Dear Baby,
Today could have been your 4th birthday.
Today your Daddy and I could have been singing happy birthday to you. We could have watched you open your presents. Seen you smile as you blew out the candles on your cake.
We could have taken you to see the animals at London Zoo. Maybe you would have asked to take one of your new toys with you.
Perhaps you would have asked for an Octonaut party. Or you may have asked for a Princess party like your Sister.
We will never know. And we will never know you. Like three of your Brothers and Sisters you left our lives too soon. You left us before we got to meet you.
I think of you as our first son. I don’t know why.
We never got to know for sure.
When I saw you on the scan you were a ball of cells. A ball of cells without a heartbeat.
The Consultant didn’t even give you the name baby. To him, you were a medical term. Clinical. Cold.
“The retained products of conception.”
But to us, you were more than that. So much more than that.
You were our first baby. You were dreams and hopes and wishes.
When I saw the words pregnant on the test I smiled.
Your test was the first. And sadly it was the only test that brought me joy. The other tests always brought me a sense of anxiety. Numbness.
But finding out I was pregnant with you was one of the happiest moments of my life.
I remember carrying the test into the bedroom to show your Daddy. A huge smile on my face.
I hugged my belly and fell in love.
I fell in love with the idea of you. Our baby. Our first baby.
And you were due on 14th January 2013.
Sadly we lost you in July 2012. I was 11 weeks pregnant. But you had gone from our lives at 6 weeks.
Yet my body didn’t want to give you up. It wanted to hold on to you. Just as I wanted to hold on to you.
I gave birth to you in the local Delivery Suite. In a private room.
It was not the Delivery Suite experience we had wanted.
We left the next day, empty-handed.
We did not get to take you home.
But, dear Baby, today could have been your birthday. And in my mind, today IS your birthday.
I love you, Baby.
Mummy loves you.
And I miss you.
I know we are blessed to have your Sister and your Brother. They are our rainbows. They are our miracles.
But you were our first baby. You will always be our first baby.
Lots of love
Your Mummy
xxxx
29 Comments
Soffy
January 15, 2018 at 10:14 amI’m in tears after reading this. You’ve echoed my feelings exactly, my would be turning 3 this October and even though we’ve been blessed with our Rainbow baby, he will always be my first baby, the one who made me a mother for the first time.
RawMum
May 6, 2017 at 9:31 pmYes. Exactly how I feel. We went to say goodbye to our first baby today. A very sad day.
Mrs H
May 7, 2017 at 4:16 pmOh lovely. I can’t imagine how hard that was. Be kind to yourself and stay strong. Rainbows can appear after even the darkest storm. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Topfivemum
April 11, 2017 at 5:33 amI know your loss and feel your heartache. Happy birthday to your first baby. Read this and shed a few tears. Sending you love xx
Kelly
March 26, 2017 at 10:26 amReading this post made my eyes fill with tears. Sending love and hugs.
Mrs H
March 26, 2017 at 10:12 pmOh, sorry to have brought tears to my eyes. But thank you for your lovely comment. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jerry
March 2, 2017 at 5:44 amMy heart goes out to you…much love and my condolences
Steph Oakes
February 1, 2017 at 9:37 amAh, sending love. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. What a gorgeous letter to your first baby. x
Mrs H
February 1, 2017 at 11:26 pmThank you so much for your comment. I know how lucky I am to have two beautiful children. But I will never forget the four babies that I never got to meet. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jodie
January 25, 2017 at 9:24 amThis is so lovely and has hit my heart pretty hard. In a couple of weeks my middle daughter turns 4.
Laurie S
January 24, 2017 at 7:30 pmThis was so beautiful and so sad. I can’t even begin to imagine the loss you have felt. Sending lots of hugs your way xx
Lisa (mummascribbles)
January 23, 2017 at 9:50 pmThis is beautiful. I can’t imagine the feelings you must have inside. Sending you lots of love. Thanks for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday
Caro | The Twinkle Diaries
January 23, 2017 at 5:12 pmAah I feel the same Luce. I will always, always remember our first two babies. I think the first was definitely a girl — not 100% sure about the second. Crazy to think that I would have had a 7 and a half year old now. And the 2nd would have been due during the Olympics. But hey. All things happen for a reason don’t they?
And I may not have the bright and beautiful pair that I have now, had their siblings arrived first. Lots of love to you chickie xxxx
Becci Davis
January 22, 2017 at 10:32 pmI’m so sorry : ( It’s such a hard subject to comment on when you haven’t walked in that person’s shoes. I am so glad you have your rainbow babies and though this does not make up for anything it is a blessing #Postsfromtheheart
JESS | mummy of boy girl twins
January 22, 2017 at 3:49 pmReally brave of you and very heartfelt. Sending hugs xx
Sinead (shinnersandthebrood.com)
January 20, 2017 at 12:37 pmOh goodness! I’m not quite sure how you managed to write that. Well done to you! I’ve been there. It’s so hard. What a lovely way to honour your baby’s memory. Hugs to you. x #TwinklyTuesday
RachelSwirl
January 19, 2017 at 4:19 pmI have been where you are now and my heart goes out to you x
Tanita
January 18, 2017 at 1:16 pmSending you big Hugs lovely. You are an amazing mummy. Such a Special letter. Xx
Mrs H
January 18, 2017 at 9:26 pmThank you beautiful. That means a lot to me. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Cass Bailey
January 18, 2017 at 12:43 pmWhat a moving post, I’ve never been through this but I can only imagine the heartbreak you’ve been through x x
Janine Dolan
January 17, 2017 at 10:10 amIt must be hard. I miscarried at 5 weeks. It is a terrible thing because that was supposed to be our first baby. But I was over it pretty quickly because 5 weeks was still very very early. Sending hugs your way. xx
Rebecca | AAUBlog
January 17, 2017 at 9:34 amthis is such a lovely post to document. sending hugs x
Sarah Cantwell
January 16, 2017 at 11:17 pmOh I find this so so sad. Thinking of you. 8 have had two miscarriages now and I can’t bear to think of them as babies because I find it so upsetting. It’s so funny how we deal with things differently x
Collette
January 16, 2017 at 8:28 pmI literally have no words. I can’t ever imagine it gets easier. Sending big hugs xxx
Sarah Howe
January 16, 2017 at 5:33 pmSo sorry lovely. It must be bittersweet thinking of this with your gorgeous rainbow babies with you. I can’t imagine how it must feel to not have met him. Sending lots of hugs xx #marvmondays
Kim Carberry
January 14, 2017 at 7:07 pmSending love and hugs xxx
Mrs H
January 15, 2017 at 12:41 amThank you so much Kim. I am very lucky to have two beautiful children. But I still mourn the babies I didn’t get to meet. Hugs Lucy xxxx
Jo (Momma Boss)
January 14, 2017 at 9:47 amI completely understand you on this! I read a quote somewhere something like “a mother will always know exactly how old her baby would be now”. Some people think it gets easier or goes away with rainbow babies but they are never forgotten! My little Stevie would be one at the end of the month. I hate it when people think I’m “alright now” because of Ted! I just think I couldve still had Ted and Stevie! 3 kids under 3!
Mrs H
January 15, 2017 at 12:44 amThanks for your comment lovely. Sending big hugs to you. Yep, I’ve had so many people think that everything is alright now we have Little Mister H. And I am so thankful to have him in our lives. But now the uncertainty is over I just feel grief. Grief for the babies I never got to meet. This was my first baby. And although I became pregnant with Little Miss two months after saying goodbye to him (I always think of him as a boy) I still think of him. Hugs Lucy xxxx