Having the 20 week scan on Thursday helped me relax. It was a great milestone to reach and it was wonderful to see our baby fidgeting away. I am always nervous before scans. I worry about the worst case scenario. And I sit in the waiting room sick from nerves and excitement. Thankfully, the scan went well. Baby is healthy and everything looks as it should do. And yes, we did find out the gender. Just as we did when I was pregnant…
I am now 18 weeks pregnant. This is my sixth pregnancy. And it is my fourth pregnancy after miscarriage. It is only now, at 18 weeks pregnant that I am beginning to relax a little and enjoy the pregnancy. I know that I will not be able to stop worrying until we have our baby at home. I wish that I could say that I breezed through the first trimester. That I was ecstatic when I saw that I was pregnant and…
I have to say it. I hate November. In my opinion, it is the hardest month of the year. And it is the month where I always struggle with my depression. I didn't always feel this way. As a child and a teenager I was indifferent to November. Nothing exciting happened. I spent the days waiting for December and the count down to Christmas. That all changed on Saturday, 23rd November 2002. That was the day that I made serious plans to take my life…
On Friday, I had a hysteroscopy. It was the final test that the NHS will offer us in our investigations into the recurrent miscarriages. It didn't give any answers. My miscarriages remain unexplained. It could be bad luck. It could be a chromosomal issue. We might never know. And that for me is the worst development. I know, it is ridiculous to want something to be wrong. But I wanted there to be something wrong with me so that there was a…
I don't like uncertainty. I like to have a plan. I want to know what I am doing today, tomorrow and in 10 years time. Tomorrow we go for our first appointment at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. I have no idea what to expect. I don't know how long the appointment will last. I don't know what will be discussed and I don't know how those discussions will make me feel.…
Suffering from recurrent miscarriage was one of the hardest times in my life. The heartbreak and fear of the future were overwhelming. And it’s impossible to fully recover from a miscarriage. Even now, over three years on, I can honestly say that I’ll never forget losing our babies. But life does move on and you move on with it. And while we were going through our experience of baby loss, I did learn a few things about how to move…