
Stephanie
January 18, 2018 at 9:50 pmI am in the same place. I was six weeks and then miscarried right before Christmas. My heart is broken. I’ve read this letter a few times to remind me that I am not alone. And that it’s okay to feel the way I feel. I am sorry you’ve had to experience this.
Kara
October 30, 2017 at 11:04 pmI feel as though my experience is a little different, you see I knew I was pregnant despite being on birth control, despite getting two negative pregnancy tests, I knew, my breast were extremely tender for a few weeks, I was nauseous, I ate an entire loaf of bread in one sitting, I was exhausted all the time, and my emotions were all over the place, my husband even noticed my skin was looking so good, I knew. But because of that negative tests, it made me doubt myself, my inner awareness. The day I went to buy a pregnancy test I also picked up a little cake, some organic energy drinks for my husband (partly as a joke because of the potential all-nights with a baby.) because while we both want kids we had decided to wait, we just got married and wanted to travel first. So letting my hubby know I was pregnant was something I wanted to do with care. But when the test came back negative, I felt so sad and silly, like it was all in my head, I told my husband what had happened and he let me cry and I had put this the whole thing to bed. Then a couple days later I got a terrible pain in my lower abdomen, which lasted two days, the same feeling I get when I have dairy. Then came what I thought to be a period, (mind you I haven’t had one I a couple months, but this was normal with my birth control) a few days later, I started to had some very unusual and large clumps in my blood. Yesterday I started to put together the dots, my breasts didn’t hurt anymore, unusual tissue in my blood, crazy tummy pain, and server mood swings, I am in the middle of a miscarriage. Once I said all my symptoms out loud to my husband, I knew. Thank god, for my loving husband, because he cried with me and promised, that we will have a family. Right now, I’m still processing, I feel a bit numb. I was about 6 weeks pregnant. And honestly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. . .
The Muddled Mum
October 6, 2017 at 7:03 pmThis is a beautiful post that sums up how confusing and painful miscarriage is
Emma
September 4, 2017 at 10:34 amToo beautiful. I can hardly type through the teats in my eyes. But thankyou Sending huge hugs your way xx
Mrs H
September 5, 2017 at 8:55 pmThank you so much for your comment. I hope that this letter helped in some way. And sending huge hugs back to you. Love Lucy xxxx
Shannon
August 25, 2017 at 3:54 pmThank you for these words. May your family be blessed.
Mrs H
August 26, 2017 at 7:32 pmThank you so much. Sending you lots of love. Hugs xxxx
April
August 22, 2017 at 4:54 pmThis is an absolutely beautiful post. Its been 48 hrs since I myself had a miscarriage and D&C. It’s hard for someone hasn’t had a miscarriage to understand what I am going through physically and emotionally and what other women have and are going through. I am glad to see awareness. Thank you! Reading this lets me know that I am not alone.
Mrs H
August 22, 2017 at 8:39 pmOh April, I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a massive hug. It is hard for anyone who hasn’t experienced what you’re going through. They will not understand the heartbreak. The only advice I can give is for you to be kind to yourself. You will feel a lot of different emotions. They are all normal. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Take care of yourself. And I’m sending you so much love. Lucy xxxx
Bec Bowyer
March 28, 2017 at 5:44 amThis is such a beautiful post.
Bella
March 4, 2017 at 10:46 pmI’m feeling all of this right now for the 6th time… heart is truly broken . Xxx
Mrs H
March 5, 2017 at 12:21 amOh my darling, I can’t bear to think of you going through all this. I wish so much that I could give you a massive hug. I am ALWAYS here for you when ever you need to chat. Sending you so much love Lucy xxxx
Laura McGowan
January 3, 2017 at 6:28 pmI found out my niece miscarried twins just before Christmas. She barely said a thing to anyone. Knowing she was alone in her grief nearly killed me.
Hugs, thanks for the lovely post, will send it to her.
Mrs H
January 3, 2017 at 7:37 pmOh my gosh, your poor niece. She probably didn’t want to say anything because she was worried that she would spoil Christmas. I hope that this letter helps her. If she ever needs to chat then she can email me. Hugs to you and your niece Lucy xxxx
luce
November 26, 2016 at 1:12 pmYour kindness and thought will speak to many people out there, sending hugs x
Steph Oakes
November 22, 2016 at 11:05 amWhat a beautiful, heartfelt post. I’m sure this will help many ladies going through it x
Naomi
November 20, 2016 at 1:17 amSuch a beautiful piece… and something that resonates with me. I have two angels and two rainbow, and it’s still raw – but you do heal. This is well written, and a much needed eye opener for some I’d imagine!
Rachel Kowalski
October 22, 2016 at 7:33 amOh gosh, this had me in tears. So beautifully written hun. My heart breaks too for all us mummys that have had to suffer loss. Hugs xx
Mrs H
November 3, 2016 at 2:10 pmI am so sorry that I made you cry lovely. But I think the feelings I have mentioned here are emotions that so many/ too many of us have felt. I really want this series to give others hope. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Fritha Strickland
October 18, 2016 at 12:39 pmLots of love, I’ve only had one miscarriage but I think it never leaves you does it x
Janine Dolan
October 15, 2016 at 7:26 pmMiscarriages are not easy. And you don’t really know how to deal with them or how to react when someone you know had one. I had one myself but it was at a very very early stage so I was kind of okay but yet it was still disheartened. x
Kate / Pouting In Heels
October 14, 2016 at 9:32 amBeautiful, heartfelt post Lucy that I’m sure will hope so many. Thank you so much for including a link to my post too. Very very kind of you. X
Stephanie Moore
October 13, 2016 at 8:00 pmWhat a lovely letter, it is just so sad that anyone has to go through it.
Chloe Ciliberto
October 13, 2016 at 7:36 pmLucy, this is such a moving and open post. You are going to help so many others that are going through this right now or who have been through this. It’s so hard to know what to say to someone when they’ve lost something so precious. I’m sorry for your loss or saying anything else, really is so empty. I am sending so many hugs. xx
Laura
October 13, 2016 at 6:28 amA beautiful post, miscarriage is so awful and you’ve captured it well here. I’m so sorry for your losses xxx
The London Mum
October 12, 2016 at 9:14 pmSuch an important letter. Miscarriage is so “common” but so rarely talked about. The number of women who must suffer these exact thoughts are plentiful which is heartbreaking. It’s such a personal journey that it’s hard to be the right kind support unless you’ve been through it yourself.
Joanna
October 12, 2016 at 1:10 pmIt must be so hard to go through this. I’ve never experienced a miscarriage but I’m glad that people are making awareness of it as its a lot more common than people realise.
Jo Wiggins
October 12, 2016 at 11:25 amA beautiful and touching letter Lucy. Sending love xxx
Tanita
October 12, 2016 at 9:41 amSuch a heartwarming post Lucy. Miscarrying a few times myself I know the pain of loosing a pregnancy. It is a long grieving process, that I found 4-5 years later still affected me. I feel in a good place now and have put the pain and grief behind me. I know this lovely letter will help woman in similar situations. You have such a kind heart lovely. xx
Tara
October 12, 2016 at 7:31 amBeautiful post. I have no doubt this will bring comfort to those who need it. Sending hugs to you too.