Suffering from recurrent miscarriage was one of the hardest times in my life. The heartbreak and fear of the future were overwhelming. And it’s impossible to fully recover from a miscarriage. Even now, over three years on, I can honestly say that I’ll never forget losing our babies. But life does move on and you move on with it. And while we were going through our experience of baby loss, I did learn a few things about how to move on after a miscarriage.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage or baby loss, then I’m so very sorry. My heart breaks for you.
Moving forward with your life after experiencing baby loss isn’t easy (understatement of the century). And I guarantee that there will be days when all you’ll want to do is curl up in bed and cry and that is fine. But little by little you will begin to move on. These are some steps that you can take to help you recover emotionally after a miscarriage. I really hope that this post can help you to move on and begin to feel better about yourself.
How To Move On After A Miscarriage
Let Yourself Grieve
I never allowed myself to do this after my miscarriages. And years later I suffered the consequences. Once there were no more babies to try for and no more pregnancies, the grief of baby loss caught up with me.
Miscarriage is so hard to process. As a society, we have no set procedure for grieving a baby that wasn’t even born. And that many may not even view as a baby. But you need to allow yourself the time to grieve. And grieve in whichever way you see fit.
I personally didn’t want to keep anything to remind me of the babies (although this has now changed and I feel I need to mark their passing in some way). But you may want to do something to remember your babies and help the grieving process. Plant a rose, frame the scan photos or get a tattoo. Do whatever feels right for you.
Also, remember that tears are healing. If you want to cry then do. There is nothing to feel ashamed about and you should not try to hide your grief. Allow yourself to feel it. It’s only by mourning the loss of your baby that you can begin to process what has happened. And then and only then will you be able to move on after having a miscarriage.
When you lose a baby, you will go through an overwhelming number of emotions. It’s hard to put into words everything you’re feeling.
But one thing that I know many women feel when they miscarry is self-hatred. You blame yourself for what has happened. And you’re angry that your body has failed you. You can’t forgive yourself and you punish yourself for the loss of your baby.
However, as hard as it is, you need to accept that the miscarriage was not your fault. These things happen for a variety of reasons and no one is to blame. Baby loss is a cruel fact of life. It’s shit and heartbreaking. But it’s not your fault. And you need to realise that and you actually need to physically say out loud that it’s not your fault and that you forgive yourself. This is a huge step in being able to cope with the tragedy of baby loss.
Acknowledge Your Partner’s Feelings
It’s important to remember that baby loss doesn’t just concern the mother of the baby. The father is often hugely affected too. But they are also expected to take care of their partner as they go through the physical and emotional aspects of the miscarriage. It’s important to give your partner time to grieve too. Acknowledge their feelings. And be there for each other.
Put Your Health First
Your physical health will affect your mental and emotional health. Once you start looking after yourself physically, then you will begin to feel better emotionally and mentally. So try to take some light exercise, eat healthily and get lots of sleep. Establish some good habits and make your health a priority.
Do What Makes You Happy
My amazing Great-Uncle David was a very wise man. He used to give wonderful advice. And when I was going through our recurrent miscarriages I tried to keep in mind two things that he told me. These are:
“This too shall pass.”
“You can’t control what happens in your life but you can control your reaction to what happens in your life.”
This last piece of advice seemed particularly pertinent after my miscarriages.
When life is tough, it’s natural to feel anxious and low and be plagued by negative thinking. But, although you sadly can’t control those bad things happen, you can control your emotions. And you can do things that you know make you feel good. Whether that is eating a bar of chocolate or taking a long hot bath. If it makes you happy and makes you smile then do it.
Be Kind To Yourself
You’ve just been through a terrible ordeal – physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s natural that it’s going to take you a very long time to move on. So you need to be kind to yourself. Imagine what you would say and do to help your best friend get through this situation. Then become your best friend. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. You’ve been through a lot and you need time and love to recover.
There is no shame in needing help to recover from a miscarriage. It’s a hugely traumatic event. And sometimes we all need a helping hand to deal with tragic events in our life. If you’re really struggling to move on after your miscarriage then go to your GP and ask to see a bereavement counsellor or be referred to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. Talking through your feelings and thoughts might be the start of being able to process what has happened and move on with your life.
I’ve been through a lot in my life. But suffering from recurrent miscarriage was one of the most tragic experiences. It’s so hard to move on after having a miscarriage. However, I really hope that this post has helped give you few methods for coping with the loss of your baby.